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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5402
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My husband has been with a company for awhile and we travel

Resolved Question:

My husband has been with a company for awhile and we travel as it is construction work. Each job site has a new secretary and he has to go out of his way to become their "friend". He acts like he has to defend them and I have never said a word about these women I have just heard their names and how this one has this trouble and that one has this,,,,etc. My father left my mother for his secretary and as I was growing up I was always told if your husband was overly friendly with his secretary then you need to worry. When I told him this he said that situation was different. These women are just "friends" and he doesnt want to date them or sleep with them and men can be friends with other women without sexual undertones....I said really!?....He said ( of the latest one) I WILL NOT SHUN TERRY BECAUSE OF YOUR FEARS....So he has defend her and another one that sent him an unsigned birthday card which he knew she was sending it to his home....should i worry
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like your husband is giving you a good reason to worry. The main reason is because he is putting his feelings and the secretary's feelings before yours. When he says he will not shun his secretary because of your fears, he is saying that she is more important than you are. In any marriage, for the relationship to grow and thrive, there needs to be a good base for trust, and this situation is taking away your ability to trust your husband. Also, the husband and wife must put each other first. From what you describe, this is not how your husband sees your marriage.

 

Yes, it is ok for men to be friends with women. But when a man is married, any female friendships he has must include his wife. In other words, they must be mutual friends. No married man should have any female friends that are sending cards to him at home nor should his focus be on making friends with every secretary he meets. That is inappropriate and suspicious behavior.

 

You have a right to stand your ground in your marriage and insist that your husband end his obsession with making friends with each of his secretaries. There is no reason he needs to be focused on secretaries when he is on a job site. He should be focused on his work instead.

 

Talk to your husband about seeking therapy together. He needs to understand his role in your marriage and you both need to work on how to handle this issue. To find a therapist, talk with your doctor for a referral. Or, if you attend church, talk with your pastor. Pastors and their staff are often very good in helping people with marital issues. You can also search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

If your husband will not go to therapy, go without him. You need the support and help to figure out how you want to handle this situation.

 

Here are some resources to help you as well:

 

If You Think He's Cheating... He Probably Is! (How to Know if Your Suspicion is Right and What to Do When It Is) by Laura DeAngelo and Lara DeAngelo

 

My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me by Anne Bercht

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have it for you.

 

I hope this helps you,

Kate

 

 

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5402
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

I haven't heard from you. Did you have more questions or want clarification?

 

Kate

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