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cathy
cathy, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  MS., MS.Ed., 30 years clinical and administrative experience in psychiatry and mental health
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I have been emotionally abused by my partner for 3 years, we

Customer Question

I have been emotionally abused by my partner for 3 years, we have a one year old daughter, I have been away from him for 3 months now and I cant move on with my life, he still does things to tourment me, calling dcfs and trying to have my kids taken away, he is very manipulative, he has even convinced my own family I am the crazy one and the one that has problems, I thought for a long time he was right. But even after everything he has done I still cant help but miss him and wish he was here sometimes, ive found it impossible to have a relationship with anyone else, all it does is make me think of him. He constantly put me down, I am not stupid or street trash, but I just dont know what to do to make myself feel better, I went to see a counselor, which is very hard to find in my area, and he basically just told me to stay away from him because Im allowing him to treat me this way. Thats like telling an alcoholic oh just stop drinking, its not that simple. Ive even been to the point that I feel like killing myself because I feel so hopeless, I know things can never be right with him and it hurts so much, and I feel like Ill never be normal without him. am I crazy? what do I do?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  cathy replied 3 years ago.

cathy :

Hi JA customer are you there?

cathy :

OK let us know when you are back online and can chat

cathy :

and one of us will chat with you

Customer :

yes I am here

cathy :

Hi nice to see you

Customer :

hi

cathy :

how are you tonight

Customer :

very depressed and confused

cathy :

oh yes I am sure

cathy :

I have read your post and this is so sad

cathy :

I am glad that you can acknowledge that this is an abusive relationship

Customer :

it is sad and that is just such a brief summary of what my life has been, I know it could be alot worse, but I am at the point I just dont know how to get better

Customer :

it took me a long time to get to that point, I really thought for a long time it was all my fault

cathy :

well its not your fault

cathy :

you have to care for yourself and your daughter right?

Customer :

yes I do, he is trying to take her from me now

cathy :

and the most important thing is that you got away

cathy :

He wont succeed

cathy :

most women risk a lot when they try to get away

cathy :

many of them get killed

cathy :

so you are lucky that you got out

cathy :

and are in a safe place

cathy :

still once you leave that old manipulation that he did to you

Customer :

but Im not away, he doesnt live here, but he has destroyed every aspect of my life, and the worst part is I sit here and still wish he was back

cathy :

can still run through your mind over and over

cathy :

I understand that

cathy :

but you say he has destroyed every aspect of your life?

cathy :

does that mean your child is dead?

cathy :

wait I misread this

Customer :

he has taken my entire family away, he is spending time with them instead of me being able to, he has filed papers to try and take my daughter from me

cathy :

oh so your daughter is okay

cathy :

so your life is not destroyed

cathy :

okay

Customer :

she is, but he just shows up sometimes and takes off with her

cathy :

and as far as taking your family away?

cathy :

well he could not do that unless they wanted to

cathy :

so your family wanted to leave you

cathy :

he had no power to do that to you

cathy :

unless they wanted to abandon you

cathy :

so you dont need them anyway

Customer :

he is manipulative, he convinced my 80 year old grandmother that I use the baby to manipulate him, and poor poor pitiful him

cathy :

well she would not have abandoned you no matter what he said if she did not want to

cathy :

so no matter there

Customer :

and him and my mother are just too chummy, have been from day one, she use to be my best friend, and nd ever since he came along she has been on his side, every time hed do something she would say oh well thats how he is

cathy :

tell me how we can help you on this?

cathy :

no one person can force another person to think another way

Customer :

But i have 3 other children, older, that dont understand y I dont want them around my mother and grandmother now, we are a super tight close family before, they tell my kids I am crazy,

cathy :

so if your Mom feels as she does it has nothing to dow ith him

cathy :

so whats the problem?

cathy :

you keep your kids away

cathy :

help me to understand the problem here

Customer :

and if I let them watch the baby they call him and he takes off with her

cathy :

again

cathy :

why would you do that?

cathy :

what is the problem

Customer :

if I keep my kids away then I am the bad parent because I wont let them see them , the kids get upset and I again look like the bad guy because I wont let them see therir grandkids

cathy :

if your mom and grandmom feel as they do why in heck would you allow them to baby sit your kids?

cathy :

well who cares?

cathy :

why are you so concerned with what others think?

cathy :

you cant have it both ways

Customer :

my biggest problem is moving on, I dont want to miss him, I dont want to feel anything for him, I want to move on with my life and I cant, ive tried so hard

cathy :

tell me what you did when you tried so hard to move on

cathy :

so I can help you on this

cathy :

what did you do to move on?

Customer :

I live in a tiny tiny town, I lost my business over what other people thought, and now barely have money to feed my kids

cathy :

so tell me what you did to move on?

cathy :

and oh no

cathy :

dont tell me you lost your business over what other people thought

cathy :

if that is true

cathy :

you are not a good business woman

Customer :

I stayed away, I changed my phone number, I even tried dating,

cathy :

businesses thrive on gossip so I dont buy this for a moment

cathy :

well thats all good

cathy :

so how is it that you are still in touch?

cathy :

if you changed all your contacts?

cathy :

okay we seem to be having some tech problems or else you are writing on a hand held

cathy :

so I am moving us to q and as

cathy :

q and a

cathy :

see ya there

Customer :

I owned a restaurant in a small town, perception is everything, and when four of my five female employees walked out because I was being so awful to him because he had went to thieir houses crying about how I wouldnt let him see his baby, then all of thier families stopped eating there, then yes it did rruin my business, you figure a town of 350 people and you get 4 familys mad and the best busniness wooman in the world cant fix it because its not about business its persona

Expert:  cathy replied 3 years ago.

Oh no, make no mistake I completely agree with you perception is everything.

 

That said, if you lost business because you were awful to him what does that mean? That you held a gun to his head?

 

Lemme know.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

he called me at work, and talked me into giving him my new number, there is still a part of me that wants him to come home and that is what I struggle with and I dont know how to stop feeling that way

Expert:  cathy replied 3 years ago.

And NO way I believe for even a second that four of his five employees walked out because you would not let him see his baby? I don't know who you think you are writing to here but this fiction does not wash.

I am going to opt out here so you can speak with other experts on this.

 

Cathy

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
its not fiction, its the truth, are you calling me a liar? I had 4 employees, all female, that he went to and manipulated, one of them even tried to get "even" with me for him. You have no idea what this man has done to me or is capable of!
Expert:  cathy replied 3 years ago.

No way am I calling you a liar, but there is no way four of his five employees walked out on him because you would not allow him to see his child. Perhaps he is a liar. I have opted out of this question so lets wait until another expert can weigh in on this.

Good luck, Cathy

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