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psychlady
psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
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LOOKING FOR SOMEONE FAMILIAR W ABUSE, Please

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I have been suffering now for the past two years from chronic depression. Actually, I have been subtly depressed most of my life on average. The reason, mainly? Because I was terribly abused by my own mother from the very day I was born. She did not want to come near me for over 1 year back in 1954. I am almost 57 now! After that, when she finally did, she began abusing me. She would strap me with my father's heavy black belt from work almost everyday for no reason on the backs of my bare thighs until I had big, red welts on them. She would just fly into a terrible rage and turn all red. It was awful to say the least. I finally left home at 17 and have been on my own since. It has not been happy for most of my life. I discovered also, around 9 or 10 that I was "different" from other girls. I loved being with the boys. Later, I found out, that I was literally attracted to females.
All my life, it has been either I have been very good friend's with older females(not myself wanting the friendship either, per se')....many times, they would befriend me. After time, I met a woman, divorced, very attractive(which usually, "I" am attracted to....attractive, straight females) and we had, finally, a relationship. It lasted 7 years only because she decided "it wasn't for her any longer." We are still "friends" only and have been now for 31 years. Deep down, however, I feel SO betrayed in a way by her. I can't help it. The breakup helped to continue to ruin my life. Then....I found it hard to trust. I then fell for a relative of hers....even older than she was! She was 18 years older and this one even older but sweet(so I thought) and attractive.
The end result....she kept making a "play" for me in different ways over the years(we ALL know when someone is interested in us, usually) even though she was married. He used to VERBALLY avuse her terribly and I would always stick up for her...and she really loved that. We kissed many, many times over the years on the mouth. She never turned away...far from it. No "French kissing." Later on, after her husband died, she had told me that she "loved me with all of her soul, and THAT is what goes to Heaven!" She always came across to others(including her daughter, as a "Saintly type of person). Church, Rosaries, etc. She ALWAYS wanted a seat where she could "look at ME" however.
Finally.....I just wrote to her 2 years afterwards and asked her outright if she was "in love" with me? Her reply? She ended up showing her daughter!!!!! After I had marked it "private" and "personal." I was SO very hurt and SO disappointed. Her daughter was livid! I understand she did not know about her mother but....she NEVER even gave ME a chance and never believed my story....even though her niece(whom I had been with before) saw everything, just about, that went on and heard everything, and told her too.
Now, at my age, I am so lonely and I am bitter....yes, bitter! I get angry easily...not throwing anything or screaming or hurting anyone but I just "fly off the handle" fairly easily now. I hate that SO much.
What, please, would you suggest that I do?? I feel SO lost and alone and have NOTHING to do with my only two relatives....my MOTHER and my BROTHER(who is as cruel as she is).Even though it is not good to be "angry" don't you feel(or do you?) that I have been "betrayed" by BOTH of these "friends?" Please tell me the truth. Thankyou.
Also, is it "wrong" to be angry with her daughter who says that she would "welcome me with open arms" if I ever wanted to come over? I cannot help but be angry.
By the way.....the 1st woman has fallen a number of times, injured herself badly and I am taking care of her....it is very difficult. The second one, she is not doing well, is at home now with the duaghter and I do not think she will live past this year(or months). I don't want to feel "guilty" if anything happens to her by not seeing her for over a year now. Very difficult. Thankyou.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

I am truly sorry for the abuse you have suffered. Abuse effects everything in your life and changes you forever. Do not let this abuse make you a codependent person. This can lead to accepting relationships that are not heatlhy. Your sexuality is not the issue. The issue is to choose relationships that are positive and nurturing. Don't let your damage make you a insecure person. Chronic depression can also cause you to make choices that are less than healthy. consider wh3ether taking care of the partner is a decision that is benefitting both of you. Don't do things out of obligation alone. As far as the other partner, you don't have a responsibility to tell others of her sexuality. Try to make all decisions about relationships in terms of whether it is a healthy choice for you. Don't allow this relationship to add to your trauma. No abuse, no negativity.

 

You may choose to be in contact with your family, but don't allow that to have a negative impact either. If the exchange is causing you additional trauma then sever that relationship. Don't allow anything to harm you any longer

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
First of all, naturally, I thought that when I was with the other woman related to the first, that she was just so wonderful and kind and nurturing and sweet.....that is how EVERYONE saw her. So did I. But, as you can see, this person turned out to be NOT so "sweet" when she went ahead and instead of speaking with "me" about my letter as we used to speak so often on the phone....she went right ahead and showed the letter to her daughter! One therapist said she wanted to show her daughter that she was truly "loved" by someone, finally, because the daughter used to be verbally unkind to her also, just like the father. She would call her "Queen Linda"(just made up person's name). That was not nice.
You see, I was always one to try to "protect" people....maybe because no one ever protected me when I was abused. That is how I still am. I have found also that when I moved into a place for elderly/disabled(me being disabled), the people here, especially the women, many of them are EXTREMELY cruel and gossip an awful lot. I end up getting VERY angry when they have said something unkind about me, in particular, and I tend to "lash out" and then "I" end up looking like an idiot!
Just recently, a dear "friend" in here had found out that the head of this association here (a man) had promised to bring up St. Patrick's Day dinners to myself and especially my "friend" that I had spoken about that I care for. He did NOT want me coming down to the community room that evening, in front of everyone to "pick it up." He wanted NO ONE to "pick up" a meal and bring it upstairs. Therefore, he agreed to bring it up himself. The evening came. I waited 1 hour and 10 minutes and no dinners. I finally went down and went to ask him what happened. Instead....he starts after me, out loud in front of everyone telling me that "I" should have been down to pick up the dinners!! Also, he said in front of everyone, "We do not provide ROOM SERVICE here!!!" very fresh!! I was SO taken aback that I yelled out loud that he was a "nasty guy" and a "liar". I then left, crying. I was SO hurt and yes, angry. I did not deserve that at all.
This "friend" called me and even said how "angry" she was over what happened to me and that I did not deserve that and "do I have your permission to say something to him...even in front of others?!" I said, "yes, of course." I figured, now, I have someone to "stick up" for me. Well.....she NEVER did what she had asked. At all. I was SO HURT and yes, I was angry, once again. Even a "friend" I figured, would not stick up for me. I think it brings back the past all the time when I am HURT because with that, see no one stuck up for me at all when I was little and being beaten. I called her and told her how I felt because she has been wondering why I have not called.
Why, in God's Name are so many people SO mean? I always thought that as people aged that they became more "mellow!" Not So! Far from it.
So......that is the story. As far as the second person I had feeling for....do you think I am wrong not to want to have anything to do with her or her daughter? I feel, really, that I was betrayed and that her daughter never, ever "apologized" to me for lambasting me that day of the letter.
I am sorry this is so long......it is just that even the therapist I was seeing has not seemed to help me....obviously. You do not know, many times, that you ARE going to be "abused" by these different people!
Thankyou very much.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

It seems that you are sensitive to the rudeness and insensitivity of others. That may always be. It seems especially when someone embarrasses you or uses you to embarrass others, you feel the trauma again. This leads you to lash out. It is much more comfortable being angry over being hurt. So we often cushion our painful feelings in anger or lashing out. This allows you that outlet for your pain. It doesn't make it right. I am just explaining. You have to find a way to communicate those intense emotions so you no longer need to be angry to express yourself.

 

As far as the other question, you should always find or keep friendships or any relationship based on positive give and take. There should be a positive response to this friendship for both people. Don't stay in any friendship or relationship out of obligation or need. If it benefits your confidence, soul, or heart then find. If not let it go

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I will let this be the last comments I make as I know you must be busy. I do appreciate your taking the time to read all I wrote. Obviously, I am tremendously hurt and I DO care about people.
Yes....I am EXTREMELY sensitive to the rudeness and insensitivity of others...even when something is done to someone else. I cannot help it.
When you say, "It is much more comfortable to be angry over being hurt" may I ask, please....why would someone(myself) wish to be seen as "angry" vs. "hurt?" The "anger" is a much less attractive emotion, especially in front of others than "hurt" may be. Maybe it is because I am so sick and tired to people being so mean. I do HATE being "angry" believe it or not..I really do. It also takes a tremendous amount out of me.
HOW do I find a way to "communicate the intense emotions" when I DO become so hurt....rather than being "angry?" I would like to know....seriously. In what way do I learn to express myself in situations like I have had other than "anger?"
Just 3 more quick questions, please.
1. Do YOU feel that I am justified in being "hurt" and yes, even "angry" over what the second woman did to me with the letter and how her daughter reacted and never apologized? Please be truthful as I know you will.
2. The 1st woman that I am now taking care of....she may be in the throws of Alzheimer's I just recently found out. The daughter of the 2nd woman is her cousin. I had felt that SHE should be the person, blood-wise, to really be "stepping up to the plate" with regard to her care whereas they are related. Do you think? She does have her mother at home with her now, but, she also has her husband with her at home to help her.
3. What exactly can I do to try to "forget" what occurred when I was young? Other than my mother finally telling me later in life that she "used me as her whipping boy" as she so nicely put it, do you have ANY idea as to WHY she neglected me for over a year when I was born and WHY she treated ME the way she did and not my brother? It still bothers me so very much to this day and I will never find out from her. He even said he "felt sorry for HER" when I once asked WHY he continues to cater to her.
Thankyou so very, very much for all of your help. I certainly appreciate it. I just want to be "happy" that is all....nothing more. I want some "peace" finally.
Take care.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

I say being angry over hurt is not in terms of what is attractive to others but what is painful in our hearts. Human nature is that it is easier to lash out at others (angry) then lash out at ourselves (pain).

 

You could find a counselor that would so positively impact your anger, self esteem, perceptions and even how to express yourself. You really should want the best for yourself and this would accomplish so many goals especially how to perceive other's feelings towards you.

 

1. I think you were justified in feeling angry. You are however not as justified in some of your actions. So it's how you respond over how you feel

 

2. Relatives should always have an obligation to take care of family or at least make these arrangments through services that help

 

3. You should be asking many questions. Trauma such as that has to processed in therapy. Those questions can't be answered except by her. However family keep secrets for many reasons including embarrassment, fear, paranoia or even how you will perceive them. There is no reason why she didn't abuse your brother except that in abuse there is one scapegoat that takes that abuse. Maybe they have a stronger personality Who knows?

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I did not wish to write again and to take your time further. However....do you feel that I show anger and even feel it because I was never "allowed" to show or feel it when I was young? Could that be it? That I now am older(and bigger) and I feel that "now" I am going to get even(by verbally being angry) for ALL that happened to me when I was young? That showing that I am "hurt" in front of people would only show, in my mind, that I am "weak" and maybe that is why the anger comes out rather than it being more hurt?
This WILL be the end of my writing...I am so sorry. I have been told, over the years by many, that I am a kind, caring, loving, and decent human being. I have tried, so hard, to be exactly like that....probably because too I did not wish to be like my mother...however, as I look at it, I AM turning into my mother in a way...."verbally" and it hurts me to even THINK of that. I don't want to get angry with ANYONE at all but please, if you can, tell me.....how do YOU or people you have helped, contain any anger if you or they have been hurt? Do you just sit back and take it or do you diffuse it by maybe just walking away or something to that effect? I truly need to know even one or two skills that would help me...please.

This IS the end of my writing today. I do apologize to you as I said before for the length of what I have written. Obviously, as you see, I am desperate to not only feel better within myself, but to also stop with "lashing out" verbally when I feel certain emotions.

Thankyou with all my heart. I hope, that in the future, I could write and tell you that I have found some peace and that things are better...all the way around. It is not "fun" to feel like this many times, believe me.
Take care.
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

You can find poor anger management skills in a childhood that is abusive. This leads not only to lash out but to not be able to resolve your feelings appropriately. You may have anger and not know how to resolve it. Feelings of trauma can cause you to be extra sensitive to the impact of others and you lash out in a defensive way. That doesn't make you a bad person. Just one that doesn't know how to express herself when feeling attacked. Counseling could help you with healthy communication skills and ways to resolve conflict.

 

I wish you the very best. You truly seem to want to change and have so much trauma. You truly deserve a rich full life with positive relationships and a bright outlook. Trust in that and find a professional to help you

 

 

If I have been helpful, press accept

psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
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