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Kelley
Kelley, Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1018
Experience:  BSW, MSW, LCSW
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Should I tell my adult son and his wife they hurt my feelings

Customer Question

Should I tell my adult son and his wife they hurt my feelings constantly. Ignore my birthday but never seem to forget his dad's (we are divorced) Don't get a card or even a call on Mother's day. I want to let them know how I feel before I get angry. What should I do?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kelley replied 3 years ago.

Hi,

 

Thanks for using JustAnswer!

 

I would suggest that you let them know. Some things such as not getting a call on mothers day is hurtful and it would be okay to approach them. Depending on your relationship with them you can do this face to face or even through an e-mail or letter. Witting it down first no matter what way you approach them will allow you to get together what you really want to say to them or ask of them.

 

I would also suggest you word it in a way that does not put them on the attack. Such as "I noticed that we did not get a chance to talk on mothers day, did you have a really busy day?" This will allow them to start an open conversation with you about what may be going on. Talking to your son may also be the first starting point of this. Maybe there is some underlying anger going on with him. Starting a conversation about this might help as well.

 

Please let me know if I can assist anymore, I am here to help!

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
That is exactly what I was planning on doing, but my friend kept telling me to just let it go. This has been going on for a long time, well before he was married. I used to chalk it up to me being the custodial parent getting all the grief because the child is confident you love them and the non-custodial parent getting all the kindness because the child is not confident in their love. I did have to at one point force my son to go live with his dad for a while (even though it almost killed me) because he was being so disrespectful. screaming and swearing at me, etc. While he as at his fathers he ended up getting arrested for stealing from cars. His father was afraid to discipline him or give him a curfew to be in the house. Anyway, after a long probation and me showing up in court to support him everytime he had to go, we got through it. But whatever has been told to his wife's mother , then his girlfriend. must have been really bad about me. My daughter-in-law's mother constantly corrects me anytime I say anything about my son, even just about the simplest things like what food he likes. She once lectured me for about 30 min. about what a wonderful boy he is, as if she had to convince me. She makes a face at me even I tease him about anything. My son does not get it or believe me if I say anything, so I don't anymore. This really hurts, too, because I wonder what has been said to paint me as such a bad mother. I want to add I have been going to a psycholigist off and on over the years to get help with parenting. Have take multiple parenting classes. Do children just turn a blind eye to all the love and support you give them?
Expert:  Kelley replied 3 years ago.
Being a parent is a tough job, probably one of the toughest in the world. It sounds like there is a lot of hurt and resentment on his end. I would suggest that if you are not currently seeing the psychologist that you start seeing one again. This could be a tough road for you especially if you/when you decide to bring up some childhood issues with your son. It may help to get established with the psychologist again and then ask your son to join you for an appointment. Let him know that you can feel the resentment/hurt he has and you would like to help mend the relationship and that you would like to use the psychologist as a "neutral" party. Let him know that you did the best as you could as a parent and that all parent's make mistakes. Parent's are not the superheros kids often think they are.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

My son hates the fact I go to a psychologist, and hated when I took him to see him, so that would just make things worse. His Dad's influence!

I know how to be diplomatic after all the years of therapy. Should I bring up the mom?

 

Expert:  Kelley replied 3 years ago.
I wouldn't not at this time. I would not even suggest including his wife. I would focus on just you and your son and dealing with any hurt and resentments that are holding him back from having a healthy relationship now. As you deal with things with him you will see the relationship between you and the wife and the mother hopefully getting better.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

You are probably right. I am really ticked off now. He has done it to me again. Earlier today I texted him and asked if I could come by this evening. He said yes, they just had one errand to run. So I said I would watch the baby if they wanted and they could go out to dinner. they asked me to do this last Friday, at the last minute , I dropped my plans and went, because i wanted to. Baby was just born April 19.

So he said he would let me know after he went home for lunch and spoke to his wife. Never heard another thing and it's not unusual for my son to be forgetful. So about 6:15 I texted him again said 'did you forget about me?' Answer back 'No just being really fussy' I waited another hour sent another text in case the ringing disturbed the baby. 'Call me when able.' Still no answer, so I called a couple minutes ago. he didn't answer. I could have been out walking my dog, or something, if he would have just told me as soon as he got home from work that tonight was not going to be good. Now I am pissed off all over again! He is just finally calling.

Expert:  Kelley replied 3 years ago.

I would defiantly suggest working on some boundaries with him. It sounds like emotions are all over the place between the two of you. I would suggest taking the time to write down what you would like the relationship with your son to be like and what you feel might need to be addressed and how you feel would be the best way to approach him. This will give you a starting point.

 

Congrats on the new baby!

Kelley, Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1018
Experience: BSW, MSW, LCSW
Kelley and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

That is a good idea. he said he was busy with baby. I said, oh did Missy go out. He said she just went to pick up food cuz she hadn't eaten all day. I said I just wish you would have told me cuz I have been waiting all evening. He said he had been busy with the baby, again. Iwanted to say couldn't she have texted or called me?! but I didn't. Thank you for all your help!

Audrey

Expert:  Kelley replied 3 years ago.
I wish you the best! If you decide to begin to bring up the issues and begin to work on the relationship with your son, it will probably get worse before it gets better while he and you work through feelings and emotions that may have been stored up for a long time. But if you decide to do this keep working through it and it will get better eventually. Let me know if I can help in the future.

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