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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5430
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I have been married to my husabnd for 5 years. For the past five years he has been emtiona

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I have been married to my husabnd for 5 years. For the past five years he has been emtionally distant and never comunicated with me, put me down whenever he could, and made me feel like crap. I fought with him for 5 years to get him to see that our marraige was falling apart. He refused therapy and so on. He would ignore me and our daughter, and was always angry. Yelled about everything and I just wasn't happy. I got a job and started to paly basketball for a local team, and I was happy. I made friends, I was making money, I was happy. He hated it and whenever I would come home he would find something to complain about, but I mainly felt like he was mad because I wasn't home to cook for him, clean for him, and do everything for him. I finally made a serious threat to leave him, and he didn't get it. He still kept his old ways. We got into a serious fight where I admited to him that I love him but I'm not in love with him and I don't know what to do anymore. Lately he has been saying al
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like your husband is not willing to put the work into the marriage. You have tried and he is refusing to help. Yet he does not want you to go your own way and try to make a life for yourself and your daughter.

 

He is making this difficult because he wants to have you miserable and at his beck and call. Instead of creating an atmosphere that would help you want to be with him, he is verbally abusive and in turn makes it hard to be with him. It does not seem like he is in the marriage for both of you, but maybe just for himself. Or, it could be that he is having issues of his own and is unwilling or unable to deal with them so he is putting them on you and making you the problem instead.

 

Before you decide whether or not to end your marriage, consider seeing a therapist. If you can, get him to go with you. But if he won't go, go without him. You need support right now on either how to approach this problem or with the decision to stay or leave.

 

You can also work on this problem yourself. Here are some resources to get you started:

 

Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage by Lee Raffel

 

How to Know If It's Time to Go: A 10-Step Reality Test for Your Marriage by Dr. Lawrence Birnbach and Dr. Beverly Hyman

 

The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?: A Woman's Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go by XXXXX XXXXX

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.


I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for your response, but it didn't get al the information. Lately he has been saying everything right like he did before. How he loves me, needs me, so on and so on, But I'm having a hard time opening back up to him. I don't know if I can ever feel the same for him, trust him. Does he really mean the words he is saying? or is it just like everytime before>

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

It is hard to tell. He may have noticed that you are making an effort to go it alone and talking about separating from him. Some part of all that may have gotten his attention and he is trying to make amends. But he could also feel that if he is nice to you, you will stop what you are doing and come back to the way it was before in your marriage.

 

If he is an abusive type of person, then this would follow a pattern of wooing you back then returning to the old behavior. But if it seems like he has insight into how he was and he is willing to work on improving his behavior, then he may be serious about the marriage.

 

It still is a good idea to try therapy, especially now that he is open to trying to change things. Talking this out with a neutral person and getting to the root of why this has happened will help it from happening again.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5430
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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