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Arundhati
Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 256
Experience:  Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
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sexual problems

Customer Question

My husband and I have been trying to get a baby for some time now. We have just started fertility treatment. Our sex life has been seriously badly effected by this trying and trying. He has difficulty with getting to the climax and I get nervous and anxious and that again effects him. We are in a vicious circle. It has been going on for some time now and our sexual self-esteem (if you can talk about such) is low. We live in London. Can we get help? Could you suggest any literature? (I am not native English so sorry if it is not clear).
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Arundhati replied 3 years ago.
Hello,

Thank you for writing in to Just Answer.

I'm sorry to hear about the situation you are in. It sounds like the pressure to conceive is making it very stressful for both of you. And the stress in turn is affecting your sexual appetite and decreasing your sexual self-esteem as you rightly put it.

This is exactly why I would encourage you to take a step back and let yourself and your husband relax. Think of it this way - the whole process of having a baby is meant to be enjoyed. It is an opportunity to experience and cherish intimacy with your partner. And as you enjoy the intimacy, pregnancy will just happen. I understand your concerns since you have been trying for some time and are currently undergoing fertility treatment. But I'd encourage you to try to relax and enjoy the intimacy as much as possible without focusing entirely of the end result (of becoming pregnant).

You and your husband can purchase books on sex, DVDs, CDs, aromatic candles, sex toys, bathsalts, erotic lingerie for yourself etc. that will help to spruce up your sex life and make it enjoyable and something to look forward to. The key is to let go of the anxiety you and your partner currently face when it comes to having sex.

Here are some resources you can consider:

http://www.amazon.com/365-Sex-Positions-Steamy-Erotic/dp/1569757194/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1304938039&sr=8-3

http://www.amazon.com/Overcome-Sexual-Performance-Anxiety-Relaxing/dp/B004UUAIWQ/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1304938457&sr=8-3

You can also consider consulting with a sex therapist for more guidance and to help in reducing the associated performance anxieties around sex.

As the two of you start to change your focus from your being pregnant to the two of you simply enjoying the intimacy your sexual self-esteem will rise and it will be easier to become pregnant.

I hope this was helpful.

Please do let me know if you have questions/thoughts. Please consider clicking on Accept if this was helpful as experts are not paid for their time or service otherwise.

Kind Regards,

Arundhati
Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 256
Experience: Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
Arundhati and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thanks for your answer.

To be completely honest, I am a bit tired of hearing that it will happen if we just stop thinking about it. I am actually not thinking that much about it. I have just got a new job and I do therefore not mind if I have to wait sometime before I get pregnant (but I cannot just step out of the fertility treatment because it will take me time to get in). So if it is right that I will get pregnant if I do not worry about it, then it would have happend now.

I might not have made that clear enough. But my worries is not about being pregnant but that our sex has been bad for so long time that I have started thinking that it might be better if we did not get a baby because we then would have to stay together.

But thanks anyway. I got a feeling that you are very sincere.

I wanted to ask you how to find a qualified sexual therapist. But I looked at your web page and saw that you are located in NY so you probably do not know much about England. If you do, I would be happy to know, if not I wish you all the best.

Thanks and best wishes

Expert:  Arundhati replied 3 years ago.
Hi there,

Thank you for Accepting and for the additional information.

It sounds to me like your recent intimacy experiences have led you to question whether you are in the right relationship. I think your concerns are very valid. And if you're having such thoughts it might be a good idea to give yourself some time to sort out these issues before trying to have a baby. On the other hand, some times the underlying pressure to conceive does make both partners nervous and anxious and that can impact your sex life. So I'd encourage you to introspect whether sprucing up your sex life will put your relationship worries to rest, or whether the issue runs deeper than that.

I searched for sex therapists in London and came up with these two links:

1) http://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/

2) http://www.goodtherapy.org/London-Therapy.htm

I hope this is helpful.

Kind Regards,

Arundhati

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