I thought about all that you said to me in my email, and wrote some "in my defense" answers, or at least trying to clarify why somethings happened and why I had no control, or felt a lack of control, or felt that trying to control the situation was costly in some way beyond what I wanted to sacrifice for my own good.
I thought about my own parents and relatives, and realized there were many episodes in my life that I was subject to something that was decided or done "to me" over which I had no say or lacked the ability to resolve and I didn't forgive or get over resenting, held a long term grudge or just wrote the person off as hopeless. That is true with my parents, my in laws, my siblings and my daughter Nicky, and my recent ex-husband, your father.
In none of those cases did those individuals recognize what they'd done was hurtful, or did they apologize in any meaningful way, or could they bring themselves to say they were sorry it went down the way it did. They all felt justified, and or simply were clueless. They all were self involved and completely lacked any idea how much what they did hurt or disturbed my peace of mind or sense of fairness. I didn't want to deal with them for the most part as a result. When my father was dying or at least on his way to his last hospital stay he reached out and said "I love you"... he didn't say he was sorry, or say he had done wrong, but tried to get back an "I love you too".. I ignored him, gave him a stony look and never said anything. Fred beat me when we were a young couple, over an incident that I won't elaborate about. He never acknowledged it after the fact, he did say he was sorry once, and did refrain from that sort of violence afterward but he tried hard to sweep it under the rug so to speak, because that is very human. He did other things, I just don't want to go there talking about it.
Well, you may not be able to forgive me, you may always hold a grudge against me, but I am truly sorry you all were hurt in my actions, I do think I was a bit crazed, and it would have been the "right" thing for me to be there to pack my things and I did not want you all involved in that at all in fairness to my intent, but your father refused to get others to do it, and Bruce did feared my coming back could lead to my being harmed, and I was fearful, so I was a chicken and didn't go back. Plus I dreaded being in your father's presence in general, didn't want to leave Bruce behind... he couldn't get on a plane and go with me, and he was still in the middle of divorcing and trying to keep his whereabouts secret. We tried to "pretend" he was not there with me, because we weren't sure his wife even knew. Turns out she did and it was a waste of time worrying about it, but we didn't know.
As to whether I leaked confidences to your father during that time, I really think it was likely that he "pretended" I told him things to you all because he is wily that way, I don't think I ever said much of anything and told him you all weren't talking to me, so he was doing his own "testing" to see how you'd react. I don't know what he did exactly, and I don't remember every single thing I said, but it was not blatant "telling on you" on my part, I kept an extremely low profile.
I do care very much about you, Ming, FJ and G. You are my real blood relatives outside of UJ and Ellen. Bruce and I are the "other" family to each other, we are obviously with each other and that means that's where I spend my time, but I haven't forgotten you all, and think about you every day. What that translates into on a practical level I don't know, but you are part of me, and I am and always will be part of you, whether you have resentments or not. I suppose I even still think about Nicky, but I've written her off as hopelessly annoying, and I even think about your father sometimes, but only in the sense I hope he's OK and finding himself in a better situation.
So, I'm sorry, and deeply saddened that it went badly, I truly do understand how awful it was, it pains me to think of how rough it was on you and Ming. I guess it wipes out to some extent all that I did before that for you and Ming, and I don't expect anything in return in the future, but every card, every email means a lot to me and I try to hear what is going on and keep in touch. That's all that's left to me for the most part.
I do hope we can repair our relationship and be friends and treat each other in an adult way, free of guilt, recriminations and fear. It's really for the best.