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Arundhati
Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 256
Experience:  Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
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i am very unhappy. The most unhappy i have been for some time.

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i am very unhappy. The most unhappy i have been for some time. My spouse has accepted a job overseas and we are going to have to move lock, stock and barrel. This will mean I will also have to give up my career which has been both rewarding, stimulating and extremely stressful at times.
My main anxiety is that if it all goes pear shaped for him, neither of us will end up having a job. I fear repeating the same mistakes my parents made many years ago in very similar circumstances..
As well as being out of work and out of independent earnings, I will be at home all day in a country where I do not yet speak the language. I feel anxious and depressed just thinking about this.
In the time we have been apart I have wondered if I really want to continue being with my spouse as I have had repeated stressful weekend visits over there which have resulted in arguments, friction and increasing distance between us.
Most days I dread waking up and delay getting out of bed as long as I can, I feel as if life is becoming a complete drag and a downer.
How on earth am I going to manage to stay married and sane?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Arundhati replied 3 years ago.
Hello,

Thank you for writing in to Just Answer.

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through and want to say that your fears and concerns are very valid.

I think there are two issues here.

First, it is clear from what you write that there are major issues in your relationship with him. These need to be addressed. It seems like over the weeks these issues are not really getting sorted out but instead getting worse. This is leading you to have psychosomatic symptoms such as feeling fatigued, de-motivated, not wanting to get out of bed, wanting to work all the time to keep yourself distracted etc. None of these unfortunately can solve the problems. What needs to happen is the specific issues that are causing the fights have to be identified, acknowledged and clear cut goals have to be set to resolve these conflicts. If this feels like a daunting task you could consider consulting with a couple's counselor who can be a good sounding board. You could go to the counselor's office and then your husband could dial in at the same time - or some such arrangement could be made for the sessions. If you are interested, here is a directory you can use to search for couple's therapists in your area.

The second issue here is the move to a new country. I think your fears are very valid and there is no guarantee that you'll land a job there right away, or that you will like the place. Given this, it may be a good idea to first try and get a job in that country. A job which doesn't require the local language. You can start applying for jobs online through a site such as monster.com that does have job listing for many cities of the world. Till then you can continue in your current job.

Until you have gained confidence that you can most certainly find a satisfactory job in that country and until a majority of the issues in your marriage have been addressed, it may not be a good idea to move. The move will not doubt put more pressure on the marriage and given where things are, the added pressure can only make it worse.

I hope this was helpful.

Please let me know if you have questions/thoughts.

Kind Regards,

Arundhati
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I think that you should know I have 2 teenage children. For their sake I feel that we should be a family living in the same house. My son misses his dad and my daughter would benefit from a father figure's input.They anticipate being in a new school by September. There is no question that they will be transferring there in August.

 

My occupation is in the ever decreasing health service, within a clincally high risk area. The thought that comes to mind is that this would be a good opportunity to change disciplines and to finally step away from a highly litigious and stressful arena. I am afraid that I am already manifesting signs of clinical burn out as I find myself becoming increasingly irritable and intolerant which is a contrast to how I am usually.

 

I come from a very orthodox religious background where family life is highly regarded and wives should ideally be at home. To say that I have bucked the trend is an understatement. What I am currently doing in working out my period of notice and allowing my children to finish their school year is frowned upon. This is very evident by the coolness I am treated with by my community. I feel as if I have been smitten with something infectious and no one wants to get it. What better treatment to drive a lonely adult into inappropriate relationships for want of companionship.

 

My partner expects support and affection from everyone whenever we all meet. In truth it is usually the least of our considerations as the journey there or here is arduous. Personally i think you cant have both... you either have a cooperative and stable, orderly home with minimal fuss and not much emotional expression or else you have feet of gushing kisses and tearful phone calls telling dad how much we are missing him and everything is falling to pieces in his absence! Im afraid I fall into the former category after many years of being an expat kid where order simply HAD to prevail to keep the family stable in sometimes very uncertain and dangerous circumstances.

I think this may add some information to what you have written. Essentially it may not change your view but there are factors which seem to dictate the progress of current events.

Expert:  Arundhati replied 3 years ago.
Hello,

Thank you for the additional information.

Yes it does add layers of complexity to your situation.

It sounds like the move really has to happen. It doesn't necessarily mean that you need to give up working or lose your financial independence though. There are several work from home options you could consider even if it's in the interim period while you evaluate other options/career paths. For example a site called myngle.com let's people become online language teachers and I know of several people who make a full time living working from home on that site. (Full disclosure: I have no financial interests or any association with that site) What I'm trying to say is that you could technically continue to earn money by working from home so it is not that you have to give up your financial independence.

In time I would encourage you to identify and address the issues in your marriage. Issues come up in every relationship and children often test boundaries too making it even more stressful at time but if you continually feeling drained and tired and unhappy there is certainly a need for some kind of intervention either by seeing a couple's therapist (if that is available in the country if you are moving to) or internally amongst yourselves.

I hope that was helpful.

Please let me know if you have questions/thoughts.

Kind Regards,

Arundhati
Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 256
Experience: Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
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