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Hi, Sania! You know, to give you the best answer, I think I should ask you a few questions first that will help define the problem and the situation.
Can you tell me more about the divorce?
Also about if there are children and what the marriage was like and why the divorce was necessary?
Are you seeing a psychotherapist or a counselor? Is that an option for you in Oman?
Any extra information that will help, feel free to share.
Let's go forward from the answers to these questions. Please go ahead and post your response. I may be away from the computer for the night (US time) before you respond. If so, would tomorrow be okay for me to respond?
Hi Dr mark and thanks for your response.
I have been with my husband for 7 years, married for 3 years. a bit of background about him, he is the only child, his parents divorced when he was 1 year old and he mainly lived with his mother, he decided at 14 to stop speaking to his father for reasons i dont really know, he says it didnt suit him and he believed his father was bringing him down more than having a positive impact.
we were madly in love when we first met, we had so many things in common, he came across as a decent gentle man. he use to pay alot of attention to me and was very caring. when we first met he had this v negative idea about marriage and he told me if he ever get married it wont be before he is 30. We got married when he was 25! i never really suspected him of having an eye for other women, just before we got married i found out that he was viewing porn on an extensive rate and although it made me feel abit insecure it didnt really bother me as i grew up with many brothers and udnerstood that this is something men do.
6 months into the marriage i found out that he is viewing escort websites some for areas very near to where he works, i was devestated! shocked, i didnt know what to think. it was like the man i know was unreal. i remember once he told me before we got married that his ex girlfriend took him to a strip club but he couldnt look at the women because he thought they were really degrading themselves. anyway this rocked my world, i became deistant from him, i was hurt and couldnt understand. he felt my distance and asked me, he cried saying why are u treating me this bad! and i had no chocie but to tell him, he was so embarrased and said that he was just looking with no intention to take it for real. i said fine and told him that it hurt me and i dont want him to repeat it, i said u can look at antyhing else u want, anything at all but not this.
i am an attractive girl, with i would say a high sex drive but it always felt that i was initiating sex, i didnt feel that he was attracted to me although everytime i asked him he said he was and he loves me so much. the viewing of the escort websites continued and i kept finding out and feeling worse about myself. i tried to ignore it and get on with my life. one year after we got married i fell pregnant, i was so excited and happy but suffered a late miscarriage at 5 months pregnant. he has a busy job and never really came with me to appointments but he was v upset when i lost the baby....soon after i tried again and went on to have another 3 miscarriages in a period of 6 months. as time went by he became more and more distant, he kept saying that i dont trust him and kept warning me that he will fall out of love with me if i dont change my ways.
3 months after my last miscarriage i went away on a work conference for 2 days, when icame back i discovered that he did take an escort out for dinner.i wanted to leave, but he cried and begged me to stay saying that he didnt do anything with her. that i suspected him for long and that is why he thought he might as well go ahead with it, but he said that was the worst evening of his life. i forgave him but couldnt be myself around him but then a couple of weeks later he said he wanted to go away for a week to think things through when he came back he told me we should seperate. i loved him so much and that shocked me and i asked him to give me one more chance to try and make the marriage work and relucntantly he agreed. for three months we were getting back to normal until i found out he is having an affair with his married assitant who was a mother of 3 and 10 years older than him. i broke down and couldnt believe it. he asked me to leave the house and give him space ot think or he will file for divorce. iwent away for 2 months during which he didnt contact me at all. two months later he texted me saying his decision is final and he has filed for divorce. it has been 6 months since and he has filed for divorce but not taking the matter that seriously. he refused for me to go back home, saying that i am better off with my parents and that i should find someone else. he said he cant help the way he feels, that he doesnt love me and doesnt want me in his life.
i begged, pleaded, cried, my world collpased. in my culture a divorce is unacceptable and i cant believe how he did this to me especially after all what i have been though! i kept hearing that he is now goes to strip clubs and shows, he is having the time of his life. he is so cold with me, like he never knew me, he doesnt answer my calls, messages or doesnt show that he cares at all.
i love him so much still and i wish i can stop. sometimes i feel that he is confused that he has got a double personality. on one hand, he talks to people about spirituality on the other he is leading a secret life that nobody could ever believe he is leading. sometimes i think what happened with his dad might have contributed....i dont know but i am so confused and i cant see a way out. sorry for the long story but this is what happened.
thanks for your help!
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX the added information. It helps a lot. I believe I can now be of help with this issue.
First, let me say I can imagine how overwhelming this situation must be for you. On the one hand you love your husband and don't want the divorce. But on the other hand he has deep psychological problems. And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. Sania, I wish your culture that has so many wonderful elements in it for you did not have this one part--that divorce is unacceptable and is a stigma for you. Because the truth is that you married someone who was not who you think he is.
It is not that he was living a double life. No, that is not his problem. What he presented to you when you first met was the person he desperately WANTED to be. He so much wanted to be the loving, caring, stable man that could have a normal marriage with an attractive woman who loves him and enjoys sex.
But, Sania, as much as he wanted to be that man, he could not maintain that facade. Because inside, he has psychological problems that have never been treated. Yes, you are correct. They come from his childhood, his relationship with his mother, his father, and his sense of what a man is, and what a man should be. And it's very complicated inside for him.
And it seems that in the end, the effort to be that man he portrayed himself to you was too much for him. He could not maintain it. And now he has given up on it. And so he is "throwing you away" so to speak. Because you remind him of his failure, his inability to be the normal man he tried to be.
So print out my answer and discuss it with your family. Because you are not at fault here. You were with him in good faith and married him in good faith. And you were presented with a man who was not who he said he was.
I wish you the very best!
Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX