Thank you for writing in to Just Answer.
I'm sorry to hear about your experience.
It sounds like you struggle with two things - managing your sudden onset of anger and second regulating your emotions. In other words, when you don't find the answer you're looking for your anger quickly sets in and then you have trouble containing it or letting it go. The other piece of this problem is that you have high expectations from yourself. So the goals you set for yourself are very lofty and often unrealistic. Many people have this tendency. What happens in these situations is that you might then feel a resistance to taking on a large project because you already have ideas in your head of how fast or how well you should finish it and a part of you knows that those goals are just not achievable.
Another very acute observation you made is that you don't feel in control when your spouse or children don't listen to you. The furiousness you feel is often a result of low self-esteem where your sense of confidence or self-esteem are directly connected to whether the other person is paying attention to you.
I do want to share with you that you are not alone in feeling this way or facing these challenges.
I would recommend a few things for you to deal with these issues.
First, I would recommend that you start by setting smaller goals for yourself. So whenever you are required to say complete a large project, break it up into pieces and tell yourself that it is far better that you complete all the small goals you set yourself than set a huge goal and fail to meet it. You can even list out the smaller goals of the project and check them off as you complete them one by one. This will give you a sense of momentum.
Second, a very important aspect of leading a healthy, productive life is our ability to regulate our emotions. So the anger you feel rising may be felt by many people, the challenge is to be able to calm yourself down and regain your composure and not let those upsurge of emotions affect you. I'd like to recommend a highly effective book,, well it's a workbook actually, that uses Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) (thought to be the most effective in addressing emotion regulation issues) to acquaint you with emotion regulation techniques. Here is the link
. I'd recommend that you locate the book in your library or a book store and give it a try.
Third, I see your anger getting in the way of things. Anger is a natural emotion and to an extent it is a helpful emotion. But when it starts to acquire a life of it's own, and springs up at the slightest of things then it is clearly necessary to address it. There are actually clear cut techniques to bring your anger back under control while still retaining the passion/zeal for your work. Here is the link
to a book that talks about controlling your anger that many people have found helpful.
Forth, as you already know, many of your needs (need to feel in control) and self-doubt, frustrations etc. could be a direct outcome of the low self-esteem issues you struggle with. For this I'd recommend a book that uses cognitive behavioral strategies (CBT). CBT is thought to be the most effective therapy model for addressing self-esteem issues. Here is the link
I do want to add
here that the above issues are all interconnected. So addressing one will start to help with the others.
Finally, if it is possible, you might consider consulting with a therapist to work on the anger management, emotion regulation and self-esteem issues.
If you can implement the above, I am certain that you will start to see a considerable positive change in your life.
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