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psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
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Hi, I think I may have a huge problem. I lived with someone

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Hi, I think I may have a huge problem. I lived with someone for 6 years and we split up 2 years ago. We knew each other when we were younger and we both maried other people, but life was not good together and we eventually split. I suppose i hoped it would work against all the warning signs.   I have three children and it was pretty horrendous. He was unwilling to accept anyone for who or what they were and no one could live up to his expectations. It eventually ended in disaster because he would not accept that i wanted to go and I rented a flat. He was so desperate he had a breakdown and he was violent that one night although I think he does have anger difficulties. He went away to south africa for a while but came back and expected me to be there for himand has been relentless ever since. He was Obsessed with showing me the 'real him' and obsessed with showing me where it went wrong. I have tried SO many times in the past to end the realtionship but he has never let me. H e has constantly 'stalked me' although he hates the term, but has constantly shown up at my work, home etc unnanouced and he hasnot lived with me for almost three years. I have felt sorry for him and tried to be there for him as he has no friends and i tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.   I eventually stood firm in Jan this year about ending the relationshiip completely and i became suspicious he was reading me texts and emails. of course he denied it but it has become clear he has been for a long time. he actually told me that he felt he is justified because of the way i was behaving. He was constantly telling me he knew things because he understood me so well... it was horribly disconcerting as he was always one step ahead and i thought i was going mad - he is now using that information to constantly initmidate me and be sarcastic about what i said to whom and what i did when... its outrageous. the other huge thing is that I recommended he saw a therapist a long time ago. He did I think but soon I was involved and I began to get some very odd emails from this therapist and I am almost certain it is him impersonating a therapist. i know he was always reading self help books and trying to get me to do the same but i honestly feel it could be him trying to deceiptfully get me to open up about my relationship etc. so that he can make me 'understand'.   I am scared. its all too odd and he keeps trying to make me feel that i am paranoid. we have one other issue to sort out and that is the finances over the house. i feel he is tring to hold me to randsom over this and using it to talk emotionally. he will not discuss it otherwise. He will not say what he want financially and i dont think what he wants is financial.... so nothing is happening. he has become very absuve and insulting but then doesnt understand why i dont want to see him and cant put 'those issues' behind me.    i cannot easily afford a solcitor but he is stopping me from getting on with my life and has been for 5 years. i am terried of going to the police because i truly think he would flip and he is also making me question whether or not it is me or him who is not thinking straight. all my family and friends are so worried and we joke about being gunned down but actually its ridiculous to be even having these conversations. He is patronising with me - i have all the emails from the 'therapist' and would love to know for sure. I feel i cant condem him until i know. i get an email and texts every single deay and the days and months roll past.....i'm trapped. Please, help.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

First you have to find a way to protect yourself. Here we have restraining orders but I don't know about your location. Whatever route you take you must take one. There is always a way to protect yourself.


In regard to his treatment of you, I think you know that everything including the emails is part of his abuse. The number one factors in defining abuse is emotional or physical control over the partner. Also is paranoia and erratic behavior. He has all of these. He appears most dangerous and you have to treat it as such. Any way you can. This is alarming; not amusing. Find a way to separate yourself 24/7 and to physically keep your distance. if there are details to work out do that with a lawyer or trust person. Don't wait until it's too late. If you feel you are in such danger you are. This isn't you being crazy. This is about a potential stalker. Cut all ties!



Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thank you for your reply. This was a 'normal' guy who lost his business, his marriage etc and has become so bitter with the world - can that really make him dangerous or just desperate? he is particulary obsessed with his hatred for my daughter too who has a strong personality and is sure that he is influencing all my decisons.


i have written to his family but I suspect he has done a fairly good job of behaving 'normally' to them. I hve suspected that he has some kind of persona;lity disorder as he can suddenly 'turn'. His eyes take on a certain look - its hard to explain but even my children have noticed it. And he will never take no for an answer or accept anyone elses point of view.


Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
A person can become desparate, dangerous or both. That isn't a good excuse (not that you said it was). it sounds like he in the least has a personality disorder. They too are very dangerous. Find ways to distance yourself other than his family. They are going to side with him. Find legal or physical ways. Soon.!
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