Thanks for contacting me at Just Answer. Let's see if I can answer your question...
Well, it seems that you are in a very tough situation. You are definitely right to confront him and tell her to get out of the picture.
He is at his daughter's graduation and will be coming home in about an hour, how do I start?
If this is allowed to continue it will not end well. I have worked with many couples in similar situations and it pretty much goes one of two ways...
Well, if you want to save the relationship you should be accepting, but assertive and firm in your approach.
accepting of what?
You can tell him that you are upset about this but want to see how things can be worked out.
Good question... accepting of him NOT what he did..
how do I approach him on this tonight?
In fact you can use those words. That has helped.
Be direct. Tell him that there is something that you must speak to him about and then go right into it.
There is not reason to pretend like this hasn't happened. You are not teenagers - tell him you want to put your cards on the table and tell him what you are willing to do (perhaps forgive him) and then tell him what you expect him to do - STOP the nonsense and rebuild his relationship with you.
why does he let her keep this up despite the fact she broke up his first marriage? We have been married 4 years and I have not seen evidence that he sees her. I have seen the text messages and he has a password XXXXX his phone and email that I don't know
I understand how problematic this is for you. The foundation of any good and happy relationship is TRUST and the second most important thing after the foundation is TRUST! Your trust has been damaged and it will take effort to rebuild it.
Should I ask him for the password? I saw the text messages before he got the phone with the password XXXXX one night we were looking at a message someone sent him and I noticed she had emailed him so I asked him if I could read it and it was very sexual. I asked him to send her a message saying not to contact him but obviously that didn't work
Now I can't say for sure why he lets her do this. It could be a number of things, such as excitement, etc. The reason is not as important as the fact that it is happening and it needs to stop or else it will end this marriage too.
I'm not sure I am in the forgiving mood. After I read his response I wasdevastated
If you ask for the password XXXXX may not go as you hope. Rather than ask him for it, tell him about trust, you can even share this conversation. Tell him that you are hurt that he keeps things from you and it bothers your trust - hopefully he will take the password XXXXX or tell you what it is without you having to ask.
I'm sure. I can understand that very well and it's a decision you will have to make on your own. At some point you will want to or else it will eat at your soul.
He can get very verbally abusive so I feel he is going to turn this around on me
I'm not surprised. Be prepared for that and don't accept it. If he starts be assertive and simply say that the issue is HIS emotional infidelity.
What can I ask him to do to regain trust..ie calling the woman and cutting it off?
If he continues with his verbal abuse, you point it out and tell him that you will discuss it as I mentioned above as adults (I suspected this was an issue already as I have worked with so many in your situation) and if he is not willing or able to do that, then you will leave.
That's a start. But trust is something that is "cultivated" it take time. It can't be cultivated by one act. But as I said that's an important start.
Everytime I think she is done with us then I periodically check the history and every so often she shows up again regardless of what he says so I feel I have already done that.
I would also strongly suggest that you see a relationship coach. It could be a therapist, pastor, priest, rabbi, or etc. he will likely not want to do this.
Yes I have asked him before to do that
Additionally, and this is important also and will help rebuild and cultivate that trust.... you will get great benefits from attending a couples retreat - at least a weekend and maybe even a week. You can find any number of them online.
I will try but I know tonight will be ugly.
Everything you do could lead to that couples retreat and that will really put you on your way and maybe even lead to more guidance from a relationship coach. If he is not will to make the effort, will you stay or go?
Tonight I feel like go
Yes, I do not envy you for tonight :( Please know you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Stick to your position and know that others have made it. Please let me know how it goes.