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psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
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2nd opinion - My husband left me after 20 years

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My husband left me after 20 years of marriage for another woman.He moved in with her and her 3 young kids and broke up her marriage which was about to dissolve anyway but our marriage was strong and we were always proud of our relationship together and with our 2 most amazing teenagers.We were considered the success story of happy couples and families.So it was a real shock to me and the kids when I found out through his mistresses mother in law on the phone that he was having an affair.
It has been almost 10 months now with him coming back to me twice and then leaving again saying that he felt trapped,caged. He always promised to take care of me and our kids financially but that he had found his soulmate and had to be with her.That I was his financial priority, that he still loved me but was not in love with me.
In the last 2 months or so,he has told me that he has woken up and feels like he was in a coma and if he could turn back time,he would not have done what he did.That he wants to come back to me and grow old with me but that I have to be patient and wait while he gets his mistress out of his system and wait for the lease to be finished on the house that he is responsible for renting with her,which will be done only in October while he continues to live with her since he cannot afford to move out on his own and since I have had to sell our house and move in with my dad.He would like for me to wait until he can move out and get himself a small apt and then we could start dating and see if we could work to save our marriage which he knows is my ultimate goal.
He has told his mistress that its over and that he wants to be back with me and his kids,but she is going bankrupt and cannot afford to move out so he feels responsible for her because if he kicks her out she will have no place to go.
I need to know if I should be talking with him like I have been for months now and even doing alot more than talking at times.I want him back so very much but I feel that I need to stay away from him and even stop talking to him for him to really see if he will miss me and perhaps speed up the process of moving out.
I am so confused!!!!
He also says that he needs to stay away from both of us and see if he isn't better off on his own,but then he says that no way does he want a divorce.He says that he has woken up to not wanting the life that he has with her and her kids and her crazy nutcase ex husband,and by the way she has 3 kids under 10 years old,one whom is autistic and one whom has anger issues and she is always fighting with her ex over the time they have the kids.My husband is 48 years old and I am 46 and she is 36.Her ex wants her back and is doing everything in his power to be contrary.They are in the process of a divorce and custady battle.Our kids are 19 and 16 and have been with me since this all started.They have no respect for their father.They have just recently started seeing him briefly.
Should I tell him that I don't want to hear from him until he has left his living arrangements with her and knows for sure that he still loves me and wants to save our marriage,or should I continue to see him occasionally which really hurts me alot and continue to hope that he means what he is saying and does not change his mind once again like he has done many times in the last few months.
As you can see I have been in limbo for many months now.I have lost my independence by having to move in with my father dragging my teens with me,which is not a healthy living situation.
I amstressed to the max.
What would you do if you were in my shoes?
Please be very very honest with me.

I would tell him to call me when it's all over. He has told you 3 different things - he wants to be alone, he wants to be with her and he wants to be with you. Which is it? He doesn't want to be together because he doesn't know what he wants. He is stringing you along by living with his mistress. That's what the evidence says. He has you on hold and he has her on hold. He is either really manipulative or he doesn't know what he wants. Either way you are hanging in limbo while he lives with someone else. Trust me. If she really wanted to move she would. She would find a way. Why doesn't he decide what he wants, move somewhere stable, figure out what he wants, and then let you know. I would be so fed up he wouldn't have to worry about it.


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