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Anna
Anna, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1945
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 29 years in addictions and mental health.
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I have a 22 year old daughter who I have raised alone since

Resolved Question:

I have a 22 year old daughter who I have raise alone since she was born. I saved up for a tuition program in our state that pays for total tuition for any 4 year school in MI, but I am making her pay for her own living expenses. Which I am very proud of her for working it out. She is getting good grades and she even had a 2 year scholarship for pitching, which she has now turned into a business by teaching local girls for $30.00 an hour. Everybody just LOVES her! The problem is she hates me. It started at Christmas time when she wanted to purchase a couch and needed my vehicle to deliver it in. She told me she had the money for it, but "could I put it on my Visa and we could get the money out later". Well later has never come and I am insistent that she pay me the money. She has money to go on spring breaks, but I told her I would take $50 a month, but no word from her. The last conversation we had was that I was the worst mother in the world. I know she is terribly spoiled, SOS.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Anna replied 5 years ago.

Anna :

Hello & Welcome to Just Answers.

Anna :

As I was reading your note, I was surprised at the turn it took. It sounds like you've had a great working relationship with her for some time, and then it just blew up. Is there something else to the story?

Anna :

Why would she hate you after 22 years?

Customer:

I truly think it is the fact that I am making her pay for this couch thing. There is one other dynamic you should know. when I was pregnant, I had a friend named Chris, who was going through a divorce. (I was a coach of his men"s vollleyball team) his wife left him with a new house payment and my room mate just moved in with her boyfriend. So I moved in with him and stayed until my daughter was almost one and I purchased a mobile home for us. Well by this time, he had bonded with her and really loved her. when he moved to Chicago with his girlfriend, he would come back on weekends to see my daughter, so he has always been the "father figure" in her life. But unfortunately he and I are like oil and water. He thinks its OK if she smokes Marijuana once in a while to go to sleep and I am strongly against this. The three of us get together and the two of them attack me on the subject. Whenever Keeley (my daughter) needs extra money, she runs to him, he has taken her to Hawaii etc. These are places I could never afford. So I don't know what he is telling her of how much influence he is on this. I am in a total quandary. Keeley and I were supposed to coach a softball team this summer and without telling me, I heard that she already started practicing. It broke my heart. What do you think? I am now retired without ANY extra money to hand over to her. I feel I have just been a money machine to her my entire life.

Anna :

I'm sorry that you're in that situation. I agree that the triangle has a negative effect, but also see that there isn't much you can do about it right now.

Anna :

It isn't the best solution, but perhaps you should let the couch money go and never get into that situation again. Consider it a lesson learned. Better to have a relationship with her without the money involved.

Anna :

I don't think you'll win, and I do think he'll support her defiance.

Customer:

Would you do anything about the pot smoking?

Anna :

What I also suggest is that you work very hard on avoiding any fights that involve the 3 of you......because they seem to work well together at ganging up on you. I say that your energy would be better spent keeping your money and opinions to yourself. At 22, she needs to feel the consequences of her actions....but not from you. ......

Anna :

I don't agree with the pot smoking, but I know that no one can keep a 22 year old girl from smoking pot.

Anna :

It's a lost argument. I would state your opinion once and then assume she understands English. I think you'll find that if you step back some, she'll work harder at engaging you.......

Anna :

and then you can have a better chance at shaping her behavior towards you by only responding to positive interactions.

Anna :

Make sense?

Customer:

its hard, but I will try - thanks. I know you are right. I WISH I COULD AFFORD A NEW COUCH :)

Customer:

Thanks you really helped!

Anna :

You're welcome, and I want a new couch too!!! It's very hard to do, but do it one day at a time

Anna :

Take care!

Customer:

So now I j

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