Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.
It sounds like the communication between the two of you has dissolved because of unspoken expectations. You wanted to try to make things even but they are not. She on the other hand, misinterpreted your request for a Kindle for your husband's birthday.
It could be that she is feeling responsible for the family situation because she is successful and everyone in the family is struggling. She may resent these feelings and is taking it out on you instead of working it out.
In this situation you can do a few things. You can let her cool off for a while then try to communicate with her again. Or you can write her a letter explaining that you do not want her to feel responsible and that you want to reestablish your relationship. Ask her to talk it over with you. You can also ask if she is willing to see a therapist with you so you can work it out with a neutral third party. A therapist can help you both see how you are mis communicating and help you find ways to communicate better. You can find a therapist by asking your doctor for a referral. Or if you attend church, ask your pastor for help. You can also search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.
Both of you need to put the past behind and start over. Talk to each other and find out where the communication is going wrong then fix it. Be sensitive to each other's feelings and understand each other's situation. Make it clear to your daughter that although you, your husband and your son may be going through a tough time, she is not obligated to help you. Then stick to that. Talk about the gift situation and find out what she feels would work. Try to make it so no one feels obligated to spend more than someone else such as a limit on what can be spend on a gift. Or maybe gifts could be worked out so they are non money oriented, such as homemade gifts or offers to help each other in some way. Once you learn how to communicate better, you and your daughter will be able to have a good relationship.
I hope this helps you,Kate
I understand what you are saying. It may be that she doesn't see it that way, however, and that is where the conflict is happening. If you try to reestablish communication, a closer relationship with your daughter may help her to see that offering would be a nice gesture. However your expectation of it probably makes her resentful and causes her to pull away. This is not your fault, it is just how it works between you two right now. Trying to offer her an olive branch and working it out would help a lot.
I think it may be a good idea to back off a little and give her time to work on her feelings about this situation. She is going to be on the defensive as long as she feels upset about this. And the more you both interact about the problem, the more defensive she is going to feel.
Try letting her know you care about her then give her space. Maybe try contacting her again in a month or two. In the meanwhile, send her cards on holidays and birthdays keeping it simple without any discussion of the problem between you both. Do not interact with her any other way. If you give her time, she may be able to cool down and be able to see your side of things too.