I am truly sorry for the abuse you have suffered. Abuse effects everything in your life and changes you forever. Do not let this abuse make you a codependent person. This can lead to accepting relationships that are not heatlhy. Your sexuality is not the issue. The issue is to choose relationships that are positive and nurturing. Don't let your damage make you a insecure person. Chronic depression can also cause you to make choices that are less than healthy. consider wh3ether taking care of the partner is a decision that is benefitting both of you. Don't do things out of obligation alone. As far as the other partner, you don't have a responsibility to tell others of her sexuality. Try to make all decisions about relationships in terms of whether it is a healthy choice for you. Don't allow this relationship to add to your trauma. No abuse, no negativity.
You may choose to be in contact with your family, but don't allow that to have a negative impact either. If the exchange is causing you additional trauma then sever that relationship. Don't allow anything to harm you any longer
It seems that you are sensitive to the rudeness and insensitivity of others. That may always be. It seems especially when someone embarrasses you or uses you to embarrass others, you feel the trauma again. This leads you to lash out. It is much more comfortable being angry over being hurt. So we often cushion our painful feelings in anger or lashing out. This allows you that outlet for your pain. It doesn't make it right. I am just explaining. You have to find a way to communicate those intense emotions so you no longer need to be angry to express yourself.
As far as the other question, you should always find or keep friendships or any relationship based on positive give and take. There should be a positive response to this friendship for both people. Don't stay in any friendship or relationship out of obligation or need. If it benefits your confidence, soul, or heart then find. If not let it go
I say being angry over hurt is not in terms of what is attractive to others but what is painful in our hearts. Human nature is that it is easier to lash out at others (angry) then lash out at ourselves (pain).
You could find a counselor that would so positively impact your anger, self esteem, perceptions and even how to express yourself. You really should want the best for yourself and this would accomplish so many goals especially how to perceive other's feelings towards you.
1. I think you were justified in feeling angry. You are however not as justified in some of your actions. So it's how you respond over how you feel
2. Relatives should always have an obligation to take care of family or at least make these arrangments through services that help
3. You should be asking many questions. Trauma such as that has to processed in therapy. Those questions can't be answered except by her. However family keep secrets for many reasons including embarrassment, fear, paranoia or even how you will perceive them. There is no reason why she didn't abuse your brother except that in abuse there is one scapegoat that takes that abuse. Maybe they have a stronger personality Who knows?
You can find poor anger management skills in a childhood that is abusive. This leads not only to lash out but to not be able to resolve your feelings appropriately. You may have anger and not know how to resolve it. Feelings of trauma can cause you to be extra sensitive to the impact of others and you lash out in a defensive way. That doesn't make you a bad person. Just one that doesn't know how to express herself when feeling attacked. Counseling could help you with healthy communication skills and ways to resolve conflict.
I wish you the very best. You truly seem to want to change and have so much trauma. You truly deserve a rich full life with positive relationships and a bright outlook. Trust in that and find a professional to help you
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