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Ask Dr. K Your Own Question

Dr. K
Dr. K, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 357
Experience:  15 years clinical experience in all areas of psychiatry. Holistic and practical approach.
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Is there a difference between cheating in your marriage when

Customer Question

Is there a difference between cheating in your marriage when you do not have kids and cheating when you do have kids? All of the information I see seems to have kids involved.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. K replied 3 years ago.

Dr. K :

I think cheating is cheating. It has a huge, negative impact on any relationship. Of course, things always get more complicated when there are children involved (especially if they are school age and or still living at home).

Dr. K :

Is there some specific type of information you are looking for?

Customer:

Yes, basically my relationship with my wife is good with the exception of sex. She is a low libido person and I am a high libido person. I have cheated on her, and feel I would be happier with someone who is closer to my level sexually. We are just married and have no kids, so I am wondering if I leave her for this other person the chances of a successful relationship are just as bad as if there were kids involved.

Dr. K :

Does she realize your sexual needs are higher than her?

Customer:

Yes, I have been very open about it.

Dr. K :

I wonder if there's anything she could do to boost her sexual desire...btw, can you tell me how old she is? Many women don't hit their sexual peak till the 30s.

Customer:

she is 24

Customer:

25 sorry

Dr. K :

Also, how many times a week does she like sex? And how many times a week would you like it?

Customer:

She is 1-2 times max, but some weeks not at all. I feel like I need it every day.

Dr. K :

How is her overall health? Does she have any depression/anxiety? How is her energy level? Does she sleep well?

Customer:

She is in top health, sleeps well.

Dr. K :

Is any part of her not wanting sex related to needing more romance? How is your relationship otherwise?

Customer:

She has never been a sexual person is what concerns me. She has never masturbated in her life. It is almost like she has no sex drive. When she is in the mood for sex it is not because she is horny, but because she wants to feel close to me, or does it out of obligation.

Customer:

We have a very affectionate relationship. I have always done romantic things for her, but she responds with more affection, but not more sex

Dr. K :

Everybody has their own level of sexuality. Many women are like your wife & have never explored that side of themselves fully...and again, remember that she may be more interested in doing so as she ages.

Dr. K :

Have you tried buying her some books on female sexuality? Or there are also books written for couples. Did you guys talk about these sexual issues in your counseling? I'm assuming that masturbating isn't filling in the gaps of your sexual desire enough which is why you are considering cheating with another woman.

Customer:

Well, that is great, but I am a high libido person, and going 5 days until this problem is solved sounds like a long time to me, let alone 5 years.. We have bought some books and they did not help and counseling doesn't seem to help either.

Dr. K :

Has she had any sexual abuse (including date rape) in the past? Has she had her hormone levels checked (also wouldn't hurt to have her thyroid blood work checked).

Customer:

Here is my real question. I feel I have met someone who is more compatible to me. All the information out there seems to say these relationships don't work out, but since I am young and have no kids I feel like there is a better chance.

Dr. K :

By these relationships, you mean the one with your wife or with the other woman? Or do you mean can the relationship with your wife work despite cheating?

Customer:

The relationship with the other woman

Dr. K :

So this other woman knows you are married?

Dr. K :

And you considering divorce to be with the other woman "full time"?

Customer:

yes. i met her when i was engaged to my wife and we have had this relationship for almost 1.5 years now. I have been married for 9 months now. I would have called off the wedding but there was so much that was already invested in it so i went through with it.

Dr. K :

Regardless of what "information" is out there, the botXXXXX XXXXXne is no one can predict the future so this relationship could or could not work. For all intensive purposes we could say the odds are 50/50. Here are some things to consider, though:

Dr. K :

First, I think it would be ideal to discuss this with a live therapist (not sure if you have already). A live therapist could get to know the other woman through your descriptions of the relationship to give better feedback.

Customer:

50/50 is the same as any relationship (marriage). Information I have seen on marrying a "mistress" is 1 out of 100.

Dr. K :

If you guys are truly compatible and or in love, the relationship could work out.

Dr. K :

The problem is that this woman has been willing to have a relationship with you while knowing you are married. Past behavior usually predicts future behavior.

Dr. K :

So in theory, she is more likely to cheat in the future...especially if things take a turn for the worse between you.

Dr. K :

Women like this often date married men because of a fear of true intimacy. They are safe because you are married.

Dr. K :

It's quite possible that if you left your wife for her you would start to see different aspects of her personality.

Customer:

Also, you could say the same about me as a cheating husband.

Dr. K :

The botXXXXX XXXXXne is no one (neither myself nor a live professional) can predict the future. I would say the information you have already read has some validity. I don't know if I agree with the 1/100 (but keep in mind that statistics for this type of situation are never exact). However, because of the concerns above, I would worry about the chances of this type of relationship working out.

Dr. K :

Yes, I'm sorry to say that I would have to say that since you have cheated, you may be at higher risk for repeating that in the future (this is a scientific statement...not a judgmental one).

Customer:

Understood.

Dr. K :

My botXXXXX XXXXXne would be the odds are probably not with you...but there are always exceptions. I would get advice from any trusted loved ones who know her....and if you haven't already, I would see a counselor to get more live feedback before making a huge live decision.

Customer:

Am I allowed to continue to ask follow up questions, I am not sure how this works

Customer:

?

Dr. K :

The good news is that this type of issue doesn't really require long term counseling...it's something you could figure out probably by going weekly to see a live therapist for anywhere from 2-6 months.

Customer:

I have been in counseling for months, and I just want to back up some of what my therapist has said.

Dr. K :

We can keep going for a little while...once you are satisfied you can hit the ACCEPT button. I have some more time here before I have to go.

Customer:

My therapist says based upon my conversations regarding both women it is likely that I could make either relationship work, and that is my biggest dilemma because i have to choose between to good choices

Dr. K :

Just to play devil's advocate, is it possible you described the other woman's good traits and minimized or ignored her bad traits when talking to your counselor?

Dr. K :

And have any trusted friends or family given you their 2 cents?

Customer:

My dad has been concerned about my relationship with my wife for years

Dr. K :

I guess a more obvious question is does the other woman want you to leave your wife to be with her? But does your dad think the other woman is a good person...and that you guys could make it work....and do you trust his opinion?

Customer:

Yes, she does, but she truly wants me to do what is best for me even if that involves staying with my wife. My dad seems to think the other woman is a good person, with the exception of the fact that she went after me when I was taken.

Dr. K :

Any other friends/family feedback?

Dr. K :

Regardless of even that, it's getting clearer to me that your relationship with your wife will not be good...I mean will you really be happy just biding time while hoping things improve should she hit her sexual prime in 5-10 years?

Customer:

Everyone loves my wife, but a lot of my friends sympathize with me once i tell them the details

Customer:

She is truly a wonderful person who I admire.

Customer:

Also worth mentioning, my mother passed away when I was 14 and my wife was the one who was there for me when it happened, and she (along with her mother) have been like a mother replacement to me

Customer:

So even though the sexual part of my relationship with her has never been great, we have a deep emotional connection

Dr. K :

I feel like it would be unethical for me to give you a concrete piece of advice like "Stick with your wife" or "Leave her for the other woman" just based on this one chat. You do have a very difficult decision. Keep in mind you did get married relatively young (I think even getting married in early 20s, although it may be "normal" or very common, can still be too young for many).

Customer:

but it is almost like brother sister since we grew up together.

Customer:

I feel like I have been in a very serious relationship since i was 14, and if this weren't the case i would definitely not be ready for marriage right now

Dr. K :

I hear what you're saying. Take care & good luck with this very difficult decision ahead of you. Any final questions I can help with? If not, please hit the ACCEPT button to end the chat.

Customer:

I feel like I am stealing your time. Once I hit accept does the chat end? can I pay to continue?

Dr. K :

ACCEPT does end the chat...and I have another obligation to attend to. I don't want to short change you. I will back on line possibly later tonight and definitely tomorrow afternoon if you want to do another paid session.

Customer:

ok thanks.

Customer:

have a good night

Dr. K, Psychiatrist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 357
Experience: 15 years clinical experience in all areas of psychiatry. Holistic and practical approach.
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