How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask psychlady Your Own Question

psychlady
psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
52358615
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
psychlady is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My husband/partner of 12 years tells me he wants a divorce

Resolved Question:

My husband/partner of 12 years tells me he wants a divorce because he does not feel free to be himself. When he first asked for the divorce he blamed it on me by saying that I do not listen to him, argue, don't give him credit for what he does around the house, nag him, the typical problems you hear about in marriages. He is still living in the house and has been sleeping on the couch. We are beginning to negotiate divorce terms and sat down to write it out last night. He shows up in my bed last night and this morning he shared a secret that he enjoys wearing women's panties and wanted to tell me this because he wants me to know that the reason for the divorce is not all about mistake I have made, but him not knowing himself. I read that 36% of men enjoy wearing women's underware. What is really going on here?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.
You should never engage in any sexual activity that you do not enjoy just because it pleases someone else. There is nothing wrong with his sexual practices unless they are unpleasant for you. Men engage in unusual sexual practices for many reasons including childhood abuse, deviancy or just sheer enjoyment. That doesn't mean he has latent tendencies about his masculinity. The two of you could benefit from couples counseling to address the sexual issues and the emotional issues if you are going to reunite. If you are going to pursue the divorce, then his sexual issues are not your concern. Separate yourself from that so you can move on. it is going to be especially difficult if he is in the home. Think creatively about other alternatives. Focus on getting your issues resolve with a counselor. Find a relationship that doesn't include sexual behaviors that you find unpleasant
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Why do I feel bad about not enjoying this? I love my husband but some of his habits are hard to live with and I have to say this is probably the most difficult. His secretiveness has been difficult and now as he prepares to leave me and our 10 year old son he comes out with it? It makes me wonder what else he is hiding, I am scared to be alone. I am 53 and he is 41. Is this a generational issue? I am having a difficult time moving forward here.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

There is probably an element of guilt there. Not because it's truth or real but because you want to please him. I would be concerned what else he is hiding too. He may have sexual behaviors that put you at risk or would break your heart. You sound like a nice lady and you truly love him, but that doesn't mean it is healthy to put your head in the sand. A relationship built on secrecy is worse than any relationship at all. Find your courage to move on. Your heart won't be open to a new healthier relationship if you stay with him. You will never know what could have been healthy if you participate in this charade that he has created

 

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Ok , the problem is that I start to justify his behavior. Early on in our relationship he told me he likes to masterbate with panties. I found a bunch of them in a coat pocket of an old coat, he was embaressed and asked forgiveness and said he would get rid of them. He never told me that he was wearing them. I figured it was not a big deal.   In my thinking the only cause for our fights was when he would reject me in bed. Several times our fights would get so heated that I would threaten/suggest divorce. Now he blames me for the divorce saying that my threats and temper are the problem. He says he cant talk to me because of my temper and he gives up communication. In January he started disappearing for long periods of time and not returning my calls. On February 12th he did this again knowing I was waiting for him to go out for a valentines date.   It turns out that he has been having a phone relationship with another woman for a while. I got hold of the records and he also bought her flowers and took her to lunch on valentines day. I confronted him on all of this and he says it is not sexual. I have heard that some people have been able to overcome these kind on things and still have a good marriage. Am I delusional? He says now he feels closer and maybe down the line we will end up together. I don't know what to think. I fear that i will not ever be able to trust him or another man again.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

You shouldn't trust him is the answer. You will trust another man eventually - you may not trust this man. That is not the same. If he wants to wear women's underwear and you are okay with it, that is not a big deal. It doesn't harm anybody. If it hurts your sex life, then that is a problem but it can be worked out with a marriage counselor. What is more troubling is this relationship with this woman. If he is meeting up with her, eating lunch, and carrying on a relationship over the phone or computer, than that is inappropriate, hurtful, and down the line going to be sexual. People don't get past that. You aren't unusual. They would feel exactly like you do now! They would have no trust, they would be hurt and ready to separate, and they would be offended. If it isn't sexual now it will be. Lunches and messages lead to other things. You have to find your strength and decide where this relationship is going. If you are parting ways he has to go. He can't have his cake and eat it too. Let him go before he hurts you any further.

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I think the underpants thing does hurt our relationship because he prefers to masturbate (probably with the panties) more than have sex with me. I read an article that says this can become a problem, and because he confessed to masturbating often, it makes me wonder. I think it is the secretiveness that is the root of the problem. I am not sure how to find my strength. I am scared and facing not only being alone, but having to file bankruptcy, and being a single parent of our 10 year old son. I took a big risk to remarry and have another child with him, and I am very hurt. My moods swing between sorrow, fear, and anger on a consistent basis. I have started counseling through my medical insurance, but I don't always know what to say when I am there and have only gone to two appointments. We have also been to two couples appointments as well, but it has not changed his mind about the divorce.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

Masturbation can be hurtful because you probably are feeling that he prefers that activity. This doesn't necessarily mean that that is the case. Sometimes masturbation is pleasurable because the sensations are different, but it doesn't make you less attractive or desirable. You are on the right track with counseling both his and yours. Try to relax and think about what you would like to address. you may even make a cheat sheet before your appointment. Your moods are inconsistent because you are going through this turmoil. Just a thought but you may consider an evaluation for meds due to situational depression. It's okay to ask for what you need. You do have a lot at risk so that is an even bigger motivation to give this 100%. You are free to make your decisions based on what you both wish to happen. He may want the divorce today but he may or may not want it tomorrow. Stay in therapy and deal with these issues with a professional. Best wishes.

 

psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
psychlady and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Mental Health Professional
psychlady
psychlady
Clinical Director
3299 Satisfied Customers
Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.