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Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience:  Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
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I got engaged last November after almost 5 years together. I get constantly depressed and

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I got engaged last November after almost 5 years together. I get constantly depressed and don't find my partner that attractive anymore (getting wrinkles), I also enjoy her company less and less. All this makes me wonder if I truly love her.. I feel like I do , but not in a passionate, deep way like it should be if you are about to get married. I understand people may feel like this after 10 to 20 years married, but not so early!! She is an amazing remarkable woman, who works hard at home and loves and cares for me deeply, I am ashamed that I don't entirely feel the same way anymore. We spoke about it and it seems like the engagement is off now and she is deeply hurt and devastated, I am also in pain wondering if I made a mistake or if I ever meet someone as incredible ever again. We are both 34 and I just want some peace and stability, please help as I'm very confused and have mixed feelings about it all.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Arundhati replied 5 years ago.

Thank you for writing in to Just Answer.

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.

I understand your conflict and from what you describe it sounds like you have been experiencing some ongoing resistance to being with her. Typically, when you start to have doubts about a relationship a part of you is telling you something. And that part shouldn't be ignored. On the surface a relationship might look great, and you might feel that you are making a mistake by ending it but if your gut reaction is that you're not happy, then you can't really ignore that.

It is understandable that your ex-fiance would feel hurt and devastated. Yet I think it is better than your continuing with the relationship even in spite of all these doubts. If you had followed through with the marriage it would have complicated matters even more as your unhappiness with the relationship was unlikely to disappear.

We cannot predict the future so I would encourage you to not harbor doubts about whether you will meet a person as wonderful as her. What is important is that your inner self was giving you a clear cut message that this isn't the right relationship for you and you heeded to it and confessed that to her. I think as next steps you need to let go of any guilt you are feeling and start to think positively of the future.

Your not being from the US could definitely have played a part in the way you felt in the relationship. If so, you need to honor that part of you that years to communicate in your native language and that misses your home, country and culture. Perhaps you'll feel more connected to a partner who is from a similar background?

If you're not in therapy currently, I would recommend that you consider it. Especially since you are dealing with complex feelings right now that need to be processed and addressed so that it doesn't spill into and affect other parts of your life. Here is a directory where you can search for therapists in your area.

I hope this was helpful.

Please let me know if you have any questions/thoughts.

Kind regards,

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