How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask David Akiva Your Own Question

David Akiva
David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience:  Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
57833540
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
David Akiva is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My husband moved out because he is having an affair that he

Resolved Question:

My husband moved out because he is having an affair that he doesn't want to stop--should I be kind and caring, or act very separate? I want him to see how caring I can be, but maybe he needs to see what being single is really like????
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  David Akiva replied 3 years ago.

Duddy :

Welcome, I am a professional counselor, Behavioral-Consultant and relationship expert.

Duddy :

I'd like to ask a few questions to better understand the situation that you and your husband are in right now.

Duddy :

...

Customer:

OK--I haven't done this before, so I didn't realize how it would be--I might not have a lot of time

Duddy :

No problem...

Customer:

What can I tell you?

Duddy :

What is the status of your relationship? Have you decided to separate? Does he want to try and move forward with your marriage? What have you communicated about the future of your relationship?

Duddy :

Does he openly admit to a currently ongoing affair?

Customer:

He has decided to separate, not divorce yet. He moved out to live with a friend (a married man with his family). I think he wants to see his girlfriend, and he says he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. I have told him that we have a love that is better and stronger than most and that if we both tried to, we could be more in love than ever

Duddy :

I agree with you. I've worked with 100's of distressed couples and individuals on relationship issues like this and seen affairs be used to learn how to communicate and meet each others core-relationship needs better than ever before. Is he open to evidence-based marital counseling?

Duddy :

Given the fact that he is actively in an affair right now tells me that you need a well trained marital therapist to resolve this and move forward together.

Customer:

I dont' know--we went to two counselors, who focused on "the good" and talking and told him he had to stop talking to her, but it didn't convince him...... He MIGHT agree, but it would have to be intense to make a difference I think....

Duddy :

Well there is a major difference between counseling as usual and evidence-based marital therapy. Let me get you some links so you better understand what I mean by evidence-based marital therapy:

Duddy :

http://www.iceeft.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=47&Itemid=79

Duddy :

http://www.iceeft.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=48&Itemid=80

Duddy :

EFT is the best form of marital therapy in the world, it powerful results in as few as 7 sessions.

Customer:

I went to the link, but need to look more--how do we find this in our area?

Duddy :

Here is the find a therapist page. You type in your city and state and it will find therapists in your area:

Duddy :

http://www.iceeft.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=59&Itemid=54

Duddy :

Let me get you one other link for science based marital therapy:

Duddy :

http://www.gottman.com

Customer:

is EFT and science based the same?

Duddy :

EFT is a stronger therapy based on very detailed outcome and follow up research.

Customer:

So why would we want to use science based?

Duddy :

The Gottman Method is based on the research of Dr. John Gottman. He's the famous marital researcher that showed that divorce could be predicted based on a couple's communication styles around hot-button issues with almost 100% accuracy.

Duddy :

The closer the therapists work with you is linked to strong relationship and therapy science the higher the quality of the therapy in most cases.

Duddy :

In EFT and Gottman therapy, therapist go through extensive training and follow a very simillar short term therapy process with every couple.

Duddy :

They know how to avoid common pitfalls like the therapist taking sides with one partner and they know how to build a strong therapeutic relationship with both partners.

Duddy :

EFT is also time limited in most cases so you are not going to pay for counseling or marital therapy for years on end.

Customer:

That would be good--at least one of our therapists connected more with me than with my husband. So I am understanding this that bsically EFT is based on hitting the emotions and Science based is more facts/stats, etc

Duddy :

That's right. My role as a professional counselor working with couples in crisis has mostly been to stabilize things emotionally and behaviorally. I would then always refer to EFT therapy for the deeper emotional work and only heard positive results in every case. I have no formal affiliation with EFT, I've just seen very positive results first hand and have studied and worked with the basic research and therapy methods.

Customer:

so we need to go to a counselor first and then do eft? or just start with eft?

Duddy :

From what you've told me, I would go directly to a fully trained EFT therapist. When you look at the find a therapist site, you want to make sure to select a therapist who has the highest level of training. You can also ask if there is any research going on in your area at universities or medical centers. Some times you can get very high quality EFT therapy for free if you can participate in a research project.

Customer:

ok--we are military so I doubt that our insurance will cover this--can you give me an idea of cost?

Duddy :

Well the cost really varies based on a number of factors. I think the best thing to do would be to contact some EFT therapists in your area by phone or e-mail an ask about their fees and see if they have a sliding fee scale.

Customer:

Also--we live in El Paso TX and apparently there is no one here......

Duddy :

Let me take a look...

Duddy :

What I would do is contact advance trained (clinical supervisors) EFT therapists in Texas via e-mail and ask if there is someone in your area. I recently called the head office for EFT in Ottawa Canada in a similar situation and they mentioned to me that there are many EFT therapists that do not register on the find a therapist web-page.

Customer:

Can I googl that name? "advance trained EFT therapists in Texas"?

Duddy :

Secondarily I would look for a fully trained Gottman therapist at the link I sent you, if you are not able to find an EFT therapist in your area. In both cases I would ask for that advanced trained therapists suggestion in your area.

Duddy :

Well, on the EFT find a therapist page I sent you, if you type in Texas for the state, a window will come up with all of the listed therapists in Texas. There is a code they use to show the training level of each therapist on the top of the page to the left....

Duddy :

I would communicate with someone with an S or an E minimum, beside their name. S is better because it signifies the highest level of training and that they supervise other therapists in training.

Duddy :

My concern here is that you and your husband get the very best available marital therapy. The training and experience these supervisory EFT therapists have, combined with their knowledge of resources and alternatives in your state is the closest I can get to trying to make sure you get the best available support.

Customer:

ok--thanks. I will try to contact them and see what they can reccomend. This was helpful, thank you.

Duddy :

You're welcome and really wish you and your family the very best in the future.

Duddy :

I just wanted to clarify, it was the "A" and "C" level EFT therapists you wanted to best communicate with and eventually possibly work with...sorry about that.....

Customer:

So A is the best and C is the second best?

Duddy :

That's correct.

Duddy :

Sorry again, that was not correct. S is best - for "Supervisor", and C is second best for fully "Certified"

Customer:

ok--thank you!

Duddy :

No problem. Thank you for your patience.

David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience: Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
David Akiva and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Mental Health Professional
David Akiva
David Akiva
150 Satisfied Customers
Counselor; Behavioral Consultant