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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I have a problem. I have lost all respect for my husband. Not

Resolved Question:

I have a problem. I have lost all respect for my husband. Not because he is cheating or being a dog but because he just can't seem to get it together. He is still very irresponsible but now it is like he doesn't even try to come up with a solution to anything. If the car breaks down he looks to me, if the bills need paying he looks to me, even whem our home was damaged in the storms he looked to me. I feel like I am married to a child. We are no longer intimate and I have stopped wearing the ring. I even threatened to leave and he cried and begged and made a bunch more promises. At this point I am angry as heck at him for not being there. I feel betrayed like he tricked me into marrying him. Honestly I want out. I am so depressed I don't know who I am anymore. all I do is work and go home and then deal with my family. He also takes everything personally when we talk. He says I am attacking him when I ask him to help me. and told his mother I make him feel like less than a man. that hurt since I go above and beyond trying to hold my tongue and not say anything mean to him. am I stupid if I stay or will he change? He still refuses counseling.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for requesting my help.

 

It is very difficult on you when he will not accept responsibility for his own behavior. Until he does, there is going to be little you can do to change him. The only thing you can control is you.

 

You can try talking to him again about taking responsibility. Given that you are on the verge of leaving the marriage, try telling him you are willing to give the marriage a last chance, but that you need him to realize that he has a problem with responsibility. Sometimes, men (and women too) are raised by parents that do not make them responsible for their own behavior. In other words, the parents do everything for the kids, even their homework. So as the child becomes an adult, they think someone else will do everything for them.

 

Whether or not this was the case with your husband, somewhere along the line he learned not to take responsibility. This absolutely needs addressed either through working on this at home, or better yet, by a therapist. Let your husband know that you want him to go with you to therapy to work on this problem. If he still refuses, then follow through yourself. You need the support to help you decide what to do.

 

If you decide to leave the marriage, think about a separation first. Sometimes, a separation can help couples think things through and decide what is best for the marriage. Here are some resources to help you with your situation:

 

Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage by Lee Raffel

 

How to Know If It's Time to Go: A 10-Step Reality Test for Your Marriage by Dr. Lawrence Birnbach and Dr. Beverly Hyman

 

How to Respect an Irresponsible Man, Revised Edition by Christina Dixon and Patricia Hicks

 

The Emotional Foundations of Loving Relationships by John Hoffman

 

Try Amazon.com or your local library for these books.

 

I hope this helped,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
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