When is it time to say enough is enough?
How do you keep on living the same miserable life day in and day out, taking your loved ones down with you?
When does the chaos that is your house, your life, your mind end?
How do you come to terms with the fact that you are a terrible person, unable to complete the simplest task and constantly letting down everyone, especially you?
Why is it that you just can't find anything that can interest you, that makes you full?
What does it take?
You have a wonderful husband, a lovely child, a beautiful home, a new career and still that's just not good enough.
You feel that you never really engaged your life, you were never really passionate about anything, you may have had a few moments filled with passion and love and wanting to make yourself better, but they're long gone.
How is it possible that you may have everything you once thought you wanted and realize they just don't move you?
Your beautiful house is a mess and you are ashamed of it.
You lovely child seems like the stone in your path and you just don't want to be around him anymore.
Your wonderful husband does everything humanly possible to help you overcome all your issues and all you do is push him aside, to remain in this terrible place you just can't escape.
What do you have to do?
Leave your husband and child, finally ridden them of the misery you've brought them always?
You move countries?
You wait for a miracle or some kind of sign or event that is going to make you open your eyes and love and want the things you have?
What does it take?
Do you have to have a complicated disease, a car accident, a personal loss?
Most people say the first step is to acknowledge the problem.
Fine, here is my problem I am a heartless bitch who just isn't bodered anymore.
Happy pills for the rest of my life?
What if I truly don't want to depend on that to be happy?
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why is it that nothing moves me, not even my husband and child?
What am I supposed to do?
Is it possible that I am in fact a depressed person or is it that there really is something wrong with my wiring?
What do I do if I am just not like everyone or even me expects me to be?
Accept that I am not a person who belongs in society and commit myself to a psychiatric institution?
Would that solve my problem?
I think that would hurt everyone I love, more than I could handle, but at the same time for how long can I drag my husband and son?
I love my husband and every bad day I have I ask myself why he is still with me, he could be better off with another woman if he wanted to.
What should I do?
Explain that I love him but he is too wonderful for me and deserves a much better life than to be stuck with me?
I am afraid of doing that as I know he is the only man that could ever accept all my shit, so I drag him along in to my nothingness for fear of ending up completely alone.
Why is it that all the times I thought of leaving him for his own good, I never once thought of taking my child with me?
I really think I am damaged goods and that he would be better off without me in his life, and I wouldn't know how to handle him, as I don't know now.
I am a terrible mother, a horrible wife and a disgrace as a woman.
So, what should I do next when all the solutions that pop in my head seem far too ridiculous to put to action or more hurting to everyone than helping?
Am I afraid of being institutionalized?
No, I am ashamed.
My parents did
the best they possibly could with me and all my brothers and sisters.
I never had any kind of trauma in my life that many other people suffer and recover from.
My childhood was as good as it gets, I wasn't a spoiled little brat, but I wasn't poor either.
The only real problem I always had to fight and deal with is my weight problem.
I understand that self respect is one of the key problems here as ever since I was little the only thing I could do to face my problems was to ignore they were there and pretend I was someone else.
That went on for a while, even after I was married and pregnant.
When I was in my teens was when it was worse I guess. I used to watch this cartoon about how normal school girls where actually warriors fighting evil and I would always pretend I was the central character, the most important of them all and had the perfect man that was the love of her life and they were destined to be together.
As I grew alder, I stopped fantasising about that but began fantasising about real people in my life.
I would pretend the boy that liked me would talk to me or even kiss me. I had loads of possible conversations and outcomes of different situations in my mind that never came to be.
Finally I got married and had a child and didn't have enough time to fantasise anymore.
Only when I hear music and sing do I fantasise that I am in a stage, singing to an audience.
The audience changes from time to time but mostly the characters are always the same.
My husband, child and friends, or my husband, child and relatives... or I am singing privately to a past love that never was.
What does that even mean?
I hate myself and everything I’ve become so much I much rather be pretending I am doing something else with my life or being part of another plot, I guess that’s the reason I can’t stop watching the stupid TV.
Have I thought about killing myself?
Of course I have, several times during my short 26 years, but thankfully never had the guts to do it.
Still I can’t help myself from thinking that the world would be exactly the same without me, not worse or better just the same as I have not contributed in anything so far.
I am terrified of what everyone else would think and how much I would disappoint my family if I get committed.
And also I want to better myself for my husband and my son, but mostly for the fear that when I finally meet God he will tell me what I already know, that I haven’t lived my life to the fullest and that I don’t deserve to be in heaven, not because I did something wrong but because I didn’t do anything with the life he gave me, and then I would be sentenced to an eternity of nothing.
So I know I need help.
Please help me, what should I do?