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Arundhati
Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 256
Experience:  Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
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When is it time to say enough is enough How do you keep on

Resolved Question:

When is it time to say enough is enough?
How do you keep on living the same miserable life day in and day out, taking your loved ones down with you?
When does the chaos that is your house, your life, your mind end?
How do you come to terms with the fact that you are a terrible person, unable to complete the simplest task and constantly letting down everyone, especially you?
Why is it that you just can't find anything that can interest you, that makes you full?
What does it take?
You have a wonderful husband, a lovely child, a beautiful home, a new career and still that's just not good enough.
You feel that you never really engaged your life, you were never really passionate about anything, you may have had a few moments filled with passion and love and wanting to make yourself better, but they're long gone.
How is it possible that you may have everything you once thought you wanted and realize they just don't move you?
Your beautiful house is a mess and you are ashamed of it.
You lovely child seems like the stone in your path and you just don't want to be around him anymore.
Your wonderful husband does everything humanly possible to help you overcome all your issues and all you do is push him aside, to remain in this terrible place you just can't escape.
What do you have to do?
Leave your husband and child, finally ridden them of the misery you've brought them always?
You move countries?
You wait for a miracle or some kind of sign or event that is going to make you open your eyes and love and want the things you have?
What does it take?
Do you have to have a complicated disease, a car accident, a personal loss?
What?

Most people say the first step is to acknowledge the problem.
Fine, here is my problem I am a heartless bitch who just isn't bodered anymore.
Now what?
Happy pills for the rest of my life?
What if I truly don't want to depend on that to be happy?
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why is it that nothing moves me, not even my husband and child?

What am I supposed to do?
Is it possible that I am in fact a depressed person or is it that there really is something wrong with my wiring?

What do I do if I am just not like everyone or even me expects me to be?
Then what?
Accept that I am not a person who belongs in society and commit myself to a psychiatric institution?
Would that solve my problem?
I think that would hurt everyone I love, more than I could handle, but at the same time for how long can I drag my husband and son?
I love my husband and every bad day I have I ask myself why he is still with me, he could be better off with another woman if he wanted to.
What should I do?
Explain that I love him but he is too wonderful for me and deserves a much better life than to be stuck with me?
I am afraid of doing that as I know he is the only man that could ever accept all my shit, so I drag him along in to my nothingness for fear of ending up completely alone.

Why is it that all the times I thought of leaving him for his own good, I never once thought of taking my child with me?
I really think I am damaged goods and that he would be better off without me in his life, and I wouldn't know how to handle him, as I don't know now.

I am a terrible mother, a horrible wife and a disgrace as a woman.

So, what should I do next when all the solutions that pop in my head seem far too ridiculous to put to action or more hurting to everyone than helping?

Am I afraid of being institutionalized?
No, I am ashamed.
My parents did the best they possibly could with me and all my brothers and sisters.
I never had any kind of trauma in my life that many other people suffer and recover from.
My childhood was as good as it gets, I wasn't a spoiled little brat, but I wasn't poor either.

The only real problem I always had to fight and deal with is my weight problem.
I understand that self respect is one of the key problems here as ever since I was little the only thing I could do to face my problems was to ignore they were there and pretend I was someone else.
That went on for a while, even after I was married and pregnant.
When I was in my teens was when it was worse I guess. I used to watch this cartoon about how normal school girls where actually warriors fighting evil and I would always pretend I was the central character, the most important of them all and had the perfect man that was the love of her life and they were destined to be together.
As I grew alder, I stopped fantasising about that but began fantasising about real people in my life.
I would pretend the boy that liked me would talk to me or even kiss me. I had loads of possible conversations and outcomes of different situations in my mind that never came to be.
Finally I got married and had a child and didn't have enough time to fantasise anymore.

Only when I hear music and sing do I fantasise that I am in a stage, singing to an audience.
The audience changes from time to time but mostly the characters are always the same.

My husband, child and friends, or my husband, child and relatives... or I am singing privately to a past love that never was.
What does that even mean?

I hate myself and everything I’ve become so much I much rather be pretending I am doing something else with my life or being part of another plot, I guess that’s the reason I can’t stop watching the stupid TV.

Have I thought about killing myself?
Of course I have, several times during my short 26 years, but thankfully never had the guts to do it.
Still I can’t help myself from thinking that the world would be exactly the same without me, not worse or better just the same as I have not contributed in anything so far.

I am terrified of what everyone else would think and how much I would disappoint my family if I get committed.
And also I want to better myself for my husband and my son, but mostly for the fear that when I finally meet God he will tell me what I already know, that I haven’t lived my life to the fullest and that I don’t deserve to be in heaven, not because I did something wrong but because I didn’t do anything with the life he gave me, and then I would be sentenced to an eternity of nothing.

So I know I need help.

Please help me, what should I do?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Arundhati replied 3 years ago.
Hello,

Thank you for writing in to Just Answer and for your detailed post.

From what you describe it sounds like you suffer from lack of motivation most of the time and feel depressed. It also sounds like you experience racing thoughts or at the least excessive thoughts (fantasizing, imagining scenarios, going over possible conversations etc. in your mind). This need to think constantly can often be due to an underlying anxiety.

The challenge you faced with your weight growing up could have led to self-esteem issues and subsequently the formation of self-limiting beliefs that keep you from truly living the life you want.

I'd like to be honest and say that there are no quick solutions to your problem. But I do believe that if you have a strong desire to start making positive changes you certainly will be able to.

I'd like to recommend a few things to help you get started:

1) Use the technique of self-affirmation: on a piece of paper write down all the changes you'd like to see in your life and start visualizing those and saying it out loud to yourself from the list. This technique helps to replace the negative self-beliefs with more positive one so that you start to see changes in your life

2) Work on developing a supportive group of friends. This might be difficult since you are a mother to young children but a good place to start might be the local community club if it exists, or a meetup group (meetup.com) that matches your interest like book reading or young mothers group etc.

3) Get in touch with a therapist for on-going therapy. I would especially recommend cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT can help you uncover what underlying beliefs might be holding you back from being your best. It can also provide you with tools and techniques to improve your self-esteem, self-confidence and to help you understand your needs better. A therapist will also be able to determine if completing a psychiatric assessment to check for depression, anxiety etc. is the recommended next step

These three can be good starting points for you as to start to make major changes in your life.

Again, please don't be disheartened by where you are in your life right now. I think the fact that you're looking to make changes is half the battle won and with some determination and dedication you can certainly make major positive changes.

I wish you the very best and would very much appreciate if you click on the "Accept" button since experts are not credited for their time or service otherwise.

Please feel free to continue the conversation even after you click on "Accept"

Kind regards,

Arundhati
Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 256
Experience: Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
Arundhati and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Do you think I am a horrible person?
Is it possible to be depressed your entire life?
Will I need to be committed in a psychiatric?
Expert:  Arundhati replied 3 years ago.
Hello,

I absolutely do not think you are horrible. I think you have shown great strength in writing about yourself and seeking help. Like I said, that's half the battle won. Almost each one of us struggles with personal issues, challenges, fears and difficulties and you are not alone. Your problems are very understandable and with some professional guidance I think you can create a lot of change.

It is unfortunately possible to be depressed for long periods of our life. But now with better medicines available, and more advances in talk therapy many people who've been chronically feeling depressed have found improvements. You can too! I'd encourage you to give it a try and consult with a therapist.

I do not think you need to be committed to a psychiatric inpatient unit if that is your question. That is only for those experiencing severe symptoms (psychosis, delusion etc.) and who become a danger to themselves and/or others. In your case, outpatient therapist consultation will be a good first step.

I hope this answers your questions.

Kind regards,

Arundhati
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you very much for your time, your answer was better than expected and has helped me in taking the first steps towards recovery.
I am going to start by asking my doctor to start again the fluoxetine which helps me a lot and will start a self help route reading the book Overcoming depression by by Prof Paul Gilbert as I have just started a new job and don't have enough money to do therapy.
But I promise that when the book is not enough anymore, I will make sure I have the money to go to a therapist like you recommend.

Thanks again.
Expert:  Arundhati replied 3 years ago.
Thank you so much for your kind words.

It's wonderful to know that you're going to take those two steps towards feeling better. Just that will to try new things towards making change is a very powerful first step. I have no doubt you will start to feel better soon.

Please feel free to get in touch with me in the future if you have more questions.

Kind regards,

Arundhati

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