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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5559
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My daughter goes to private *Christian School one of the

Resolved Question:

My daughter goes to private *Christian" School one of the girls broke up with a boy all of the girls are shunning my daughter because this boy is talking to her this is not the first time this one particular girl has been mean to her its like every one has to be in her circle, my daughter says she still has one of her friends but she still hangs with the ones that are mean to her even some of the other girls boyfriends have gotten involved my daughter's attitude has changed dramaticly she cries a lot but doesn't want me to say anything to the school because she will be even more ridiculed for getting mom involved.She wants to change schools should I talk to the teachers anyway?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like your daughter is being bullied. These other girls have set "rules" and have made your daughter a target for not following the rules.

 

There are two ways to go with handling this situation. You can talk with your daughter again about reporting the bullies. See if she is willing to work with you on figuring out how to deal with the situation. Explore the options and see if it can be worked out.

 

You can also let her change schools. What you want to be careful of here is that she does not learn to run away from problems like bullies. She will encounter others like that in her life and sometimes leaving the situation is not an option. However, if you feel there are no more answers left and you notice your daughter having a lot of trouble emotionally, you may want to consider this option.

 

If your daughter is willing to work on the issue, see what has been the school's history in dealing with these types of situations. The school should at least have an anti bully program. Have you spoken to other parents about bullying in the school? You can gage what kind of reaction you might get if you decided to talk to your daughter's teachers by what other parents say. I can't imagine that your daughter is the first child affected by these bullies.

 

Have you spoken to the school counselor? You could call just based on wanting advice, not for her or him to interfere. See if they can give you a good idea of how the school will respond and help your daughter.

 

At the very least, it is important for your daughter to see a therapist. She is being targeted and needs the support of a therapist, who can not only help her find ways to cope, but help you as well. You can also bring up the idea of talking to her teachers again while she is in therapy and see what you can work out. Ask her doctor for a referral. Or if you want to search on line, here is a link to help you: http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

 

Keep talking with your daughter about her situation. If you can keep her talking about it, you have a better chance of catching any changes in her behavior, indicating it's getting worse. It will also keep you up to date about the situation. Giving your daughter an outlet will help her as well. Does she belong to any sports or activities outside of school? Keeping her connected with her friends and others who appreciate her outside of school will help her deal with the situation at school and let her know that it's only part of her life, not all of it.

 

Here are some books that can help you:

 

When Your Child Is Bullied: An Essential Guide for Parents by Jenny Alexander

 

The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to High School--How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence by Barbara Coloroso

 

Bully Blocking: SIx Secrets to Help Children Deal With Teasing and Bullying by Evelyn M. Field

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
What if her friends go to the public school near her and some of those friends are cousins of some of the same girls that are being mean to her at her school. Also some of them are allow to date guys at 14, 15 yrs old and she is not. she wanted to go to the mall this weekend with them I told her no. Can her being friends with girls other than kids at her school not be good for her if she is involved with them and their school activites I am not so sure it will not affect her own school life. she is also being accused of trying to fix the boy up with one of those girls that is the cousin to one of the other girls at school. She doesn't understand why I feel she should have friends at her own school am I wrong She says she doesn't have any that accept her except them
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

It sounds like you live in an area where many of the kids are related to each other. That makes it more difficult for her to deal with, but not impossible.

 

I think you can allow her to be friends with the kids from the public school if she feels ok with the relationships. If there is any indication that these girls are going to become involved in the school conflict, however, then I would talk to your daughter about the situation and see if she feels it's a good idea to restrict the relationships.

 

It is important that she be allowed to be friends with those she feels are not involved in the conflict, even if they are related to the bullies. It will help establish her friendships and give her important connections in dealing with the bully situation.

 

It's probably tough for her to not have friends at her own school, but if the kids are forming cliques and not allowing the friendships to form naturally, then it will be tough for your daughter to have friends at school. As long as she is showing she can form friendships somewhere in her life, she is doing fine.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5559
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Mental Health Professional
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.