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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5559
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My wife seems so very controling and I not dealing well with

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My wife seems so very controling and I not dealing well with it. She will not allow me to the mow the grass cause I do not do it up to her standard. She wanted a new car her car was 7 years old and only had 30,000 miles on it and I said we should keep it and not buy a new car since this one was paid for. She went out and purchased a new car anyway regardless of the fact her car was ok. She dosent work and contribute to the inocme of the family. I have to keep the kitchen clean 90% of the time. It is ok for her to spend money in any way she sees fit but she constantly on me about how I spend money. I have a hobby that is expensive, I did not praticiptat in it very much last year becaue of the cost to please her. She is mad at me because we have to pay the IRS a good bit of money because we are living on my retirement investments. I am tired of feeling like a second class person in this relationship and am so stressed out. I have even started talking with other women on the internet in order to get a little bit of positive feed back. I am so tired of a wife that treats me like this. She indeed sems to really love me but I am not sure. Neither of us is out seeing other people so this whole thing is totaly internal. She is on meds for depression a lot of meds. I have asked her to talk to her doctor about things and mabee diffrent meds but she has no clue how bad she treats me. My step kids tell me how do you do it how do you stay with her. It seems that the mode thing is very cyclic but lasts several months and we are in one of those cycles now. I do not know how to keep my wits about me. I have to fight the idea I am worthless and that I should end it during these times.
What is the best plan of action I should be seeking out ! We tried family counseler and as soon as the counseler directed anything towars her having to change she did not want to go back.

Help
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

So I can help answer your question the best way possible, I need a bit more information.

 

Does your wife also treat others the way she treats you? Has she been to a doctor to rule out any physical cause for her behavior? How long has your wife been acting this way?

 

Kate

 

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

She treats her Adult daughters very poor if they do not do as she wants them to do than she cuts them off or is very sharp with them.

 

This has been ongoing for year but is like a once or twice a thing that goes on for either a month or two.

 

She sees a pschytrist every 3 months to get he prozak and other meds refilled. But I am sure no indepth anything goes on with those visits just goes to get refills.

 

I have suggested that she tell the doctor the same things she tells me so that he can see what is going on. But she refuses to do anything about it.

 

I am also not allowed to talk about anything to anyone that goes on in the house. THe Only reason the adult kids know is one of them lived with us for 3 months and they told me this is the reson that she is divorced from her first husband.

 

I love her and want to figure out what to do ! But if I can not get something done I am about to lose it even knowing that it will change in another month !

 

I

 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for the additional information. It helps.

 

It sounds like you have done all you can to help your wife improve her behavior. She is basically attempting to control you by acting like a bully. And her lack of insight or willingness to get help leaves you with few choices.

 

When someone will not accept that they have a problem, then there is really nothing anyone can do to change them. When the person is not willing to change, then no one can force them to change. The only thing you can do is react.

 

It would be best if your wife was willing to see a therapist. You are right, seeing a psychiatrist is great, but without therapy, your wife is stuck where she is. But you do have a choice about what you want to do. Before you decide to leave your wife, try seeing a therapist yourself. Even if you choose to leave her, you are going to have many unresolved issues from how she has treated you. Seeing a therapist can help you not only decide if you want to leave the marriage or not, but it can help you learn to cope with the feelings you have about your marriage. To find a therapist, talk with your doctor for a referral. Or if you attend church, speak with your pastor. You can also search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

 

Consider a separation. See if it helps your wife gain any insight into her behavior. Sometimes time apart can make a big difference.

 

Also, you can talk with your wife. Tell her you are considering a separation or leaving the marriage because of her behavior. Let her know that you have tried to help her, but because she will not get help, you need to protect yourself. Tell her that you would like her to get help by going to therapy with you. If you tell her these things, it will give her a chance to see the effects of her behavior. She may not listen, but giving her that chance is important for you and for her. Then if you decide to leave, you can say you tried the best you could.

 

Here are some books that can help you decide how to handle this situation:

 

Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage by Lee Raffel

 

The Four Factors: Should You Stay, Go or Improve Your Relationship? by Ron Gentile PhD

 

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing by Beverly Engel

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5559
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Mental Health Professional
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.