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Arundhati
Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 256
Experience:  Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
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My partner of almost 6 years, who is impotent at times, is

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My partner of almost 6 years, who is impotent at times, is torturing me by befriending unknown women on facebook even after I have told him it hurts me. He seems to be obsessed to such a point that I have threatened to leave him a few times and every time I pack my suitcase he sends an sms to apologize, begs me to stay as he loves me deeply and swears never to go on Facebook again . However, the very next day he back on it... he has asked me to close it donw the last time and then he went back. It is an obsession that is killing our relationship as I now feel deeply hurt. He accused me of checking up on him on Facebook and says I treat him like a kid. The first time he apologized for huting him and swore never to go back to Facebook again, however, a few days later I saw him looking at me from the back of his eye to see if I was watching and there he was adding strange women again. I didn't say anything immediately but a few days later I had an outburst, after which he cried and apologized and asked me to close the account, but like I said, about a month later he was back on. We have had fights in the last few days and yesterday he actually told me in a very aggressive and foul manner to get out of his life and he accused me of being at fault for all that he was going through and said some awful things. Later he once again apologized for having hurt me and begged me to stay. I have never since unpacked my suitcase and although he is deeply disturbed by that, he still carries on with facebook and seems deeply obsessed. I have come to realize that this is not a normal behavior. Do you think he needs psychological treatment and how should I handle this?It is killing our relationship
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Arundhati replied 3 years ago.
Hello,

Thank you for writing in to Just Answer.

You are clearly in a very difficult place.

From what you describe it sounds like your partner is very deeply addicted and habituated to adding random/unknown women to his account. This has developed for him, into a habit that probably started off as being fun and exciting and has now turned into a full-blown habit that he is unable to get out of.

The fact that you have tried over and over to point out this behavior to him and pushed him to get out of it and he still hasn't been able to is concerning. That he tries to stay away from it but goes back to it within a month shows that he has very poor impulse control. It also sounds like he has harbored certain fantasies of women - his assuming that you are giving him a massage out of fear that he will find another woman to give him a massage clearly shows that he thinks that the love you show is out of a fear of losing him and that it is ok to go out and seek sexual favors/services from women. These are rather disturbing thought patterns and my understanding is that you and he are on very very different frequencies here.

I'd like to offer you my honest opinion here. I would recommend that you step up what you've been doing but only with a time line this time where if he is unable to completely break out of his habit of adding random women you will have no choice but to end this relationship. And then stick to that time line instead of letting him convince you back into the relationship when he messes up.

You've given him many many chances. I'm afraid if he cannot honor and respect you and break out of this habit, he does not deserve a relationship with you.

In terms of treatment, since this seems to be a deeply entrenched addiction, therapy with an addiction specialist would be helpful. But he needs to be willing to do his best too.

I hope this was helpful.

Please do let me know if you have thoughts/questions.

Kind Regards,

Arundhati
Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 256
Experience: Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
Arundhati and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Last night he asked me once again if I would stay after he had literally thrown me out of his life, I said with one condition: that he goes for counselling. He immediately added that he didn´t believe in that type of thing as his ex-wife had already taken him to a psychologist and that it didn´t work and she had agreed with him that it was a waste of money. I insisted and said that it would be the only way he would make me stay. I cried all night and at some point I even became hysterical, to which he seemed annoyed. This morning I ignored him and in the car he asked me again if I was staying, to which I replied again that I would stay on condition that he went for counselling, but that if at any time he refused or did not finish the treatment, I would leave. I heard him almost sob, but he agreed. I have made an appointment for next Saturday.
I forgot to tell you the last time I closed his Facebook account on his request, he started to ignore me and he kept causing arguments with me for minor reasons and picking on me all the time. He said that all he wanted to do was "talk to people" and I don´t want him to socialize. I have come to realize that if I force him to get off Facebook, he reacts with resentment and if on the other hand I give him the slightest chance, he takes advantage.
Yes, he does have a history of doing that, he started that on the first year of our relationship and then I found out and almost left him, so he asked me to put a password XXXXX the computer which I did. Things went well for years until about 2 and a half months ago when he asked me to open a Facebook account and because I had one, I thought it fair for him to have one too. That is when it all started. He has made life a misery for me since then.
He accuses me of being over possessive and says that I am the cause of my own grief. However, he himself his very possessive - before he had his Facebook he used to go through everything in it, but as soon as he started his "little game" on his own Facebook he suddenly was no longer worried about checking my Facebook. Also, he is very jealous of a colleague who brings me home every day even though I have on countless times proven to him in many ways that there is nothing between us. I even let him go through my phone and I never hide anything from him. After all, why would I bother to keep believing in his promises if I had somebody else? Do you think this can also be the result of what he is doing to me now?

How can he possibly love me as he says if he keeps hurting me and refuses to respect me?

Expert:  Arundhati replied 3 years ago.
Hello there,

Thank you so much for Accepting the previous answer and for your very kind feedback.

From what you describe it sounds like your partner can be very manipulative when it comes to something he wants and needs. I think you handled his pleading with you to stay very well by asserting that he go for counseling. He was clearly being passive aggressive and trying to derail you or discourage you from suggesting counseling.

He sounds like someone who can be quite inconsiderate when it comes to his own needs. The fact that he makes you so miserable and unhappy, and that he does so repeatedly doesn't seem to affect him enough to make this stop. And so I think your question - "How can he possibly love me as he says if he keeps hurting me and refuses to respect me?" is a very valid one. That is exactly why you need to stay firm and even put out a time line within which he must drop this habit. If he fails to do that then I think it will be in your best interests to end this relationship as otherwise this cycle could continue indefinitely.

I hope that was helpful.

Please do let me know your thoughts or any additional questions you might have.

Kind Regards,

Arundhati
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Yesterday evening we had another big argument after I had told him I had made an appointment with the psychologist. He once again repeated the same thing about not believing psychologists and was in fact very arrogant and aggressive and wasn´t in the least interested in what I was saying and kept talking uninterruptedly in a loud manner (as he always does) so that I didn´t have a chance to talk. I showed him your answer (as I had already told him that all the other women I had spoken to had the very same opinion as you) and he was very upset, threw the paper on the floor and replied: “You believe what you want to believe”.

I tried to reason with him but he didn´t want to hear. My aim was to convince him in a nice way and point out to him that he was wrong, but still he insisted that he was not doing anything wrong and that he only wanted to talk to people, refused to admit that he was obsessed with Facebook and told me that I am far too possessive and that I brought all of this on myself. I said that if he at least admitted that he had a problem and was honest and sincere with me, it would go a long way towards saving the relationship, but still he insisted that there was nothing wrong with him. He replied aggressively that if I wanted him to go to the psychologist he would and what more did I want, anyway he said again it was a waste of time. He also said that he had already asked me to close down his Facebook account and what more did I want? So I replied: “Well, what an attitude like that…that´s fine, then, let´s forget about the whole thing and I will be leaving. Only then did he come after me to ask if I was really leaving. I then tried again but no, still the same. So I said no more and once again he asked if I was leaving him and when and I said it was up to him. He replied aggressively that he had already said that he would go to the psychologist if that was what I wanted.

Last night I didn´t sleep much and I woke up deeply depressed. This morning I was in the study but because I was feeling so unhappy I put my head down on my arms over the desk and stayed like that for a few minutes. He saw me like that and immediately became worried and came to ask me what was wrong. I replied that he really had messed up my life to such an extent that I had no pleasure in living anymore and that I was ready to give up living as I was losing strength. That seemed to soften his heart immediately and make him wake up because he then asked if we could try to save the relationship. I agreed. His manner changed completely in a positive way. What do you think of that? Anyway, it goes to show that he only reacted because he was worried that I might commit suicide and how my relatives that are all overseas (including my daughter) would react towards him. He knows I have told my daughter just a few days ago about all that is happening and that she immediately advised me to go back home.

I am totally shocked that I have only found out now what he is like. I can´t get over this and from now on I will change in that I am going to become more assertive towards him and I will not allow him to control me in any way. Thank God I never got married to him! I now feel so hurt and incredulous that he is such a cold person, I just can´t accept it!

Today I have done what he asked me to. I have closed down his Facebook account but before I did it I changed his email address (as I opened another email account for him) on the settings and his password. He will not hurt me with that again if I can help it. I just hope he doesn´t turn aggressive…

Meantime I think I must start sorting out my life because this person that seemed to loving and caring has now turned out so cold and manipulative that I feel it was a waste of 6 years of my life. You were absolutely right… I had better leave as soon as I can before this person hurts me even more… I really must thank you for your honest opinion and support. It means so much to me. I will keep giving you feedback. Once again, thank you!

Expert:  Arundhati replied 3 years ago.
Hi there,

I think you are sadly but fortunately becoming aware of how cold hearted and inconsiderate he can be. He seems to be motivated only by the thought of you leaving/ending the relationship. Clearly you cannot use this leverage all the time into the future. At some point he has to stop his hurtful actions, take responsibility for them and change his ways. Without that this will continue to be a draining relationship. From what you describe it sounds like he does not have any real intention to change at this point. He is agreeing to change because you are being assertive but he is also being very passive aggressive. That cannot go on forever.

I'm very happy that you're standing tall, staying assertive and becoming aware of his pattern. You are most definitely on the right track. Staying on in spite of his hurtful actions, inconsiderateness and manipulativeness would clearly be a bad choice for you.

You are most welcome. I am very happy that I would be of help to you. Stay strong and don't worry - with your strengths I have no doubt that you will be able to steer your life in the right direction.

Kind Regards,

Arundhati

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