Welcome, I am a professional counselor, Behavioral-Consultant and relationship expert.
I'd like to ask a few questions to better understand the situation that you and your husband are in right now.
OK--I haven't done this before, so I didn't realize how it would be--I might not have a lot of time
What can I tell you?
What is the status of your relationship? Have you decided to separate? Does he want to try and move forward with your marriage? What have you communicated about the future of your relationship?
Does he openly admit to a currently ongoing affair?
He has decided to separate, not divorce yet. He moved out to live with a friend (a married man with his family). I think he wants to see his girlfriend, and he says he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. I have told him that we have a love that is better and stronger than most and that if we both tried to, we could be more in love than ever
I agree with you. I've worked with 100's of distressed couples and individuals on relationship issues like this and seen affairs be used to learn how to communicate and meet each others core-relationship needs better than ever before. Is he open to evidence-based marital counseling?
Given the fact that he is actively in an affair right now tells me that you need a well trained marital therapist to resolve this and move forward together.
I dont' know--we went to two counselors, who focused on "the good" and talking and told him he had to stop talking to her, but it didn't convince him...... He MIGHT agree, but it would have to be intense to make a difference I think....
Well there is a major difference between counseling as usual and evidence-based marital therapy. Let me get you some links so you better understand what I mean by evidence-based marital therapy:
EFT is the best form of marital therapy in the world, it powerful results in as few as 7 sessions.
I went to the link, but need to look more--how do we find this in our area?
Here is the find a therapist page. You type in your city and state and it will find therapists in your area:
Let me get you one other link for science based marital therapy:
is EFT and science based the same?
EFT is a stronger therapy based on very detailed outcome and follow up research.
So why would we want to use science based?
The Gottman Method is based on the research of Dr. John Gottman. He's the famous marital researcher that showed that divorce could be predicted based on a couple's communication styles around hot-button issues with almost 100% accuracy.
The closer the therapists work with you is linked to strong relationship and therapy science the higher the quality of the therapy in most cases.
In EFT and Gottman therapy, therapist go through extensive training and follow a very simillar short term therapy process with every couple.
They know how to avoid common pitfalls like the therapist taking sides with one partner and they know how to build a strong therapeutic relationship with both partners.
EFT is also time limited in most cases so you are not going to pay for counseling or marital therapy for years on end.
That would be good--at least one of our therapists connected more with me than with my husband. So I am understanding this that bsically EFT is based on hitting the emotions and Science based is more facts/stats, etc
That's right. My role as a professional counselor working with couples in crisis has mostly been to stabilize things emotionally and behaviorally. I would then always refer to EFT therapy for the deeper emotional work and only heard positive results in every case. I have no formal affiliation with EFT, I've just seen very positive results first hand and have studied and worked with the basic research and therapy methods.
so we need to go to a counselor first and then do eft? or just start with eft?
From what you've told me, I would go directly to a fully trained EFT therapist. When you look at the find a therapist site, you want to make sure to select a therapist who has the highest level of training. You can also ask if there is any research going on in your area at universities or medical centers. Some times you can get very high quality EFT therapy for free if you can participate in a research project.
ok--we are military so I doubt that our insurance will cover this--can you give me an idea of cost?
Well the cost really varies based on a number of factors. I think the best thing to do would be to contact some EFT therapists in your area by phone or e-mail an ask about their fees and see if they have a sliding fee scale.
Also--we live in El Paso TX and apparently there is no one here......
Let me take a look...
What I would do is contact advance trained (clinical supervisors) EFT therapists in Texas via e-mail and ask if there is someone in your area. I recently called the head office for EFT in Ottawa Canada in a similar situation and they mentioned to me that there are many EFT therapists that do not register on the find a therapist web-page.
Can I googl that name? "advance trained EFT therapists in Texas"?
Secondarily I would look for a fully trained Gottman therapist at the link I sent you, if you are not able to find an EFT therapist in your area. In both cases I would ask for that advanced trained therapists suggestion in your area.
Well, on the EFT find a therapist page I sent you, if you type in Texas for the state, a window will come up with all of the listed therapists in Texas. There is a code they use to show the training level of each therapist on the top of the page to the left....
I would communicate with someone with an S or an E minimum, beside their name. S is better because it signifies the highest level of training and that they supervise other therapists in training.
My concern here is that you and your husband get the very best available marital therapy. The training and experience these supervisory EFT therapists have, combined with their knowledge of resources and alternatives in your state is the closest I can get to trying to make sure you get the best available support.
ok--thanks. I will try to contact them and see what they can reccomend. This was helpful, thank you.
You're welcome and really wish you and your family the very best in the future.
I just wanted to clarify, it was the "A" and "C" level EFT therapists you wanted to best communicate with and eventually possibly work with...sorry about that.....
So A is the best and C is the second best?
Sorry again, that was not correct. S is best - for "Supervisor", and C is second best for fully "Certified"
No problem. Thank you for your patience.