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Luann
Luann, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 158
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist, 24 years experience working with children, adolescents, families and adults.
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My wife has just told me this morning that she doesnt love

Resolved Question:

My wife has just told me this morning that she doesn't love me like a wife should a husband. She is not interested in marriage counselling. I have 2 children of 2 and 4 years old - I love them with all my heart and can not think of my life without them. I also still love my wife alot. Is there anyway I can salvage our marriage?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Luann replied 3 years ago.

Luann :

Hello

Luann :

I am sorry to hear about your relationship difficulties. Your wife says she doesn't love you like a wife should but does she want the marriage to work or not? Love is something that changes and evolves over time.

Customer:

It seems not. I feel its a hopeless situation.

Luann :

Unfortunately, you can not make her participate in marriage counseling. You can not save the marriage. You can only take care of your half of the relationship.

Customer:

Is there any way to persuade her?

Luann :

You can only ask and state that you would like her to go to counseling with you. To force the issue or try to manipulate her to go would be counter productive. I encourage you to get into individual counseling so you can be your best during this difficult time. Focus on you, not her. Maybe by your example she will see the benefits of counseling.

Customer:

How do I do this?

Luann :

How do you get into counseling? Ask people you know for a recommendation. Ask your doctor. Do an on-line search of counselors, therapists, psychologists in your area.

Customer:

We been married for 8 years. I have done things that it seems has inflicted permanent damage on our relationship. About a month ago we had the same problem. I promised to change, and I have been trying really hard - now this? I dont now if there is any hope? You've probably heard a lot of sad stories, but I really need your view of things.

Luann :

Taking a step back or detaching from a problem or someone you love can be very difficult. You need to stop trying to control the situation and focus on you. You said you have been trying to change, what have you been doing to change? Change takes action. Show her the changes, don't just talk about what you are doing because words become meaningless after awhile. Make an appointment with a therapist. Show her the changes you are making.

Luann :

Have you watched the movie "Fireproof?" It is a good movie about marriage and relationship issues. It has a strong christian base, which is not for everyone, but it's message is a good one.

Customer:

I used to play club darts (sports) on Wednesday. I used to get home late. I also own a accounting practice which takes up a lot of time. I've stopped playing darts & rescheduled my working hours to be at home more. I spend more time with my children as well.

Customer:

The other problem was that I used to have a drinking problem and then said things that weren't appropriate.

Luann :

That is great, good changes to make to show her that she and the family are important. Now ask her to wait 6 months before making a decision about your marriage. Keep making positive changes in yourself. Get the help you need to keep making changes. In 6 months sit down with a therapist or your pastor or some neutral person to evaluate where things are at.

Customer:

Also I got myself into a position where a lady collegue tried to "make out" with me at a work party about 4 years back. I told her about this straight away, but it seems she cannot move past this.

Customer:

Do you think that I should move out of our home for 6 months?

Luann :

It is important to be honest and I commend you for this. Now you need to focus on the present. If she brings up the past, acknowledge her pain but refocus on the here and now. Moving out is an individual decision. For some couples it is helpful, for others it is not a good solution. You and your wife need to discuss this and decide what is best for the two of you. Even living in the same house you can agree on some "separation" guidelines which may give her the space she needs.

Customer:

I know you say that I need individual counselling, but she says she doesnt love me any more. I am trying to hang on. Seems these changes Ive been making is not working.

Customer:

Separation guidelines?

Customer:

If my wife does not want counselling, she does not love me like a wife should and does not feel that the marriage is worth saving - its pretty desperate for me to think I can salvage anything,

Customer:

?

Luann :

Give it time. Ask her to give your relationship some time. There is no hurry to make a decision. By separation guidelines could mean, time you spend together, parenting time, finances, that kind of thing. Some agreements about how you interact and divide up household responsibilites for the next 6 months.

Customer:

What will be different from our marriage with these seperation guidelines, If I still stay at home? I need to persaude her!

Luann :

You need to persuade her through your behavior and actions. By what you are willing to do. Get into therapy to help you focus on this and to stay focused on this. If she feels you are pressuring her, you will push her away. I threw out separation guidelines because you asked about moving out/separating. I assumed she maybe asked you to do this. If it has not been brought up, I recommend that you do not bring it up. Focus on you and becoming a better man and a better husband.

Customer:

What to do now? Should I go home later? Should I talk to her about the problem, If yes what do I say? Should I sleep in a seperate room?

Luann :

Yes, you should go home. Yes, you should talk about your relationship. You need to decide the more specific details with your wife. Talk together about the next 6 months. Be proactive, make a plan.

Luann :

Did your wife ask you to leave? Ask you not to come back?

Customer:

We had a wonderful Easter weekend. We had friends over, we ent dancing, kissed on the dance floor, had sex Saturday night etc. When I asked her this morning if this meant nothing she said that she was just testing herself to see if she still felt anything for me. This was very hurtful. I held my children and cried in front of her (i cannot imagine another man raising them / me being seperated from them). After this I left my home and came to work. This was the last I saw them. I am not sure whether these actions meant "dont come home tonite"

Customer:

We didnt even fight this weekend - this is something she has thought through beforehand

Luann :

I would not assume that. You seem to be jumping to conclusions. Change takes time. Ask her to give your marriage 6 months (or a year). Mark the date on the calendar then don't talk about it after that. When the time is up, sit down and discuss together where things are at. Many couples over talk, over analyze "the problem". Talking about it every day or once a week will probably just lead to a fight and/or drive you both crazy. Give it a rest. Like I have said over and over, focus on you, on being a good man and a good husband.

Customer:

You are a woman. Is there anywat she can love me again?

Luann :

Yes, of course. Love evolves and changes in a relationship. It is fluid and open to change. Don't give up hope but stay motivated to work on yourself.

Customer:

Luann, thank you for the help. I will try to talk to her tonite, maybe even watch Fireproof again. Please pray for us.

Luann :

I will. Good luck to you

Luann, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 158
Experience: Licensed Psychologist, 24 years experience working with children, adolescents, families and adults.
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Luann
Luann
Licensed Professional Counselor
158 Satisfied Customers
Licensed Psychologist, 24 years experience working with children, adolescents, families and adults.