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Kristin, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 454
Experience:  Licensed Mental Health Counselor. 11+ years specialist in mental health. Expertise and insight!
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I have broken up with my abusive b-friend of 3yrs 2times and

Customer Question

I have broken up with my abusive b-friend of 3yrs 2times and have taken him back both times. He promises to change, but won't. How can I get him to break off with me?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kristin replied 5 years ago.

Hello and thank you for your question.


Can you tell me in what ways he is abusive to you? Meaning what does he do or say to you etc. that you feel is abusive. When you break up with him, why do you think you take him back? Also, do you live with him now or just dating him? What has he done so far to change, if anything at all?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hi Kristin,

He tends to blame things on me. He turns situations around to suit himself. We live together. I own the home. Our relationship was going well until he pulled the plug on us back in January. We have not been intimate since January, he didn't want to go on our March vacation, he totally shut down with me. He says there is no other woman. He started working constantly, 12-15hr days. When I tried to talk to him about the issues, he became mentally abusive. In the past Valentines day and my March B-day were big deals to him, however both days came and went. I broke things off with him twice. He says he will change, but will not. He now throws up in my face that I broke up with him, I have no rites and he's not accountable to me at all.....He says that I need to see what it's like without him! OMG! He talks about this is a punishment? I take him back because I sart to feel bad andd guilty. I thot if he broke up with me, and it was his idea, maybe it would stick. I'm miserable. I don't no where he is staying now.

Expert:  Kristin replied 5 years ago.

Okay thanks for the additional information. I'm glad to hear that he is not physically abusive or threatening to hurt you in that way. However, the mental abuse is of course damaging to you and does affect your self-esteem etc. He is not doing anything to change and it's immature emotionally to say that he is not accountable since you broke up with him. Obviously if he wants to be in a relationship with you, then you are both accountable and need to work on improving and making the relationship a priority.

Completely ignoring both Valentine's day and your birthday is XXXXX selfish and either he is intentionally wanting to hurt you, or is to self-absorbed to think of you. Either the way, the result is the same, in that you are miserable.

What I would recommend is that you ask him to move out. It's really hard to break up with someone, when they live with you. So, I would ask him to move out and then get some counseling and work on yourself, as to why you feel guilty and bad for being the one to break up. He may not be the one who "breaks up" but he is not there for you, when you are supposedly back together, so really what is the difference.

You really need to address where this guilt comes from when you stand up for yourself and break things off. Allowing him to come back, when he hasn't made any changes, only enables him to continue behaving the way he does, and so the cycle continues.

I would seek out some counseling for yourself and start working on this guilt issue. It probably goes deeper than just this current situation and current boyfriend. You know that you aren't happy like this and want someone who will treat you with respect and be a true partner, so don't allow those temporary feelings of guilt get you off track and continue this cycle. Keep the big picture in mind and stay focused on what you really want... Please click ACCEPT button for this answer. Feel free to continue the conversation even after clicking accept. Thank you.

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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hi Kristin....


Yes, I have made a contact to get counseling myself. My confidence and self-esteem are low at this point. I asked him to move out, however his things are still here, clothes, TV and a few things. He is renting out his T-home and I think he is trying to find a place to live.


If I detatch myself from him, could this get him to move on? He is a Control Freak and maybe he needs to make it his descision?

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank-You for advice...
Expert:  Kristin replied 5 years ago.
Yes, you really should detach yourself and most importantly be consistent in that detachment. He has learned that you will give in and let him come back, so you need to stay consistent. best wishes...