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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5469
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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my wife an I have our first session scheduled with a mirrage

Resolved Question:

my wife an I have our first session scheduled with a mirrage counselor in two days. I have information I have not shared with anyone about her lying about a non intamate relationship with another married man where she said that there had been no contact since I brought it to her attention 3 weeks ago. I tourmented with what to do with this information? do I bring it up since I have a trust issue or do I bury it, never to be spoken about again?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

For a marriage to be successful, honesty and trust have to be the foundation. And anytime someone has a relationship outside of the marriage, whether it is intimate or not, then that relationship undermines the trust of the marriage.

 

If your marriage is to be repaired, it is important that you and your wife talk this situation out. She needs to realize that the relationship she had was wrong and be willing to work on rebuilding your trust. She needs to be open with you and be willing to let you know where she is and who she is with. As your wife works on trust with you, you need to allow her to make up for what she did and work on eventually trusting her again. The marriage counselor should be able to help guide you both on how to rebuild your marriage.

 

You can also work on this problem at home. Here are some resources to help you get started:

 

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli

 

Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild & Affair-proof Your Marriage by Steven D., Ph.D. Solomon and Lorie J., Ph.D. Teagno

 

Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity by Gary Shriver and Mona Shriver

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
What do do with the information I have about continued lying? Do I bring this up in the session or keep it under wraps, that is the torment I'm having now.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

If your wife continues to lie about the situation, you need to bring that up in the session. Otherwise, you cannot resolve the problem successfully. As long as the lying continues, then you cannot build trust in your relationship.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
should I state it after she declairs she has not had contact with the individual with in the past 3 weeks in the presance of the therapist, or confront her before.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

It depends. I would see first how the session starts, what the therapist brings up or asks about. The therapist may want to spend some of the time getting to know you both first and getting a better idea of what the initial problems are. If the therapist gives you a chance to talk about this issue, wait to see if your wife brings it up first, then you can talk about it if she does not.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5469
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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