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Kristin
Kristin, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience:  Licensed Mental Health Counselor. 11+ years specialist in mental health. Expertise and insight!
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MY WIFE HAS LOST OVER 100LBS OF WEIGHT AND IS FELLING DIFFERENT

Customer Question

MY WIFE HAS LOST OVER 100LBS OF WEIGHT AND IS FELLING DIFFERENT SHE IS KNOW 37YEARS OLD AND WANTS TO START GOING OUT BUT IS CONFUSED ABOUT HER SELF. I HAVE NOT BEEN A VERY UNDERSTANDING HUSBAN IN THE PAST. BUT I HAVE STARTED TO CHANGE AND SHARE MY FEELINGS WITH HER AND WE TALK ALOT MORE. I NEED HELP TO UNDER STAND WHATS GOING ON WITH HER. SHE HAD ALOT OF PROBLEMS WITH ABUSE WHEN SHE WAS A LITTLE GIRL AND HER MOTHER DIED WHEN SHE WAS YOUNG. SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THIS MORE NOW WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP SO THIS DOESNT HURT ARE MARRAGE
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Hello and thank you for your question.

 

Losing over 100lbs is definitely a life-changing event. Are you saying that with the weight loss, your wife is starting to also feel more emotions about her past and also about her marriage? Before she lost the weight, did she not have these kinds of emotions coming up? Also, is she complaining about the marriage and does she feel like you have not been a good husband or that you have anger issues? Please provide this info so I can better help you.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

She said that i would not tell her how cute she was and no shower her attention. when i look back i see that see is correct. i have alot of strees at work and about making sure all bills are paid and she can have everthing she want. i never talked to her about these problems so then i got buisy at home is was sarcastic to her. when we got into fights instaid of dealing with the problem i would teller her if you dont like it find someone else. I never ment this but is didnt know how to deal with the problem. im learning how to deal with the problem now and talking to her about these problems helps me releave the stress. but t feel i have done damage in are marrage. when she was over wieght i never critisized her about her wieght. but i also never told she was beutiful or cute. i just assumed she know i felt this way. i have made major changes in the way i talk to her now and i have started to do more around the house so she has more time to do what she wants to. I sold my hotrod truck so we could have money to do thangs together. my wife never had much self confidence i didnt help with this much now with her wieght loss she is so much more outgoing and more self confindent.

Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Okay, thank you for the additional information. Often, when someone loses such a drastic amount of weight, there are major changes that go along with that. Such as increase in self-esteem, wanting to go out more and be social, and also having the strength and/or confidence now to tackle emotional troubles (such as her abusive past). She is also now finding her voice and being able to say to you what she needs, etc. Along with this, she is also voicing some complaints or hurts from the past. That is normal in any relationship.

It sounds like you are being really attentive and responsive to her at this time. You have shown her in words and in ACTIONS most importantly that you love her, support her and are here for her. It sounds like you are doing really well in that area, and that once she informs you of her needs, that you are responsive. That is great and I'm sure she notices this as well. It does also sound like perhaps you are feeling less secure in the marriage overall, due to her change in appearance and behavior, and this is common as well. You both will shift due to her weight loss and all you can do is work at evolving together, not blame one another and simply listen and respond (as you are doing). The damage that you feel you may have created in the marriage, sounds like something that can be repaired. What you need to do is continue to support her and encourage her. Apologize for the past hurts you may have caused and move forward from here. Also, her therapy will be good for her and you may even want to join for a couple of sessions with her, if she would like that. Please click ACCEPT for this answer. And feel free to continue the discussion even after clicking accept. Thank you.

Kristin, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience: Licensed Mental Health Counselor. 11+ years specialist in mental health. Expertise and insight!
Kristin and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
i have spent many hours on the internet looking for way to help her and how to help my self. im sure that therapy will help her but im scared that the doctor will tell her to leave. im pretty sure my wife still loves me. We have note made love in over 2 weeks and we used to every day. my wife had surgery to loose the weight. After 1 year the band inside her had to be removed do to health resons. the doctor wnated removed the nexst day when she called me i got mad becasue it was going to cost so much. i have upset about the first surgy to loose weight. i dont beleave you should have surgy and put your body thru this to loose wieght. i see that my anger came out saying it was about the money but it was more about her putting her body thur another surgery. this is what sparked the problem with my wife. She says she sees a difference in me and is happy im working on dealing with my stress. I feel so bad for what i put her thru that in the last week i have only had about 10-15 hr sleep and have lost over 17lbs from not eating. i just want thangs to be fixed and i need to figure out how to help her thru this. she told me before that she felt the only time i wanted to spend time with her is when i wanted sex. She says she doesnt feel like having sex any more and i told her i under stood and i was ok with that. I told her we needed to not have sex any more and when we were ready we would start making love again like we did when we were younger. im very scaried about are relation ship. i have been with my wife for 15 years and in that time she see me cry 1 time when are pet died. in the past 2 weeks she has seen me cry over 20 times. i know i need to change for her but i also dont want her to fall out of love with the man she married. what can i do to help both of us thru this.
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

It sounds like you may be experiencing some symptoms of depression as you have lost weight, are crying alot, and are not sleeping. You need to go and see your doctor about this and see what he/she recommends. You may benefit from taking an antidepressant at this time along with some counseling, but do see if your doctor feels that would benefit you at this time.

As far as your wife's doctor telling her to leave you, that would not be very likely to tell your wife to make such a drastic step. That decision would need to come from your wife. And it sounds like she is not wanting to leave you, but simply improve on the marriage. You need to calm down, take some deep breaths and see your doctor about taking care of your self, while also working on the marriage. Please do make an appointment for yourself today.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

i beleave your right on me being depressed. i just want to be there and help my wife thru this and i cant see any way to help her right now and that scares me. i cant see my life with out her. She it the resone that i get up in the morning. i m trying to do everything i can to make her feel better when im with her i feel great when im not with her i start thinking about events in are life and wonder how i could have done thangs differently to make her feel better. i beleave took into concideration her past with abuse when i made desicions. When i look back i think i took her for granite. i treaded her like a friend that i could dump all my problems on (at times with angry voices). then i would just move on thinking nothing was wrong. instaed i sould have treaded he rlike my soulmate and talked with her throu these problems. is there any thang i can do to get her to open up to me. at times she says theres nothing wrong but i can tell there is. i dont want a lack of comunication to come between us i beleave this was a big problem before and i need to know how to correct this

Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

First of all, you must get yourself in a better place emotionally, so that you don't come across as fearful and clingy to her. So do see your doctor about your depression.

The past in the past and you cannot change it so please do stop beating yourself up about what you may have done wrong.

You can simply tell her that you are really glad she is taking better care of herself now, and that you are doing the same and will be seeing your doctor. Let her know that you are more than willing to hear her whenever she needs to talk or wants an ear or support. That you regret some of your behavior in the past and didn't know any better at the time. But that now, you are more than willing to address any issues and would even like to explore couples counseling with her at some point, to strengthen the marriage.

And be sure as you said you were doing to continue fun things as well. outings with other couples, date nights, fun surprises etc. Best wishes...

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thanks for your help. i will continue to work on this if i need more help i will get back with you.
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Thank you and best wishes...

 

If you need more help, just put TO Kristin in front of your next question and I will be the one to respond, if you would like to reach me directly.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
she left today to go stay with family I don't know what to do. I feel my world coming to an end. we both cried real hard when she left. we do both start marriage counseling next sunday. I don't know how to get through this without her or my daughter here.

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