Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue. First, let me say I am very concerned that the two of you are not recognizing that women who are breastfeeding often don't feel a return of their libido that strongly or quickly. So that is something the two of you need to be on the same page about. This is not that he has lost his ability to attract you, it's that you have hormonal things happening that are meant to reduce your libido. You can also talk to your OBGYN about some treatments you might be able to use while breastfeeding. The answer I am going to give you,though, is about what you two can do on your own. I want you to print out my answer and both of you read it together and discuss it and use it as a way to help the situation together. You must reorient your thinking about sex. You have been thinking in this way: no libido, therefore sex is useless and not worth a try. This is not even true for men, and is certainly not true for women. The majority of women can't achieve orgasm through intercourse at any given time anyways. And while breastfeeding, you have no interest in the fantasy zone. And sex in humans is almost ALL in the fantasy zone. So I need you to reorient to this: sex is about GIVING pleasure; sex is also about RECEIVING pleasure, not orgasms. This is how I work successfully with couples in my office. Getting them to reorient themselves. It seems that you may be focused on the traditional model of sex where both of you are heavy breathing and achieving orgasm. This may need to loosen up. Right now if your pleasure is having him stroke your back and that's the height of your pleasure, okay. Good enough. If he then is aroused, give him pleasure. That's not a bad thing. You can even be creative in giving him pleasure. You are even allowed to enjoy giving someone you love pleasure! If you then want your back rubbed some more, why not ask? If you like to have your private parts touched without having to feel more than just the touch, that's also good enough. You can just say what you would like! I want you and your husband to put more emphasis on foreplay. Creative foreplay. I want you to touch and manipulate his penis and body more and focus on enjoying his increasing pleasure and become sensitive to small increases in pleasure and enjoying becoming better at it. If you two like oral sex, that's great here as well. The idea is to enjoy GIVING pleasure. But it can't be only one way. You have to give him the opportunity to give you pleasure. You don't have to come INTO the sex situation already desirous and wanting sex. But you can come in with a relaxed attitude ready to feel pleasure. Just because it may not be orgasmic, does not mean that being touched is NOT pleasurable. And you may need to guide him on how to touch other parts of your body as well to help you relax and get ready for pleasure. Again, I'm not talking about you having to fake an orgasm. I recommend you allowing yourself to feel pleasure. PLEASURE. It doesn't have to be more than that. Yes, it will take some training on your part to let yourself relax enough to just feel pleasure in being touched. During intercourse, you may not enjoy that so much for yourself but you can find ways to enjoy GIVING pleasure.
Because remember: sex for humans is mostly in the imagination. And if your husband feels you aren't turned on by him, he's feeling less worthy of a man. And so a basic misunderstanding is happening here. So, this reorienting to pleasure, giving and receiving, will help in the fantasy zone and in the feeling worthy as sexual partners.
I wish you both the very best! Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX
thank you Dr. Mark
the thing is.. I always had a lack of desire.. also with my previous partners..
yes I love when he stroke my back, my thighs..
I can even have pleasure myself when I give him pleasure.. (oral sex)
the problem is that he got tired of being the one "begging" for it
so now he's waiting for me..
when I know its been a while.. a week or more.. and I hear comments..
I push myself into it..
and its ok.. but how nicer could it be if I really had some real desire..
thank you for your answer Dr. Mark..
the problem is that the desire of giving him pleasure is not coming..
it would come.. after a month maybe..
I do have the desire to be stroke in the back once in a while.. I love to feel his hands stroking my body.. I do love when he surprise me with a hug from behind.. when I'm doing the dishes for example.. things like that..
I do have the desire of giving him pleasure once in a while.. Iike a massage
or even oral sex.. but he would be frustrated before it comes..
I think my problem is hormonal.. because I did have a little bit of libido when I was pregnant.. but again it was like no more then once a week or so.. but at least the desire was there..
yes I totally get what you mean thats why I try to give him this sexual love once a week..
its just sad and hard on both of us.. for me because.. I am craving this desire.. I would like to offer it to him.. and for him because he would love to feel his wife desire for him..
maybe I didn't choose my words properly here..
yes I am craving in a way to desire because I want my man to be happy..
but I don't stress about it..
I do recognise the desire in me of making my husband happy, of giving him pleasure..
but the sex drive.. not so much..
I think there is none.. my only resentment is that I don't feel like having sex..
its like if I could live without it.. but when I'm into it.. I'm somewhat comfortable and open..