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Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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How can one live with the regret of losing her only child (emotionally) after he was diagn

Resolved Question:

How can one live with the regret of losing her only child (emotionally) after he was diagnosed with brain cancer. The day of his surgery there was complete chaos caused by his biological father (who gave him up for adoption at age 8); he is now 38 ). Since that day, my son refuses to see or speak with me. and I rarely hear from others regarding my son's health.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 3 years ago.
I am sorry this is so very painful for you. Could you clarify the history on this for me?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I remained a single mother from preganancy until he was 6 yrs of age; re-married and my then husband wanted to adopt him within a year since his biological father refused to have anything to do with his chiled or pay child support. After 7 years we were divorced and his adoptive father refused same as his biological father. For years I encouraged my son not to hate his bio-father as we were very young and time changes everything. He finally forgave him at age 26, began a relationship and gradually moved further away from me.

Our relationship was somewhat stable until his long time girl=friend moved in with my son again in 2005; suddenly my son refused to come around or call until the night he had a seizure, went to the hospital and the MRI reflected a brain tumor. He called me at 12 midnight to come and to the hospital.

The day of his brain surgery, his bio-father and family showed up and it became clear that they were extremely close with my son's girlfriend. My mind and attention was towards my son and what he was going through in that surgery room. I too have had 3 brain surgeries due to a large skull base tumor and I was terrified for my child.

During the time we were awaiting the surgeon to appear with the surgery results, no one would talk to me; then the surgeon appeared with the bad news.

His bio-father's sister began yelling at me "THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!", but I couldn't even answer her. His bio-father stared at me and stormed out of the waiting room.

Two days later his bio-father and wife, girl-friend;half-brother went to his bedside and told him I was out of control and "Poked" his girlfriend in the chest and yelled at everyone in the waiting room. My son called me at home from the hospital and told me not to return, do not call, and "you make me so sick I want to throw up when you touch me"; he believed everything he was told, yet he knows my person and have never exhibited such behavior, especially at such a time.

It will be 3 yrs Julyt 9, 2011 and I am still waiting and waiting for reconcilliation.

Hope this gives you better insight.

 

Expert:  Mark Manley replied 3 years ago.
I am so sorry you have been maligned in this cruel manner. It is sad that your son feels he has to choose sides. Sometimes the best thing you can do in situation like this is also the hardest, that is to back away and let him come to you. Sometimes the more you try the worse it gets. It will take a lot of faith and restraint to try this approach, but, over time it might make a space for him to come to you on his own.
What do you think ?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Faith I have and having been waiting and will continue to do so. I will certainly take your advise, giving him more time and space awaiting his return without any emails, calls, etc.

Thank ytou for your assistance, thank you and God bless you and yours.

Expert:  Mark Manley replied 3 years ago.
Hope springs eternal. God bless you and your son. Thanks for letting me assist. Please click 'accept'.
Thanks

Mark Manley, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience: Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.
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Mark Manley
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Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Over 15 years exp. Married 30 years and happy.