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Ask Anna Your Own Question
Anna
Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
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boyfriend

Resolved Question:

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months. He is very nice and charismatic and everyone that knows me loves him and loves that i am dating him. He treats me like a princess and has never threatened me or put me in danger however he has a horrible temper and will often blow up at things that are minor. He has a somewhat destructive personality and has done things such as punch holes in walls, drive dangerously, drink excessivly, break things, injure himself, and even hold a gun to his own head when he gets angry (these can be things as small as me asking him to stop drinking, or crying after sex). I really love and he honest to god means the world to me i would do anything to help him or make this work. In every other aspect we are increadibly similar, and 99% of the time things are woderful however this dark side scares me and while i love him to death, i really want to know what to do to calm him down.. or if this is even normal? He's 21. im 18.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Anna replied 5 years ago.

Anna :

Hello & Welcome to Just Answers.

Anna :

Are you asking if your response to him is normal or his behavior?

Customer:

his behavior.

Customer:

im worried that its not healthy to be in a relationship with him if i can't help him but i definatly want to help him if at all possible

Anna :

It isn't normal in any circumstance, and quite frankly it's very disturbing.

Anna :

You sound like it would be extremely difficult for you to separate from him, but I can also tell that you're very worried about what his behavior means

Anna :

You've described some serious stuff, and those are the kinds of things that take a strong desire to change coupled with a trained helper

Customer:

yeah. i recently have had a mother walk out of my life and have a dad that is not usually around. i have become increasingly relient on him for stabiliry.. but he has been through alot too and has lost his mother fairly recently so he is dealing with alot

Customer:

i definatly care about him and want to help him i just don't want to get drug down by his behavior by doing so

Anna :

You would do better to talk to someone about what is going on with you, because you can VERY easily get drug down by this guy. I've seen it happen sooooo many times.

Anna :

A sensitive, vulnerable girl connects to his inner vulnerability and the love bug bites. But you need support yourself, and he does also...you won't be the one to give it to him.

Customer:

so should i leave the situation alone or try and give him distance to see if his temper gets better

Anna :

Listen to your gut.....your instincts are on target. Don't let your natural warning signs go unanswered.

Anna :

My opinion and my experience says that he won't get better unless he gets serious help.

Anna :

Those are very serious and disturbing problems.

Customer:

yeah i agree. i am very happy in the relationship i just worry that with a more severe problem his anger would be even worse. i don't believe he would ever hurt me but he definatly seems determined to harm himself when he is extreamly upset

Anna :

You're 18 and are grieving losses yourself. His anger will get worse, and it seems like he doesn't have the coping skills to handle the level of stress right now. Being scared of someone hurting themself is like being a hostage...no fun.

Customer:

he seems unhappy with alot of things going on in him life. mostly because he feels alone, since he doesnt have any family and he is having trouble finding what he wants to do with himself in life. he says the relationship with me has been the happiest part of his life and before me he was cosidering killing himself. i don't understand because he is such a tallented and nice person with so many things going for him. i don't like worrying about him. he really has gotten me through alot. i don't feel ready to be out of the relationship

Customer:

im just kind of lost with alot. i feel dependent on him, yet weighed down by worrying. and not sure what my next step should be to improve my situation

Anna :

I understand. Keep your eyes open and in touch with your gut feelings. You can't have a relationship with someone's potential..you have to engage with the person he is right now. I think your best next step is to get some counseling for yourself, or find someone and share the truth about what is going on in your head. It's normal to feel connected to anyone you've shared a tragedy with. Focus on yourself, and you'll feel stronger.

Anna :

I hope that I've been able to help you and answer your question today. Take care and stay safe!

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