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Arundhati
Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 256
Experience:  Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
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Customer Question

is anyone available to chat!
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Arundhati replied 3 years ago.
Hello there,

If you post your question, I will be happy to answer it.

Thank you,

Regards,

Arundhati
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

hi arundhati and thanks for getting back to me, this is my story and any feedback would be helpful,

 

I have been with my husband for 7 years, married for 3 years. a bit of background about him, he is the only child, his parents divorced when he was 1 year old and he mainly lived with his mother, he decided at 14 to stop speaking to his father for reasons i dont really know, he says it didnt suit him and he believed his father was bringing him down more than having a positive impact.

 

we were madly in love when we first met, we had so many things in common, he came across as a decent gentle man. he use to pay alot of attention to me and was very caring. when we first met he had this v negative idea about marriage and he told me if he ever get married it wont be before he is 30. We got married when he was 25! i never really suspected him of having an eye for other women, just before we got married i found out that he was viewing porn on an extensive rate and although it made me feel abit insecure it didnt really bother me as i grew up with many brothers and udnerstood that this is something men do.

 

6 months into the marriage i found out that he is viewing escort websites some for areas very near to where he works, i was devestated! shocked, i didnt know what to think. it was like the man i know was unreal. i remember once he told me before we got married that his ex girlfriend took him to a strip club but he couldnt look at the women because he thought they were really degrading themselves. anyway this rocked my world, i became deistant from him, i was hurt and couldnt understand. he felt my distance and asked me, he cried saying why are u treating me this bad! and i had no chocie but to tell him, he was so embarrased and said that he was just looking with no intention to take it for real. i said fine and told him that it hurt me and i dont want him to repeat it, i said u can look at antyhing else u want, anything at all but not this.

 

i am an attractive girl, with i would say a high sex drive but it always felt that i was initiating sex, i didnt feel that he was attracted to me although everytime i asked him he said he was and he loves me so much. the viewing of the escort websites continued and i kept finding out and feeling worse about myself. i tried to ignore it and get on with my life. one year after we got married i fell pregnant, i was so excited and happy but suffered a late miscarriage at 5 months pregnant. he has a busy job and never really came with me to appointments but he was v upset when i lost the baby....soon after i tried again and went on to have another 3 miscarriages in a period of 6 months. as time went by he became more and more distant, he kept saying that i dont trust him and kept warning me that he will fall out of love with me if i dont change my ways.

 

3 months after my last miscarriage i went away on a work conference for 2 days, when icame back i discovered that he did take an escort out for dinner.i wanted to leave, but he cried and begged me to stay saying that he didnt do anything with her. that i suspected him for long and that is why he thought he might as well go ahead with it, but he said that was the worst evening of his life. i forgave him but couldnt be myself around him but then a couple of weeks later he said he wanted to go away for a week to think things through when he came back he told me we should seperate. i loved him so much and that shocked me and i asked him to give me one more chance to try and make the marriage work and relucntantly he agreed. for three months we were getting back to normal until i found out he is having an affair with his married assitant who was a mother of 3 and 10 years older than him. i broke down and couldnt believe it. he asked me to leave the house and give him space ot think or he will file for divorce. iwent away for 2 months during which he didnt contact me at all. two months later he texted me saying his decision is final and he has filed for divorce. it has been 6 months since and he has filed for divorce but not taking the matter that seriously. he refused for me to go back home, saying that i am better off with my parents and that i should find someone else. he said he cant help the way he feels, that he doesnt love me and doesnt want me in his life.

 

i begged, pleaded, cried, my world collpased. in my culture a divorce is unacceptable and i cant believe how he did this to me especially after all what i have been though! i kept hearing that he is now goes to strip clubs and shows, he is having the time of his life. he is so cold with me, like he never knew me, he doesnt answer my calls, messages or doesnt show that he cares at all.

 

i love him so much still and i wish i can stop. sometimes i feel that he is confused that he has got a double personality. on one hand, he talks to people about spirituality on the other he is leading a secret life that nobody could ever believe he is leading. sometimes i think what happened with his dad might have contributed....i dont know but i am so confused and i cant see a way out. sorry for the long story but this is what happened.

 

thanks for your help!

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

 

are you available?

Expert:  Arundhati replied 3 years ago.
Hi there, I'm reading your question and will post my reply soon. Just give me some time.

Thanks!
Expert:  Arundhati replied 3 years ago.
Hello,

Thank you for your question and I'm sorry you're going through this experience.

At this point, given what you have described, it sounds like your ex-husband has really moved on. When he was in the marriage I think he wasn't entirely honest with you about who he was. And he was probably trying to put up an image of someone he wasn't. This could be because he wasn't honest about who he really is when he was dating you and later realized after the marriage that he needed to keep up that image he had portrayed when dating you. It could also be that he married too early for his own good - perhaps he wanted to experiment, date more people before settling down? For whatever reasons, there seems to be several underlying issues he was dealing with and it certainly could have come from his childhood/past.

What is most important at this point is that you need to remove yourself from this relationship. This relationship or whatever is left of it, has become toxic for you now. You are probably caught in the loop where you constantly go back into the past and think about what could have gone wrong. Or you wish things had worked out differently. Whatever it is, I think your biggest priority now should be to to remove yourself from this relationship and start working on starting a new life.

You describe yourself as a attractive woman and you're only in your 30s so I have no doubt that you can get started on a healthy, happy life path with rewarding relationships. What has happened has already happened and you cannot go back and change the past.

From what you wrote, I wouldn't encourage a reconciliation at all. Nor should you feel guilty. This is really not your fault. You are not to blame for this even if your culture looks down on divorces, in this case it does look like it was probably the best outcome.

I believe that you are woman of great strength to have endured multiple miscarriages. Please don't be disheartened by what you've gone through. Simply try to focus all your energy on looking ahead and creating a positive, rewarding and enriching life. You can do it!

I hope that was helpful. Please click Accept so that I can be credited for my time/service.

Kind Regards,

Arundhati

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