Hello my name is Karyn thank you for bringing your concerns to Just Answer...with regards to your most stressful and difficult situation...and feel for you much in this not an easy road to be on to say the very least for you..
I am also very sorry that you have had to endure such abuse from your father as a young child growing up...Its very important for you to know that you were entitled to have what every child should have in his/her family, a safe
and happy environment, Protection, right kind
of love, nurturing, care, good role models, healthy food, acknowledgment, respect, and this didn't happen sadly... and should
have happened..Your parents, were responsible and accountable for caring for you..and your father was a particularly important role model ...but the wrong sort of role model unfortunately...inappropropriate touching or intimacy with a minor is a criminal offense...and he has created for you a distorted shattered picture or
role model of love, relationships, children, affection, intimacy, a man, and a father.
No wonder you are feeling angry !( and you have every right to feel this) and experiencing unpleasant flash backs, and are stressed out and disturbed...I suspect that you most likely have Ptsd ( Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder symptoms ) which include those you have already mentioned above and possibly more...because sexual abuse causes great trauma and confusion at any time for children and adults,...now a man still combating these intense feelings and great hurt...
I will post a website for you at the end of my reply with regards various symptoms of Ptsd ..
I would truly suggest that you seek out a therapist very soon who specializes in EMDR therapy..thats' Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing' it is a powerful yet harmless clinical treatment that has successfully helped many individuals who have survived trauma, including sexual abuse, domestic violence, combat, crime, and those suffering from a number of other complaints...depression, anxiety
, anger ..
Sadly abuse including sexual can run down through the family line...most likely your father was sexually abused himself as a boy...and so continued this inappropriate disturbing behavior in his own family ... He obviously never sought professional help with this, if he had he would have most likely broken this self defeating cycle.
But!! you can break the cycle once and for all...by way of your seeking help with this..
I would also be inclined to pay a visit to your Gp, as I suspect that you are also not sleeping
very well either and may suffer from depression. He /she will be able to give you something to help ease depression/sleep better if you need it.....
Please know that all you are experiencing by way of symptoms is directly related to your traumatic upbringing...and if the cycle isn't broken their may be a possibility that you could continue it... if!! help is not sought due to your being exposed to such unnatural/unhealthy role modeling ..as I say this though, choice is also a factor involved .
I do hope that my response has been of help to you...and my thoughts will be with you in this...Please see websites posted below for further help and information...Please 'accept' my response if it has helped as it also contributes much by way of keeping this very valuable service going for you and others alike in the future...
Please take very good 'self care' now...and please seek and emdr therapist soon...as you also need much support as well as healing..
Blessings and kind thoughts
Karyn J (ProfClinicalDipCounBmin)