Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.
First, let me say I can imagine how confusing and distressing this situation must be for you. On the one hand you have said you want to get back together with him very much. But on the other hand he you can sense something is not right with what's going on here.
And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. Both you and your husband seem to have lost all sense of a moral compass, adult judgment. Now I know this was a harsh statement. You are a very competent and intelligent woman and you have asked me to be honest and open with you and that is how I am approaching this. But you have very little support right now, so I have to be careful and not be too honest even though you are a very strong person. So let's make sure that you know that I'm on your side here. And that this is the hardest thing I will say: you have lost your sense of judgment here. So lets try to get it back.
The best way to do that is to ask yourself every step of the way: what VALUES message will this action that I am thinking of taking be sending my kids? For example, if you try to get closer with him while he's living with this woman, what message is that sending your kids? What values is that TEACHING them?
I'll tell you one for sure: that it's acceptable for a man to treat his wife and kids as if they are old cars that he's trading in and then not have to have any consequences for it. Right?
Well, what message do you WANT to teach your kids? Right, that people must be treated with respect and consideration. And if they are not treated with respect and consideration, then they need to have SELF respect and close their boundaries and seek comfort and good times and happiness elsewhere. So why is mom not treating herself that way?
See how this works? You are their parent. They are your first responsibility. He has lost sight of that and acts as if he is an adolescent. He wants the red car today because he got tired of the yellow car he had last week. Your kids don't need two adolescent parents!
He is not a free man, is he? He is living with a woman. He doesn't seem to treat her with any more respect than he did you. He's willing to cheat on her as much as you. What message is that to send the kids?
So, when he is a free man, if you have any reason to want this man, go ahead. But I caution you to move slowly at that time and require that the two of you go to couples therapy first to deal with this. He will deny he did anything wrong. What message is that sending?
But until then, what business do you have talking with a man who has committed himself to another woman? Would you want to send this message to your kids? That it's okay to talk to a man who is living with another woman about him leaving her for you? So maybe tell your kids this is why you aren't seeing their dad, because you have values you live by. And that's why you are struggling financially, because values are more important to you than what's easy. It certainly seems like he likes things to be easy, doesn't it? And then when they get hard, he exits...
So, I have given you some clues here about the values that have been violated and what he looks like from a values point of view. I hope that gives you an opportunity to reassess why you might want to stay away from him. And what you might require to even consider getting back with him. And what you want your kids to learn from all of this. And then teach them.
I wish you the very best!
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