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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5240
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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Hello, I have been married for six years now and me and my

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Hello, I have been married for six years now and me and my wife have not had a good sex life. She implanted in my head that it would hurt her so i try to be more cautious which just makes me lose the mood after a while. Just when we were getting to actually doint it right i got a brain tumor and then we did not even try for about two years. Well now we are ata crucial road since I still dont seem to do it right and now she is losing interest in me and I love her dearly and would not want to lose her! Do I just need to take charge and just get over the hurting her thing or what? I really need to do this right now so I can keep her interest!
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 5 years ago.

Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.

First, let me say I am very pleased to be answering this because you are a very caring and loving husband. I work with couples on sexual matters rather often and that you are on her side and caring is such a blessing in this.

The answer I am going to give you is in two parts. One is what you two can do on your own and the other is about therapy. I want you to print out my answer and both of you read it together and discuss it and use it as a way to help the situation together.

So first, let's talk about what you two can do and it may be enough. Here are some pointers to get you there.

Sex: you must reorient your thinking about sex. Sex is about RECEIVING pleasure; sex is also about GIVING pleasure, not orgasms. This is how I work successfully with couples in my office. Getting them to reorient themselves. It seems that you may be focused on the traditional model of sex where both of you are heavy breathing and achieving orgasm. This may need to loosen up.

The first thing is that the two of you need to have an open discussion about what is going on. Is she still having pain? If so, has she discussed this with her gynecologist to rule out any physical problem? So let's assume that this has been done already as we move on with the answer. And that the two of you need to now establish the sexual "procedure" you want to follow as a couple. So let me address the next part to her:

He is afraid you are losing interest. If it is because he is not relaxed, okay, then go ahead and help him relax. It is okay to ask for what you like. You can tell him how to move his hands or his body. That's legitimate in good sex. And feminine.

If you are losing interest for other reasons, that's okay too, let him know. Right now if your pleasure is having him stroke your back and that's the height of your pleasure, okay. Good enough. If he then is aroused, give him pleasure. That's not a bad thing. You can even be creative in giving him pleasure. You are even allowed to enjoy giving someone you love pleasure! If you then want your back rubbed some more, why not ask? If you like to have your private parts touched without having to feel more than just the touch, that's also good enough. You can just say what you would like! I want you and your husband to put more emphasis on foreplay. Creative foreplay. I want you to touch and manipulate his penis and body more and focus on enjoying his increasing pleasure and become sensitive to small increases in pleasure. I want him to touch you and manipulate your vagina and body and focus on giving you pleasure in the same way.

If you two like oral sex, that's great here as well. The idea is to enjoy GIVING pleasure. But it can't be only one way. You have to give him the opportunity to give you pleasure. You don't have to come INTO the sex situation already desirous and wanting sex. But you can come in with a relaxed attitude ready to feel pleasure. Just because it may not be orgasmic, does not mean that being touched is NOT pleasurable. And you may need to guide him on how to touch other parts of your body as well to help you relax and get ready for pleasure. Again, I'm not talking about you having to fake an orgasm. I recommend you allowing yourself to feel pleasure. PLEASURE. It doesn't have to be more than that. Yes, it will take some training on your part to let yourself relax enough to just feel pleasure in being touched. During intercourse, you may not enjoy that so much for yourself but you can find ways to enjoy GIVING pleasure.

Okay, but you may find that you or your wife have some psychological problems more than what this new way of looking at sex will answer. Then, therapy is needed. You would want to seek an experienced sex therapist. By that I mean a psychologist or psychotherapist who is certified by either the AASECT (http://www.aasect.org/) or the American Board of Sexology (http://www.americanboardofsexology.com/). But you would also want a therapist who she will be comfortable with.


I wish you both the very best!

Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hello I see your point, with this more relaxed attitude is there any particular advice or position we should try or should it just come natrually?
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 5 years ago.
Why not get the classic book The Joy of Sex and try lots of different positions! The idea is to make sex fun and find what the two of you like. Make it a shared adventure. Use sex as a way to become more intimate friends, closer friends.

I wish you both the very best!

Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX
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