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Experience:  25 years in private practice
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what can i do to help my wife with bipolar

Customer Question

what can i do to help my wife with bipolar
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 3 years ago.

Dr.Kappler :

It can be very difficult to be the other half of a partnership in which someone is chronically ill. The spouse feels like all he/she ever does is put up and put out and that they never get anything back in return. It can be emotionally and physically draining when your spouse is continually the one that is the focus of your combined attention. The spouse often forgets to acknowledge his/her own needs and wants because their attention is so completely funneled to their partner. They may long for someone they can confide in, someone to listen to their concerns. Sometimes, the spouse can become resentful of the bipolar sufferer, and then, unfortunately, the relationship hits the rocks.

You may dearly miss the person you fell in love with. Keep in mind that with proper treatments and your support, that person will come back to you. Find your own therapist. You may need a professional to help guide you through the hard times. Look for a support group for partners of bipolar sufferers. If there isn't one in your area, consider starting one. Go with your spouse to a few of his/her therapy sessions and talk to their therapist. Ask questions, listen to the therapist's conclusions or views of your spouse's care. Try to be interactive in their care rather than inactive. Don't be overwhelming, though. Find time for yourself with such things as hobbies, walks, jogging, sports, and writing. Sometimes it helps to vent a bit of frustrated energy. You can go for a vigorous walk and clear your head. When your partner is in a healthy mental state, talk to them about your needs and hurts. Don't be confrontational, don't blame, just gently tell them how you feel about things from your perspective. Remind yourself continually throughout the day that there will be better times ahead. Make it a mantra. Allow yourself to reminisce about the good old times when you were both happy and give yourself hope that the good times will come again. Look through photographs of better days, read old love letters and watch family videos. Spend time with the kids talking about funny family stories. Research and find reading material about mental illness. Get to know what you and your spouse are battling against. View your spouse's illness as something you both have to fight as a team. Help monitor your spouse's medication so that you can be aware they are taking the prescribed medications or not. You don't have to be a nazi about it, just let them know you are keeping track. If you have family, spend time with them. If your spouse is hospitalized, ask family and friends to help out with the children, housework, cooking, and even with visitation. Ask for help, this is very important. Treat yourself ever so often. Allow yourself to sleep in one day a week or take a long, hot bath. Have a good cry once in a while. You don't always have to be the strong one. When your spouse is enjoying good mental health, spend pleasurable time together. Go on a date. Spend time with the children. Go for walks, etc. Try not to take unpleasantness personally. It is not your fault that your spouse is depressed or suicidal for that matter. They may be emotional powder kegs ready to blow at any moment, irritable beyond belief, even spiteful. You must remember that most of the time it is the illness talking, not them. I know, this is easy to forget. Learn to relax when you don't have to be on guard. If stress is physically manifesting itself as backaches, sore and stiff muscles, or general aches and pains, consider going to a massage therapist. Let the people around you know when you are going through an especially trying time. If possible, take some time off work. Don't argue with your spouse when they are in a deep depression or manic. It is of no use. They will not be able to see your point of view and it will just cause more tension for everyone. If your spouse is hospitalized, talk to their nurses about their progress. It is a great way for you to get daily updates on your spouse's condition. If it is hard for you to visit a hospital, ask if you can have an off ward pass for a few hours. Take your spouse to a nearby park or restaurant and visit with them there. Don't have high expectations of someone in poor mental health. You are setting yourself up for disappointment. Do not turn to drugs or alcohol to take away your pain and frustrations. You need to be strong for you and your spouse's welfare. Laughter is always good medicine. Rent a few comedies one evening and invite a few good friends to come down and watch them with you. Laugh. If you have become so resentful and angry at your spouse that you have begun to experience marital problems, consider visiting a marriage counselor when the spouse is mentally stable. Don't blame everything on your spouse. It is not their fault that they are ill. Don't blame everything on yourself. That is not fair. Try to focus on what is best for both of you. Don't get muddled up with all that is wrong with your spouse. Instead, look for the person trapped deep inside, the one you dearly love. Sit down and take stock of your life, what is important and what is not. There are a lot of motivational self-help books out there. Go find a few and read them.

Here are four web links to support groups for partners of people with bipolar disorders:

http://www.bipolarsupporter.com/report11

http://organizedwisdom.com/Bipolar_Disorder_Support_Groups_for_Spouses

http://www.mdjunction.com/bipolar-spouses

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bipolar_Disorder/forum/6793-bipolar-spouse-question

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