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Arundhati
Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 256
Experience:  Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
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I have a massive problem

Customer Question

I have a massive problem with my girlfriend. Every time I get drunk I end up abusing her, calling her names and putting her down. I have had girlfriends before and this has never happened. My friends thing it has something to do with been insecure. I was never insecure in other relationships. Its clear that these outbursts toward her need to stop, and I am going to make the biggest efforts to do that. I am going to cut back on drink for a while until I sort out whats going on in my head. And I plan on just not drinking to get hammered anymore, I hope she realise that I am seriously head over heels in love with her, I don’t know what it is that happens me when I get drunk that makes me freak out like that. It’s clear to everyone that I love her, like her girls joked about how whipped I am. I know I need to cut back on drinking a lot, Another thing is that yes I have had girlfriends before and I thought I have loved before but it wasn't anything like this, I always assumed we would break up at some stage but with her I feel a lot more vulnerable, sometimes it wouldn't matter to her if we were together or not. I have never told her this, but that might be bringing out my complete psycho actions when I’m drunk. This is all going to sound so petty................ Me and her meet all the time and everything, but it’s always me calling over to her place, even when I asked her a few months back could she start coming over to mine a bit more, even just to call and then go home after she said she would yet she never did. I no she are unreal good to me, and she is always cooking me dinner and I do appreciate it, but at times it just seem she is uninterested to even meet unless I call over to her. I think that’s what’s making me so insecure about us, I just feel that sometimes she didn’t really care if we were going out or not.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Arundhati replied 3 years ago.
Hello,

Thank you for writing in to just answer.

It sounds like your gf is somewhat emotionally unavailable to you. And that could be a reason why you act the way you do towards her when you are drunk. Basically you are trying to get a reaction out of her since she seems to unresponsive at other times.

But again, there is not justification for your outbursts so I would strongly urge you to stop the behavior and it is good to see that you are working towards slowing down your drinking and partying etc.

I think what will be helpful is if you can consult with a therapist to see how you can adopt different behaviors to deal with the insecurity your gf makes you experience.
A therapist would be able to provide you with tools and techniques to handle your gf's emotional unavailability in a different way. And also help you to change the current pattern of getting drunk and taking it out on your gf.

I hope this was helpful.

Please do let me know if you have further questions/thoughts.

Kind Regards,

Arundhati
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
But the main problem is, granted I have just mentioned a number of times where my girlfriend has been distant, but for most of the time she is great. Like we always snuggle on the couch, and even sometimes she would tct me to come over for a cuddle. Granted there are times when she needs to act more interested in me, but Its not that she is emotionally distant from me, I feel that its because I expect too much from her. I don't no, a lot of my male friends have finished college, and moved for jobs and I have invested a lot of time with this girl, is it possible that I am giving too much because I am lonely and when she doesn't give the same amount that I feel unloved. These are just things that are coming into my head. Currently we are on a break, she feels physically drained from my outbursts and needs space so I am trying to give her that but its difficult. Is there any other way of proving myseld other than cutting back on drink.
Expert:  Arundhati replied 3 years ago.
Hello,

Thank you for the additional information.

Yes what you say makes sense and it is possible that you have become somewhat emotionally dependent on her. Or another way to look at it is that you've looked to her to fulfill many of your needs instead of say building a bigger social network, focusing on your career etc. If that is the case you would need to address this in therapy and discuss techniques that can help you regain your personal independence so that you don't need anything from your gf or have any expectations other than enjoying her company. I would encourage you to use therapy to get to that place.

I hope that was helpful. Let me know if you have thoughts/questions. Also, please click on Accept as experts are not credited for their time or service otherwise.

Kind Regards,

Arundhati
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I think that you may be right about been somewhat independent on her, because I live so near her, and I don't get on with my house mates I feel that I ended up turning to her all the time. There were nights when my friends were going out and I would prefer to stay in with her,because it was what I was used to, while when it was the other way around she would go out. I think I actually would get a little frustrated with this, which is unhealthy. Ok so I talked to her, and she is saying that she is mentally drained from my outbursts when i'm drunk. That she needs time to think. She doesn't understand how I can love her, and yet have so much hate towards her that I would say such bad things. Do you think it is possible that drink makes me feel this way. Granted there are some underlying issues about myself but at the same time I no how I feel about her.
Expert:  Arundhati replied 3 years ago.
Hello,

It is possible that the dependence you've developed on her leads to frequent frustrations about her not meeting your expectations and this frustration is what comes out during times when you are drunk. It could be a mixture of anger towards her for not meeting all your expectations along with anger at yourself for being so dependent on her emotionally (which is why a part of you lashes out at her because it wants to prove to itself that it does not need her). Those are my thoughts. It is hard to speculate over the internet so I may or may not be right. I would encourage you to consult with a therapist to get to the heart of this so that you can work through the underlying issues. Once you do work on your issues she should respond much more positively to you, and you should start to feel more confident/in control in your life.

Please click Accept if this was helpful. Let me know if you have questions.

Kind Regards,

Arundhati

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Arundhati
Arundhati
Mental Health Professional
256 Satisfied Customers
Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author