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Arundhati, Counselor & Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 259
Experience:  Licensed psychotherapist, Published Wellness Author
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I am an attractive educated Female aged 47 in a relationship

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I am an attractive educated Female aged 47 in a relationship with a Male 57 and have happily been so for the past 18months. My partner, whilst he is very Social, loves women -and their company, loves to flirt - Handsome -very ('trust fund') Wealthy, however through all of the above - I feel his true underlying personality type what I (and other observers, Male and Female alike) can only describe as aloof AND emotionally anept / apathetic personality type. Sex life isnt a problem at all - over the past several months the happy fun, honey moon phase is slowly creeping to an end and I am now at a cross-roads as to where to from here.
He has had a number of (perhaps 00's of short and medium term relationships prior to meeting me - married for 4 years -still not divorced -he has a gorgeous daughter of 9 years -who has for the most part an emotionless/empty bond to her - however, he does care for her financially)... He isn't an easy person to read, my personality is the polar opposite -I LOVE to LOVE (and receive) and hug and care and nuture ... How can i cut through and understand this Apathy - I do love this person and want to learn how to understand how to deal with Apathy better - what do I need to do? - with referance to the comment above? Does he perhaps have depression? and I am just glazing over it or missing something here?

Thank you for writing in to Just Answer.

From what you describe it sounds like your partner's attachment style is very different from your own. There are thought to be 4 different attachment styles (you can read more about them here) and it sounds like he typically exhibits the Dismissive-Avoidant attachment style. This kind of attachment pattern could have set in for various reasons and many a times it can be traced back to childhood issues (such as adequate love and bonding with the mother).

It is also possible that he suffers from depression that keeps him from engaging fully or being more emotionally available.

What you could do is see if he will consider therapy or life coaching to talk about his issues. Perhaps you can bring up that you feel that he doesn't engages as much in the relationship with you and that by talking about what could be holding him back he could create a more intimate and deeper relationship with you.

I hope this was helpful.

Please let me know if you have clarifying questions/thoughts to what I wrote above.

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Kind Regards,

Arundhati and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Hi There,

Thank you for your message back to me - I found you response quite good - although to me it seemed somewhat basic with reference to the type of 'attachment style' (which by the way I completely agree with) Dismissive-Avoidant attachment style.
I guess what I am looking for with this information - is a lot more specific reference information with the 4 styles you've mentioned - more particularly with the attachment style and recommendations or professional suggestions as to how the two styles (his and mine - which seem to be somewhat opposite) can work together better - perhaps with more detailed definitions of each style and and their no-doubt numerous points of difference. Thank you.

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