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TherapistMarryAnn
TherapistMarryAnn, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5770
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My grand son has become very hostile towards me because

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My grand son has become very hostile towards me because i voice my opinion at my home his mother would like him to go to Holy Cross college because he receive a full scolar ship ther he was accepted into wharton school at UP georgetown boston college colgate cornell university of virginia north western I dis agrred with his mom only because i know he is very bright and should find a fit for him I sugessted georgetown however we did go to wharton and the school is great he fels he wnts a ivy league he has not gone to cornell and was rejected from yale his first choice he is on a wait list for harvard ,his mom is trying to alienate him from me i have practically raised him he told me he was upset because when he called to tell me about wharton I didnt see too happy all i said are you going to visit georgetown and now his mother comes up with this idea of holly cross so she doesn;t have to paymy husband and i have given her $300000.00 towards his education and he received$20000.00 from Wharto and 8000.00 from georgetown i don't understad the problem i realize how much it meant for him for me to accept wharto as his first choice since yale rejected him he wants a ivy but me his life being happy at a school like georgetown or university of virginia is much mor attractive to me since his mother worked for 17teen years and i took over her responsibility now that reality has set i she is manipulating him he always wanted her acceptance im not a pyscologist there fore I need advice I am heart broken how my grand son turned on me


thank you


Jean XXXX

Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistMarryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Hi Jean, I would like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like this situation has become a power struggle between you and your grandson's mother.

 

It is common for very involved grandparents to want to have more say so in their grandchildren's lives. After all, you did act as a parent to him all of these years and helped his mother with raising him. It is natural to feel you should have more input in his future as well. And considering you are paying for a lot of the education, it is nice to be able to direct how your money is spent.

 

But the main issue with feeling that way is that ultimately, your grandson is his mother's child and not yours. Your grandson's loyalty will always be with his parents first. That is natural and a very common reaction with children. Your grandson may see you almost as a second mom, but his mother comes first.

 

Because of your grandson's feelings about his mother, when he was put in the situation of having to choose between you and his mother, he chose his mother. Having to make that kind of choice most likely bothered him to the point he felts upset and angry. When his mother suggests you are at fault for the situation, your grandson naturally takes his anger out on you. He is too young to understand parenting and how hard it can be to invest yourself in a child and feel you want the best for them. He will get a clearer picture once he has children of his own.

 

In the meanwhile, you can fix this by letting him make the choice he wants to without telling him how you feel. Although you do know better, he has to make his own choices and mistakes. Let him. The important part of all this is not so much what school he goes to but how your relationship with him stays healthy and close. Long after he is out of college, he will still have you in his life. You want him to feel close to you and share his life with you. Back off, tell him you are sorry and that you only want the best for him. Then support him (and his mother) in the choice they make. Do your best to keep your opinion to yourself, unless you are asked. Even if you do not get along with your grandson's mother, you can still have a good relationship with him.

 

I hope this helps you,
Kate

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