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David Akiva
David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience:  Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
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Hi, my ex-boyfriend erase me from his facebook list. He was

Resolved Question:

Hi, my ex-boyfriend erase me from his facebook list. He was flirting with other women on facebook making comments on their pictures.he knows that I can read that on my news feed.well I got tired of this and I did the same. I was flirting with a guy and as soon he read it he erase me.I haven't talk to him about it.this happen weeks ago.we haven't speak ever since. I don't understand why because he says that he is only my friend.he knows that I still feel something for him.he knows that I still love him.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  David Akiva replied 3 years ago.

Duddy :

Welcome, I am a professional counselor, behavioral-consultant and relationship expert.

Duddy :

Do you mind if I ask you a few questions to better understand your situation and your question?

Customer:

yes

Customer:

but please be

Customer:

patient

Customer:

am not to good

Customer:

typing

Customer:

am little slow

Customer:

thank you

Duddy :

No problem. Take your time with typing if you're not a faster typist....

Customer:

ok

Customer:

you can ask

Duddy :

You've written some good information in your question section. What I'd like to understand better is what your question is, more precisely?

Duddy :

What would you like to know?

Customer:

why would he erase me? he's only my friend

Customer:

I don't understand why

Customer:

He knows that I still have feelings for him

Customer:

it's been a few months that he is doing this on facebook

Duddy :

It may be that he's being polite and is saying he's friends but his actions say the opposite. It may be that he was hurt or embarrassed by your catching him flirting with other woman when you were dating.

Duddy :

He may be in or perusing other relationships and so trying to avoid talking to other woman to avoid offending his current girlfriend.

Duddy :

What makes you want to connect with him if he treated you like you described?

Customer:

no,no

Customer:

you got it wrong

Duddy :

Sorry please explain.

Customer:

I was't flirting with women. I was flirting wiht another guy

Customer:

am not gay

Customer:

I just did it to get back at him

Duddy :

I do understand that. He flirted and you caught him. You flirted to get back at him and he caught you and erased you're contact..

Duddy :

Maybe he was just really hurt when he caught you.

Customer:

yes

Duddy :

Many people make the mistake of pretend flirting and really hurt the person.

Duddy :

If person is really hurt they can shut down and emotionally disconnect or fall out of love.

Duddy :

It may be that he was so deeply hurt and maybe shocked that you caught him flirting that he was just overwhelmed.

Customer:

Well I felt very hurt.because he was flirting with other women in my face

Customer:

he knows I can read it

Duddy :

So many couples break up because of flirting. The most important relationship need is to feel emotionally safe and protected by our partner. We need to feel like we come first in their life and they need to feel the same about us.

Customer:

I did it in the evening next morning I was erase

Duddy :

Sounds like the flirting, his and yours was just to much for him.

Customer:

I feel so sad because I still love this man

Duddy :

What kind of person is he? What does he do for work?

Customer:

He works in the mortuary dept.in the hospital

Customer:

he do autopsys

Customer:

he also do the investigation

Duddy :

Well sounds like you have 2 options...

Customer:

why the person die

Customer:

what?

Duddy :

You can try to resolve the issue with him or you can detach from him emotionally and move on.

Customer:

ok

Customer:

I think I over did it

Customer:

I said something innapropiate

Customer:

to the guy on facebook

Customer:

can I told you?

Duddy :

So you have his flirting, your flirting and then your inappropriate comment.

Duddy :

Sure.

Customer:

I wrote to the guy's picture.oh.your tall and dark skin.that is just the type of guy the I like.My ex is short and very light skin.

Customer:

but I never mention my ex in any of this

Customer:

I never said any comments about my ex

Customer:

I would never do that

Duddy :

Sound's like you've identified the problem here very well.

Customer:

how

Customer:

please explain

Duddy :

Someone in that situation might do the comparison themselves and feel bad.

Duddy :

It's called "upward comparison" in psychology when someone feels compared or compares themselves to someone they think is better then themselves in some way.

Customer:

ohh

Customer:

I see

Duddy :

So you've got a good sense of the problem but what will you do next?

Customer:

I don't know

Customer:

well he make feel very bad because he was flirting with sexy women

Customer:

and am a little over weight

Duddy :

I've worked with people in counseling who are like you and the way you describe things here. What can work in this kind of situation is complete honesty and transparency....

Customer:

well I been very honest with him

Customer:

I think I was to honest to him

Duddy :

You could write him a letter (or make a voice recording) on paper or online (what ever will get to him to read). You could explain your situation your feelings, the mistakes you've made and your love for him.

Duddy :

If you get it all on paper to him then you know that you haven't left anything out, you never have to second guess in the future.

Duddy :

It's then up to him to accept you and your offer of fixing the relationship or not.

Duddy :

If a person doesn't respond to honesty and real willingness to learn and grow from mistakes then they may not be a good person to be in a long term relationship with anyway.

Customer:

should I confront him

Duddy :

I would just write him a letter and talk about how you love him and how you made a mistake and want to learn form your errors to strengthen your relationship again. If you use criticism he'll just shut down more most likely.

Customer:

ok

Customer:

I think your right

Duddy :

For this or any other relationship to work flirting is a no-no. Both people in the relationship have to know this and act upon it.

Duddy :

In marriage for example, 8 out of 10 partners have extra marital affairs (physical). These start with flirting usually online or at work.

Duddy :

You have to set boundaries to protect the relationship.

Duddy :

If you hurt a person's need to feel safe and loved then they shut down and fall out of love if the injury isn't repaired.

Duddy :

Sound's like you both hurt each other.

Duddy :

You could fix it and be stronger than ever together but he has to do half the work and know how to do it.

Customer:

I think he started flirting to hurt me

Duddy :

If it's a serious relationship with long term potential you could ask him to come to couples counseling for 7-10 sessions in your area.

Duddy :

I hear you, he started it in your account of what happened. I really feel bad for you. It must be very hard.

Customer:

ok,thank you for the time

Duddy :

You are very welcome. I wish you the very best

Duddy :

...

Customer:

bye

Duddy :

Bye.

David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience: Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
David Akiva and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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David Akiva
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Counselor; Behavioral Consultant