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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5430
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I have been married for 30years. After 26 years of marriage

Resolved Question:

I have been married for 30years. After 26 years of marriage I found out my spouse has had more than 15+ affairs. The last 2 that I know of occurred when he was deployed, however he is a licensed minister. He went to therapy for approximately one year and was sat down from his position as a lay minister for 6 months. I am a nurse by trade and did not get the chance to complete a regime of therapy due to my travel schedule. I suspect that he had and emotional affair on last year. There were 50+ phone calls made between him and a co-worker. Although we were supposed to renew our vows at 30yrs,(he made this declaration at the 27th year). It never occurred. I informed him on yesterday that he is the one that had broken covenant. If he truly meant what he said about being faithful%
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It seems that part of your question was cut off. Would you tell me a bit more about how I can help you and what your question is?

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thanks

 

Not so sure now if I should still be here. Although I see some improvements, I am a RN by trade and may have to relocate to a job temporarily. The last time I travelled, I am certain that he had an emotional affair. I confronted him and informed our Senior Pastor. He told the Pastor that they were just friends and he did not cross the line. Somehow I do not trust him still. Are these feelings normal?

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Yes, very normal. Your husband has undermined your trust and it seems he is lying about it on top of it. In this case, he is betraying your trust twice over.

 

If he had affairs and stopped his behavior then made amends, you would have a chance to recover from the betrayal and rebuild your trust. But as it is, he continues to cheat and lie about it so you keep getting hurt and he doesn't take responsibility.

 

If your husband is willing to not only lie to you but also to others, then he is not seeing his behavior for what it is. He is in denial and is not coping with the consequences of his behavior.

 

I highly recommend you see a therapist to help you deal with not only how you feel about what your husband is doing, but what action you need to take regarding your marriage. It is easy to feel you just want to leave it all behind or stay and ignore his behavior, but by taking your time to sort out your feelings and make a clear choice, you leave very little to regret and you will feel more settled with your decision.

 

To find a therapist, talk with your doctor. Or you can also talk with your pastor. Another option is to search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

 

Here are some other resources to help you:

 

Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage by Lee Raffel

 

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum

Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria Harris

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

I have not heard from you. Did you have more questions or want clarification?

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5430
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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