Thank you for the added information. It helps a lot. I believe I can now be of help with this issue.
First, let me say I can imagine how overwhelming this situation must be for you. Why do I say overwhelming?
Because you have lived a life full of many experiences and many relationships and many interactions. All to grow and learn from. All that add up together to be your life. And there is one set of events so many years in the past now, yet they still dominate in a way that no other experiences, relationships, hand interactions can come close to. Those events intrude into your sense of self more than their fare share.
And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. Your question to me really is: how can I perform emotional surgery on myself? I don't actually mind remembering the awfulness of what my brother did to me in the past. It's the residual effect on me that I need excised from my soul and my awareness. How can I surgically remove the molestation from my life?
And you are such a sensitive and faithful person, that right now you already have a sense of what the answer can only be:
We are not able to perform emotional surgery on ourselves. This is not how G-d built us. And so to confront him with the past will give you a moment of adrenaline and it will be exciting. But after the dust settles, the uneasy feelings you ALWAYS feel in life will be back as before. Why?
Because that is not the purpose of either the experiences of our lives nor of their emotional impact. The purpose of life is to grow, learn, develop, process, gain in awareness, grow some more, learn, develop some more. On and on. And it is not only the new events we are to process and learn and grow from. The new events interact with the old events, the new feelings with the old. And it is through bringing the old events into the present that we have the opportunity to learn and grow from them as we develop and mature. Those old events include the evil that was done to us.
I did not ask about G-d because I was concerned about forgiveness of any kind. I brought up G-d to know how you view growth and development in this world. Your journey needed to start with a sense of uneasiness in the world. And with that YOU would move toward goodness. And you have. He needed to start from a sense of snatching away goodness from the world and move toward goodness. From what you say we do not know if he has. We just don't know.
So let your ongoing discussions with G-d be your companion and guide in the opening up process throughout each day. Look for opportunities for goodness and opening up your heart. You have put yourself in those situations. You have dedicated your professional life to doing good for others. This is the testament to your essential goodness. The unease you feel is part of that. It is part of you and will continue to be.
This is the process you must go through with G-d in His world: to open in goodness what was closed in evil. I wish you the very best!
Please remember to click the green accept button. Feel free to continue the discussion; my goal is to get you the best answers possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX