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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Married 12 years, 2 children, 8 and 4. Husband disrespects me and flirts quietly in front

Resolved Question:

Married 12 years, 2 children, 8 and 4. Husband disrespects me and flirts quietly in front of me. Likes to be noticed by others. When I tell him how I feel, he says you better change your jealousy. He is good person, everyone loves him, but when we are out he makes me feel insecure at times. I've worked since I was 14 years old, since I've had children I'm pretty much put my career on hold. My focus are my children and feel I'm not appreciated. He takes me for granted. I'm so hurt with what he does and I tend to go off on him. I get very sad and angry, then feel bad after I say what I feel. Please help....
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like your husband is focusing on his needs and not yours in the marriage. And when you bring up how you feel, he puts the feelings you have back on you instead of listening and taking your feelings seriously.

 

Your husband needs to understand that marriage is a two way street and both people in the relationship should respect each other. He is married to you, so his first priority should be you, not himself. He also needs to stop flirting with other women. When he married you, you had the expectation of being exclusive to one another. He is not holding up his part of the deal and treating you with respect.

 

When he does not accept what you feel about his behavior and puts it back on you, this is going to cause you to question yourself and maybe feel it is your fault. It is not. You have the right to be listened to and put first, just as he does.

 

It is important that the two of you see a therapist. A therapist can provide insight into your situation and help you both work on communication and what you both expect from your marriage. They will also provide a neutral evaluation of the problem and offer you solutions on how to solve the situation so you both feel better about your relationship. Talk with your doctor about a referral or if you attend church, your pastor can help. You can also search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

 

Also, you can try communicating to your husband that you feel the relationship is not meeting your needs. When you do this, use "I" statements such as "I need to feel important to you". Leave out blaming and accusing. The only thing that accomplishes is him feeling defensive and the confession that he is sorry (when he may not be). Telling your husband how you feel and being clear that you do not find his behavior acceptable will at least let him know where you stand and justify the need for counseling. And let him know you feel counseling is not an option in your situation. If he still refuses to go, go without him. You need support right now and help with how to cope with his behavior.

 

Here are some books that may help you get started:

 

We Can Work It Out: How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage (Perigee) by C. Notarius and Howard Markman

 

Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving & Thriving With the Self-Absorbed by Wendy T. Behary

 

The Language of Love and Respect: Cracking the Communication Code with Your Mate by Emerson Eggerichs

 

You can find these books at Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

I hope this has helped you,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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