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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi, I have a big problem and need help. Long story, will try to condense as much as possib

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Hi, I have a big problem and need help. Long story, will try to condense as much as possible. I met my ex boyfriend in 2006 when he got out of prison and was on parole. He was in jail for grand theft auto, sex offense, drugs, and drug sales, he really seemed like he was a changed man with how he talked to me and was sincere. I come from an upper middle class family, have been in college and graduated, and never been in trouble with the law. he and I had a volatile relationship. I later found out he was just using me for money, because i had a good amount of money, and he had not much at all. He told me he loved me, wanted to marry me, etc but he ended up cheating on me and hitting me several times. Our relationship ended in mid 2007 and he got with this new girl whom he got pregnant, and he moved to alabama with her and married her. He has 3 kids by 3 different mothers, well, did not hear from him for about 3 yrs. Then in summer of 2010, i contacted him on facebook , because in truth, I contacted him on facebook, because in truth, I never got over him, and had always kept the hope of still being with him. I found out his wife had gotten a restraining order against him for hitting her and had kicked him out and would not let him see his daughter they share together and was going to divorce him. I selfishly got very excited about this, because this was going to be my new chance to get back with him. He told me he had hardly no money and no job and wanted to move back to San Jose, ca, which is where he is originally from and where I live and met him in 2006. Well, I paid for his plane ticket to get here, I put him up in a motel for 2 weeks until he found a relative he could stay with,and I paid for everything he needed. He came back to San Jose, ca in mid oct 2010. He acted very grateful for all the help I was giving him and told me he wants to try to make a relationship work with me. Things were good for a couple of weeks, but then we started to argue very badly. Between Nov 2010 and Jan 2011, We had several physical and verbal arguements with me crying and him slapping me or calling me names and putting me down. The first time he hit me after returning to San Jose was end of Nov 2010, and the neighbors of his aunt (where he was staying ) called the cops and he went to jail for domestic violence. 2 days later, I paid $1500 and bailed him out, he said he was sorry, would never hit me again,, etc, etc etc. Then while he was out on bail, in Mid december, he hit me again, and put his hands around my neck for a few seconds trying to choke me, so I called the cops and I was scared and he went back to jail again. Finally in end of january he got released and as soon as he got out, he was furious with me and blaming me for putting him in jail and said even though he hit me, I should have never called the police. During the time he had been in jail, he had left his phone behind, so I found out he had been sleeping with two other women, and cheating on me, and whats worse, I found out he had been using the money I was giving him to help him to buy one of these women a gift and take her to dinner. I was furious and felt so betrayed by him. I confronted him about it and he denied everything, saying I was crazy (even though I had proof) I then made a very bad choice, I was so angry and wanted to get back at him, and I knew they had put him on probation for 3yrs for the domestic violence, so I called the police and told them he had hit me again (even though this time he had not) and he ended up going back to jail for a third time. He got released again at beginning of March, and when he got out, he yelled at me when I went to go pick him up, and says he wants nothing to do with me. He will not return any of my texts, messages, and whenever I call, he immidiately hangs up. I have been leaving him personal checks to help him out financially, I leave them in his mailbox, and he has cashed every one of the checks ( totaling about $850) but yet he says he wants nothing to do with me or anything from me. I am in so much pain I feel so guilty for lying and putting him in jail. I am severely depressed by all the guilt I feel and how much I miss him and want him back. I have wanted to be with this man for the last 5yrs. Now he wants nothing to do with me. It has gotten so bad that I do not eat, I cant get myself to leave the house for the last two weeks. I feel I am addicted and obsessed with him, and dont know how to live my life without him, and dont want to without him. I want nothing more than for him to get back together with me, but at the very least, I want him to forgive me for putting him in jail. The depression and despair I am feeling is getting worse by the day. So I desperately need your help. Please please tell me how can I get this man to at the very least forgive me and make peace with me? I feel that until or unless that happens, I am a bad person and cant function in daily life. How can I get him to take me back? I recently found out he has a new girlfriend who may be pregnant with his 4th child, and am extremely jealous. Please give me advice on how to get him to forgive me and take me back. Thank you so so much ( also, I am wondering, is it free to ask you follow up ?s or do i have to pay more with every follow up ? thanks again
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like this relationship has caused you a lot a pain. This man is physically, emotionally and financially abusive towards you. He has been in jail numerous times for various crimes and habitually has used you to commit more. He also cheats and is not responsible for his children. Going back to this man is going to cause you more harm than good. The cycle of abuse and pain will continue as long as you are with him.

 

The best options for you right now is to work on staying away from this relationship. To do that, it is important you find out why you have the desire to be with this man. I highly recommend you to to therapy. A therapist can help you find the reasons why you feel compelled to seek this man out and have a relationship with him. My guess would be that there is something lacking emotionally from your childhood that you are trying to fulfill. The therapist can help you find out what that is and give you healthy ways of resolving those feelings so you don't feel the need to seek out harmful relationships.

 

To find a therapist, talk with your doctor about a referral. Or you can search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

 

To address your feeling of needing forgiveness, consider talking to your pastor if you attend church. If not, the therapist can help you resolve this feeling. You can also write a letter (not to send, just for yourself) asking this man to forgive you. You could also contact him as well. But if you decide to do that, you may want to contact your attorney first to learn the consequences for bringing false charges against this man. Just so you are prepared in case you need legal counsel.

 

You also can help yourself work on the issues related to your relationship. Here are some resources:

 

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

 

Love Is a Choice: The Definitive Book on Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships by Dr. Robert Hemfelt, Dr. Frank Minirth and Paul Meier M.D.

 

The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It, Stopping It, Surviving It by Leslie Vernick

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

I hope this has helped you,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for your reply, however, I feel I did not get a couple of my ?s answered so here I have some follow up ?s and I would appreciate if you would answer them honestly and with detail please.<br/><br/>1) You did not really address my ? regarding my part in him going to jail. if you read the story, you will see that the last time he went to jail, he had not hit me, and I simply called the police and told them he did out of anger and vengence, which led to him going to jail again. So my ? is- am I a bad person for this? And how can I possibly get him to ever forgive me for lying to the police and forgiving me?<br/><br/>2) Based on the history I wrote you about this man, do you think it will work out with this new girl he probably has gotten pregant? Or do you think its not a long term thing just like none of his other relationships were really ever long term?<br/><br/>3) also, you say to contact him myself, if you read my story, you will see that I have tried many times and he refuses to speak with me or have anything to do with me. so what do you suggest?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

I understood what you asked originally when you talked about your feelings about falsely accusing your boyfriend of hitting you and having him sent to jail. Whether or not you are a bad person has more to do with how you feel about yourself than something a therapist needs to judge. If you feel you are bad for doing this, then you need to address how you feel. Talking to a therapist will help you cope with this feeling.

 

Getting him to forgive you is something he has to be willing to do. There is no technique or method to get someone else to cooperate with you unless they desire to do so. If he will not accept your messages, then there is no way to force him to forgive you. He either has to do this on his own or he will not. You can continue to try to contact him, but unless he is willing to respond, he is under no obligation to forgive you. Forgiving yourself and moving on would be a much better and healthier option.

 

Given his past behavior with you and other women, it is possible that he will leave his current relationship. But there is no way to tell for sure. Predicting someone's behavior is highly unreliable, especially since I do not know him. You will need to look at his past behavior and the fact that he probably hasn't changed in personality to see if you feel he will stay in the current relationship.

 

I still suggest you seek out counseling to work out your feelings about your relationship with this man. The relationship you had with him was dysfunctional and will only hurt you in the end, if you could get back together with him. Finding out the reason why you would want to be hurt in such a relationship is important so you do not have to go through this again.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you so much..... that helps a lot
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

You're welcome! I wish you the best.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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