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David Akiva
David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience:  Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
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My husband and I have been married for three years and are

Customer Question

My husband and I have been married for three years and are 3months pregnant. Recently he brought up the fact that I cheated on him before the marriage and the fact that he doesnt trust me. This blindsided me because there was no indication that he was angry or had these feelings. Since being married I have been a virtuous woman and have taken my vows seriously. I don't know how to feel. He's bringing up something over 5 years old and is talking about separation. What should I do next?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  David Akiva replied 3 years ago.

Duddy :

Welcome! I'm an professional counselor and behavior consultant.....

Duddy :

Do you mind if I get some more info from you to better understand your situation and question?

Customer:

Sure.

Duddy :

Thank you....

Duddy :

What triggered your husband's recollection of this previous relationship, from before you got married?

Customer:

He saw the person that I cheated with, who was his friend.

Duddy :

Would you mind sharing a bit more? I'd like to better understand what about seeing this fellow would cause him to feel so uncomfortable emotionally that he would consider or talk about separation. Did you have additional exchanges or were there relationship problems prior to his seeing this person? Please clarify.

Customer:

Well he said the guy smiled at him. But to answer your question we have had no problems since we've married. I'm faithful to my husband and haven't given any indications otherwise. What do you mean by additional exchanges?

Duddy :

Well, sometimes longer standing, poorly expressed and so frustrated relationship needs, can come to the surface when an older unresolved injury is triggered. I guess I'm asking if there was any marital distress or conflict present in your marriage independent of your husband seeing this person smile.

Customer:

Well his parents have been living with us since October 31st 2010 because his dad has a very rare immune disorder and we have not really been able to have time together. Also, within this time I've gotten a new job that has irregular hours and since January we have only had one day off together, which usually was spent taking care of his parents and him just trying to catch his breathe from a long week of doctors appointments and his own job. I just feel blindsided by all of this because there was no indication that he felt like this at all. I mean, I never expected it to be forgotten, but also never felt I'd have to feel guilty about it all over again, especially after 3 years of marriage being 3 months pregnant.

Duddy :

I am really sorry that you both have to go through this right now. It sound's to me like there are at least 2 issues here: 1) That your husband has an unresolved emotional injury (likely an attachment injury) from the the pre-marital "affair;" and, 2) that you may both need to prioritize making quality relationship time with each other again to stay reconnected...

Customer:

Yea he has admitted to having abandonment issues, his mother abused him and he was rescued by his father. I just don't know how to feel we barely just told family that we are having a baby, now I must also include share that we are separating.

Duddy :

Is he separating from you or just talking about separation?

Customer:

Well he wants to live in separate places. And to be honest I'm not financially or mentally prepared for this I just graduated college May 2010 and am making less than half of what he earns. I'm afraid that if this happens I'm going to end up alone.

Duddy :

Ok so that really is serious. Would he be open to attending marital therapy to properly explore the extent to which your marriage can be improved and his issues addressed; or in the worst case scenario to separate in a way that is least harmful to all involved? I've seen incredibly distressed couples with similar and even worse presenting issues and challenges get excellent results from strong marital therapy. What are your thoughts?

Customer:

I definitely want to do the counseling, I've consulted my EAP and we can both get separate sessions then sessions together. I don't understand why he is being so drastic with the separation it's only been a week since he brought up these issues. He says he's angry at me and resents me. But he still loves me. His actions confuse me, because he is always out and now I'm stuck at home with his parents when not at work. He always kisses me before leaving and tells me that he is still here and that he isnt going anywhere. His actions dont give me a true indication of what he wants from me or us.

Duddy :

Has your husband agreed to counseling?

Customer:

yes with our minister, but I also think we need some clinical therapy.

Duddy :

I'd like to better understand your specific question for me here. What question can I best help you with, by trying to provide an answer?

Customer:

Should we take any actions before his parents leave, like separation or should we just do counseling until we are done with his parents?

Duddy :

I'd recommend getting to counseling with a well trained marital therapist. Your minister will likely have some insight here as well. Your husband's historical issues with his parents and the smiling friend may all be influencing his response right now towards separation in concert with the responsibility to parents right now. Strong marital and spiritual counsel will help you to both resolve your husband's emotional injury and the role that parent's being in your life right now may be playing as well.

Customer:

Ok, so we should keep this as intimate as possible till we get help then huh?

Duddy :

I think it's important to get help as soon as possible, especially given that children are involved. Setting up boundaries about sharing your relationship issues with others is a great presenting topic for counseling. Each situation is different, for example the distinction between the positive vs negative social support that result from sharing these experiences with those outside of your marriage.

Customer:

Thank you. This has helped me beyond my expectations.

Duddy :

Well I'm honestly passionate about helping married couples save their marriages when distressed. I'm glad to have been of assistance here for that purpose.

Customer:

I found this service on accident but it was right on time. Thank you again.

David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience: Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
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David Akiva
David Akiva
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Counselor; Behavioral Consultant