Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.
I am sorry for the loss of your baby.
It is very normal for someone who has had such a loss to vary in how they feel, sometimes minute by minute. Each person handles loss differently, most of it depending on their background, level of supports, and personality.
You have got a lot of stressors going on right now. You are grieving your child and you are trying to help your partner. However, it is important that you focus on yourself first so you can help your partner. I know that sounds selfish, but if you have your feelings mixed up in his feelings, it is hard to help each other.
Have you considered counseling? It would help you to work through your grief. Talk to your doctor for a referral or if you attend church, your pastor can help. Or you can search on line at http://www.goodtherapy.com.au/find_a_therapist.php.
Also, consider self help. You can do many things to help yourself heal. One of them is educate yourself on grief and share your grief with others via support groups, either on line or in person. Here are some resources to help you:
Here are some books to help:
I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery by Ellen M. DuBois and Dr. Linda R. Backman Ed.D
Empty Arms: Hope and Support for Those Who Have Suffered a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Tubal Pregnancy by Pam W. Vredevelt
You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.
It may very well be that your partner is handling his grief by expressing a wide range of emotions. Anger, sadness, even laughing are all acceptable ways people grieve. You can ask him to attend therapy in his area so he can be helped as well. But if he refuses, share some of the resources here with him and offer him a chance to talk anytime. He may not have the ability to help you at this point as well, but it helps to let him know you are hurting as well. By doing that, you may be able to connect with him.
If you feel that at any time your partner is thinking about hurting himself, contact the ER for assistance.
I hope this has helped you,Kate
I haven't heard from you. Did you have more questions or want clarification?
I can understand your need to see his perspective on this and help him deal with how he feels. The problem here is that he is not sharing it with you and so you are left in the dark wondering why he is acting the way he is.
It may be that he has withdrawn because it is how he is dealing with his pain. Unless he chooses to share, it is going to be difficult to understand why he is refusing to talk about your son. But keep in mind that right now, that is how he is dealing with the loss. That doesn't mean he won't open up in the future and accept that your son was real. For him, the loss may have been too painful to fully acknowledge it. You have the ability to accept your son existed because he was with you. Your partner did not have the same experience. So you both are handling this loss in different ways because of the circumstances. You are talking about it and sharing with others, he is withdrawn. And although you feel talking helps he does not, at least right now.
The only thing you really can do is be there for him. If he feels he wants to share, he will. And most likely at some point in the future, he will choose to do so. But until then, give him time. He needs to grieve in his own way.