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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I had an affair and I dont want to tell my husband, it will

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I had an affair and I don't want to tell my husband, it will crush him. We just celebrated our 25 th wedding anniversary. I am in my late 40's and have been raised in a christian home. I feel terrible about this, but I also believe that I shouldn't confess to my husband. it is not anything that he has done. Our relationship is great and we have two children. He loves me madly and always has. He has just been involved in his work and that's when I dove into the affair; I wasn't looking to have an affair, it just happened. Last year during the last day of school, a co-worker offered to give me a massage for 1/2 off. I love deals and I went to the studio. The touch the sensation and how it made me feel was so errotic, I couldn't believe it. After the massage, he said his wife was out of town, so the next few weeks I met him for coffee and we talked and then one thing led to another until it was a full blown affair. it has lasted about one year now. I know this is wrong, but yet, the thrill, the attention, the compliments the desires keep me yearning for more. He has been married 40 years. I feel silly and foolish, but yet, eventhough I will be 50 soon, I feel young and desired again.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 6 years ago.
Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

Your very frank letter spelled things out quite clearly. You are faced with some choices now.

One of them, I agree, is NOT telling your husband, for it will destroy your family. If somehow he finds out about this affair, it will also destroy your family. Your affair may be known to someone else, by chance, and it may get back to him.

I understand how unfulfilled you were before the affair, and how this has restored you and has kept you yearning to feel alive, desired, cared for. It is hard to resist but you have to remember that you are playing with fire.

Your choices?
  • continue the affair most cautiously; it may be your undoing; your lover may get caught and his wife spill the beans to your husband; he may get bored with you and drop you causing great depression; you might even reach a point where you begin to resent your husband and things will start to unravel.
  • cut the affair off now; you will also risk resenting your husband, feel let down, and fall into depression; you and your husband could go into counseling because you feel you need to get the spark back into your marriage. this may work, but it may not, because the genie is already out of the bottle and replacing the cork just won't get him back inside.
This is what you call a dilemma. From the way you talk, you are probably going to continue the affair, although it may fizzle out eventually - or you may ultimately wish to leave your husband for this man.

I hope you can avoid consequences, but there are going to be some. Search deeply in your heart what all consequences might be, which are acceptable, and which are not, an then formulate a plane that works best for your life and for all those you care about. including and especially your own self.

My best wishes to you. May you have the power to dance between the raindrops.

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
thanks you are right. It seems that on one hand I want to continue, however, I know that this is wrong and will lead to distruction. It is difficult for me to forgive my self. Do you have any suggestions about my healing process? Also, does this make me a really terrible person? The largest torment is living with what I have done.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 6 years ago.
Dear friend,

You are not a terrible person at all. You were not getting the love and attention that you needed and deserved from your husband, and at a moment of weakness and chance opportunity, you succumbed to your very human passions and desires.

In a sense, this was very therapeutic for you and made you feel once again the true passions of life, without which you are not a whole person.

Do not be tormented by what happened; rather see it as a step towards a marriage that lost its sparkle and fullness.. Forgive yourself. Redouble your efforts to get back on track with your husband. Suggest you go into counseling if you feel it is not working. Keep your secret, for it will do only harm to reveal it.

Some counselors are also certified sex counselors who can help guide you to renewing or strengthening your passions.

If you decide to break with the lover, and you have implied that you have made that decision, then, like an alcoholic, you cannot fall off the wagon.

Think of this affair as a gift of renewal, treasure what it brought to you, including the chance for need improvement at home. If you feel that it is over, move ahead positively with the best energy that you can bring to your life and your marriage.

God bless.


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