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TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5797
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi there, after 12 years together with my husband we separated

Resolved Question:

Hi there, after 12 years together with my husband we separated last year bitterly..the problem is i have grave concerns for my eldest child and looking for advice..my son is currently 9 years old..he has had to deal with a lot of problems over the last year, to name a few with my sister committing suicide (which he is not allowed to discuss in front of his dad), my marriage splitting up (he constantly plays mind games with him through his mobile and phone calls, he's even tried playing games between my family, friends and boyfriend)...due to the stress of my dad having cancer, my mother taking ill, my marriage separating then my sister committing suicide.. i eventually took a breakdown and went into hospital to get help and my husband took the children..after leaving hospital i returned home to find that my husband had raided my house and took more or less everything out of it and made in uninhabitable,it took a long time for me to get access to my children last year which is now locked in a bitter custody battle...my husband will not let my son call or text me when he is with him (my husband has both children at the moment due to the circumstances last year)...recently my sons attitude has changed dramatically to the extent that he thinks he is evil, he is unloved, unwanted, he has stated over this weekend he wants to kill himself and has tried to hang himself up on coat hangers, shoes laces, hes jumped out his bedroom window trying to hang himself as well..if i give him into trouble he states he hates me calls me names and runs away and wishes that i was dead too...he is constantly arguing with his younger brother who is only 23 months (my youngest son does not like to have him around him or give him a hug..i think he is actually scared of my eldest son)..my son shout and swears, my kids are physically fighting, he bites and nips him and my eldest son has pushed the little one out the bed because he was crying,thought it was funny..my son blames my youngest for being born saying he has ruined everything and split his dad and i up...my youngest son is usually fine on his own he plays away happily same with my oldest son but the minute the two of them play together there is chaos and my baby screams until i get the oldest child away from him...i tried to get my son help around Christmas time i took him to the doctor but because the children stay with their dad they thought it was best to inform him..i told the doctor he would not be responsive to it...sure enough a couple of days later the doctor calls to tell me he isn't taking matters further...he has no parental rights over me and basically as it stands both of us share contact with the children...i don't know what to do but my child need some sort of help..i have thought about going to get a psychiatric report done but have been informed this needs to be agreed between two parents...my husband is only out to hurt me he doesn't seem to care about what is actually happening round about him and every time i try to talk to him about issues with the children he says I'm making them up..its got to a stage that we don't talk at pick ups...i have done everything i can for the sake of the children..basically what i am looking for is advice on how to deal with my children's behaviour and get the help they really need before its too late..
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like your son needs immediate attention by a mental health professional. It is important that you try to get him help right away. His attempts to hurt himself and his expressions about not feeling loved and that he is evil is his way of telling you he needs help and that he is desperate.

 

It is imperative that you get your son to a hospital to be evaluated. If you can, have his doctor back you up with either calling ahead or sending a referral. Also, contact your attorney and find out what legal rights you have. There must be a way to get your son help without having to involve his father for approval.

 

In general, make sure you are recording in some manner the problems your husband is causing. If it can be proven he is mentally and emotionally harming your children, then you will have more evidence to help your child with. Write down what is said, times, dates, witnesses etc. Keep a log and inform professionals involved in your situation about what is happening.

 

It is also important that you have your son and the rest of your children see a therapist. It can be family therapy (that you are involved in) or just the kids. But no court in the world should ever deny a child the chance to have therapy, especially in light of what your kids have been through. So if you need to appeal along the legal path, do so.

 

There is not going to be a easy way to help your son until he has professional help. You can talk with him and be honest about the situation (at a child's level). Tell him frequently that although the adults are having problems, none of what is happening is his fault. He needs to know that someone is on his side and that what he is being told by his father and what is happening in general will be dealt with by you and other adults. It sounds like your son is taking all this in and blaming himself. That needs to be addressed as soon as you can.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

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