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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Is it shock and awe, or just a bad psychiatrist, to tell my

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Is it shock and awe, or just a bad psychiatrist, to tell my grandson the two worse things a guy can do is, take a wife, and have kids ?? Adding females start out all sweet, then become demanding and bitchy, and baby's just cry all the time with "pissy pants" and the only ones who want them is WOMEN !! I was sitting there, so I know what he said... that and more. My grandson loves the guy cuz he swears and sides with him, but we are trying to teach him to respect people, especially women ! This is NOT doing it, and since he lives with us, but I have no authority to change doctors, do I let the chips fall or do I step in and say ENOUGH !!? He is on Vyvanse for depression and ADHD from the guy, it did wonders in school, even though too late for him to pass 9th grade.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

You are absolutely right to be concerned about your grandson's psychiatrist's behavior. It is never good ethical practice to give opinions, swear or touch anyone. This psychiatrist is acting unprofessional and is playing buddy with your grandson, rather than treating him professionally.

 

Any mental health professional is taught that when helping patients, you are to be aware to keep strict professional boundaries and abide by an ethical code of conduct. That does not mean that you are distant and cold, but rather that you keep the relationship within healthy boundaries. You are not to bring up any private information or give a personally held belief or opinion. Saying that the worst thing your grandson can do is take a wife and have kids is definitely out of bounds and not helpful to your grandson. He is giving an opinion, not a helpful professional insight.

 

The psychiatrist also should not be touching you or anyone else. Any touching can be misinterpreted and could offend or further hurt a patient. Grabbing at you was uncalled for and unprofessional.

 

You can take steps to report this individual if you feel you want to go that route. You can contact the American Psychiatric Association for further information about how to report this man. Here is a link:

 

http://www.psych.org/

 

You should also suggest to your grandson that this doctor is maybe not the best one for him to see. Provide him with a list of other psychiatrists that he may want to chose. You can talk with your doctor for possible referrals. You can also search on line at:

 

http://www.find-a-psychiatrist.com/

 

Here is a link to help you find a good psychiatrist:

 

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/02/02/how-do-i-find-a-good-psychiatrist/

 

Although you cannot force your grandson to switch doctors, you can suggest it. Enlist the help of other family members and any other trusted professionals in your son's life, such as his family doctor. He may eventually make the change if he feels it is worth it.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I did talk to the family doctor, he said we should put Drew in the hospital and get to the root of his problems, and on proper medication. My daughter says no to it. He also said, when I told him, Drews teacher told me he is sullen, quiet and keeps to himself in his class at 1:30, and this so called specialist said sullen is just another word for pissed off, Drew are ya pissed off at your teacher ? Drew said no, then "doc" said, maybe he was engrossed in doing his work, teachers don't know EVERYTHING !!

He then said, " I had you pegged the first five minutes in here, you are an enabler and worrier" and yes, I am...... but I added that I'M the one he aims all of his anger at, and every morning, I get barked at, in the evenings I get ignored and when I ask what's wrong, Drew tells me he doesn't want to talk about it, and I think Drew should learn to control his anger rather then let it control him, so he turns to Drew and tells him the next time I ask, pu a sock, preferably a dirty phy ed one, in my mouth GENTLY, and tell gramma to shut up. It was at this point I decided I best just not show any emotion or remark on any darn thing ! He said he could put Drew on anti-depressents, and wouldn't ya know, my poker face fell apart, and "doc" noticed it, and said it would be just fine, and I said I didn't like them, I don't like the side effects.... he told me there are no side effects, its all in their heads, and then I asked why do they warn you on TV that it may cause suicidal tendency's, and he said they do it to scare the shit out of you ! I told him, it worked !!! So he said what ya gonna do if I prescribe them ? I said he had two choices, he can keep Drew until he stablizes or I'll flush them........... he then said I was fiesty, and I said no... I can be a bitch, and you about have me there !! Pills don't solve the problem, it only covers it and what happens when he stops ?? I don't know..... I really am alone on this, my husband ignores things, and he tells me not to ask questions with Drew, just agree, and my daughter adds to his anger and hurt by not wanting him back home, only if she needs him to do something for her, she gets child support, we pay all his bills, and she can't afford his allowance most of the time, so we do that as well. But Drew does nothing here to earn it, and my husband tells me " he will " when the weather clears up.... maybe this is more about me trying to handle things alone then it is about Drew respecting people..... !!!

 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

At this point, you can only make suggestions and allow Drew to decide how he wants to handle it. You can put restrictions on his behavior since you pay his bills and give him an allowance. If you feel his behavior is a choice and he can control at least some of it, start setting boundaries for him so he has to earn his way instead of just having it handed to him. This should help him start to learn to control how he acts out.

 

You can also choose to report the psychiatrist if you feel it would help. This may at least get your grandson a new doctor to work with.

 

As with any mental health or medical situation, the more people you involve the more opinions you will get, so it is best to see how Drew feels about his treatment and allow him to make decisions the best he can.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
This is true, and also why I have not commented to Drew on our meeting with his psychiatrist... he likes him, and I don't want to take that one thing away.... but I sure don't want this man telling him negative things about women. I'm at a cross roads here... all I have control over is MY reaction to this mess. I don't care if this guy doesn't like me, or slaps labels on me, because its just one man's opinion, who knows NOTHING about what I live day to day, or what problems arise on a daily basis around here. What he missed is that I am a strong woman, and although at a breaking point, its happened before and I manage to pick myself up, brush myself off, and continue on as best I can. Kids don't come with instructions, and if they did, they'd probably be made in China as well, and wouldn't work anyway !! As for turning this guy in, I won't do it, because I don't need another battle... and it would be, it would end up as one of those lovely "he said, she said" fights and I just can't see it being profitable for any of us. I just want Drew away from him, and frankly I think a female psychiatrist would be the answer...... ! I just feel bad for others going to him, but I guess if it works for them, its their choice !! I think I reminded him of his ex wife to be honest..... because I certainly didn't say or do anything to justify being greeted with a pinch hold and being put down in front of my grandson..... I expected more professionalism, but I thought he was really doing the shock and awe thing, or more so, his authority thing, since he said twice there was only one person in the room with a degree, and I thought to myself, ya.... probably run off a computer, not earned !! But I kept my mouth shut, and I held my breath, and thank God it only lasted half an hour. Nothing was resolved, other then maybe next time he can get meds for his anger issues he inherited from his "mother"...... well his dad is way worse, but far be it from me to interrupt the guy when he's on a roll. It did, in my opinion, enforce Drew to think the divorce his parents are going through is now all his mothers fault, but hey...she likes this doctor, so this is a battle she can fight ! I have to sign off for now..... but I do want to pursue this a bit more......... in that Drew has every reason to be angry, and he has every right to feel like the 3rd wheel, and what I can do to help him over come it, because I can't change it, as much as I would like to. And how to handle the verbal abuse and door slamming I'll get when I tell Drew he has to "man up" around here and earn privledges, not just get them handed to him like he is the only victim in this mess that is about a year old now..... and might I add.......I'm too old for this stuff !!! Later, and I will try to make this as fast as I can............. thank you !!
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

You are welcome! It is good Drew has you looking out for him. And it may be, with your example, he will come around once he matures a little.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I'm not so sure I'm the best example, but at least I'm an honest one..... although it tends to blow up in my face time to time. I do talk too much, as you noticed, and I think letting feelings out is the only way you can come face to face with a problem, and if someone can actually give advice that helps, I would think its better then putting down people or agreeing just to agree or save a head on discussion. My problem is, Drew shuts down, gets very defensive, hears only what he wants to hear, and more times then not, its wrong. I did talk my daughter into setting up an appointment, at the same place, with a female psychiatrist, and had her call his psychologist to make another appointment with him. Drew told us he didn't need to go back as much because he was doing so well, and here he ( psychologist ) called Michelle today saying its time to set up a meeting, and it was never said!!! It upsets me that I'm so gullible that I buy into his fibs and excuses, and I want to trust him, but he proves he can't be. A lot of lip service but nothing to back it up on finding a summer job to seeing his psychologist ..... it just angers me that I'm getting played like this, and then I can't even set the appointments up when he needs them. He plays nice when he wants something, and I went as far as to get drug test kits to have on hand, since he's done that one before, as well as come home drunk and vomit all over my carpet and pass out at the ripe age of 14 at 4:30 in the afternoon....... I tell him he has to earn the trust back, and about the time I think he has, here comes this stuff ! So, when he finds out I'M the reason the male psychiatrist it out of the picture, I think I will be getting treated like crap for awhile, as well as blamed for things he does. The only option we had left was reform school and in North Dakota.........good luck with that ! They mostly come out worse then when they went in... and I want to prevent this and teach him he will be treated the same way as he treats others, paid for work done as well as he can, and if not, then he won't have a job, and some how or another he has to learn that women are worth their weight in gold, because without us, he wouldn't be here, or get fed, or all of the other things we do that they take for granted. SO.... I want to hang on to your answers, and figure out a way to copy it off so I can go back and get my support ..... I know I will need it. Thank you and after this, I will hit the accept button, I PROMISE. I just needed to be told ..... no, be reassured.... that I'm doing this right, and I need to stand up for Drew by standing against him from time to time. Tough love. Thanks...........
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Absolutely, you are doing the right thing standing up for Drew and although he may not realize it now, he will in the future. It's a balance between allowing him to learn consequences and guiding him to the right options. Every child needs someone advocating for them and having you in his corner will assure that he is not alone in finding his way.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5509
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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