Hi and thanks for writing JA
are you there?
Hi are you there?
good to see you
how are you doing tonight?
I have read your post
I dont think it will come as much of a surprise to you
but it sounds as if your son in law is emotionally abusive
and your daughter has found herself in a marriage with an abuser
I think you suspect this already no?
yes when I read your post I saw that immediately
does your daughter know she is in an abusive relationship or is she unsure?
She knows. She's a really smart young woman, but seems to feel fearful and unable to take any decisive action. She almost constantly seems to be on the verge of tears, but seems to feel that she has to stay until she can get prepared to earn a living or possibly to give him some time to get straightened out, but he's unwilling to go for counselling.
Will she go for counseling on her own, without him?
I've suggested this, and she told me at one point she would, but I don't think she's made arrangements to do so. I don't know now whether he'd pay for it, and he controls the pursestrings.
How far away do you live from her?
It's a full days drive. 7+ hours.
most women in abusive relationships are afraid to make a move
they keep thinking things will improve
the fact is that they do not
she has to make a move
but it is going to be hard for her
I also wanted to tell you that as you probably already know
domestic violence is not limited to the uneducated or poor
its prevalent even among the educated and rich
she has to make a move but she is paralyzed
and to some extent ruled by wishful thinking to say that she truly believes if she just does this or just does that
he will change
but he will not
so the longer she stays the worse it will get
she needs to get herself and her kids out
even if she is afraid
she needs to remove herself and her children from that type of emotional violence
and if she will not
there is not a thing you can do about it
this is all in her court now
and frankly even though she cannot see it
there is not a thing stopping her at all
from picking up her kids and herself and getting to you
in her mind she is paralyzed
but thats it
Many women think they cannot live without the money or luxuries that their marriages afford them with
I work in deep poverty
so I see how attitudes change
she wont learn that lesson for a long while if she lives well
they married young and went through college and graduate school together. Now he has a really pretigious job with high salary. she hates to give up on her dreams and move back here to a more-less "hick town," and a much lower standard of living. She thinks if she can have a year or so to go back to school, she'll be in a better position, but I'm doubtful that she would even make that move. She's mentioned it to him, and he doesn't want her to. She afraid to even discuss her feelings with him.
well there you go
she has a lot of luxury in her life and has yet to learn that when the going gets ba
you put your kids in the car with the clothes on their backs
and you leavce
it has to get worse for her to go
and so sadly all you can do for now is be there for her and try not to worry yourself crazy
thats all you can do
I think its terrible to have kids experience this
but she is in charge
its her decision
she doesnt seem to mind that her kids are exposed to this
not much you can do
Kids exposed to domestic violence, by the way, carry a lifetime of issues
but she does not seem to include them in her plans
Thanks for your advice. One last thing I want to say is I'm now so afraid he's going to turn her against me or try to keep her from contacting me. I called her today at a time when I didn't think he would be home, but he was. I could hear him in the background whhispering to her while we were talking.
You know what?
I am so glad those grandchildren have you
I am so glad
because this story is so sad
but I know if those kids call you and they need help
I know you will give anything to help them
and in the long run
that is what you must do.
I am so glad you are there and so sensible and so caring.
I'm very worried about the kids. I had thought she was a good mother, but but she doesn't pay much personal attention to them. I've asked her about it, and she says she no longer feels like a very good mother, but will try to do better.
Let me ask you a question before you sign off please?
I know you've said all there is to say. Thank you for your time and advice. Okay?
No I really have not said all I have to say
let me ask you a question please?
Yes. Go ahead.
I was wondering if there were any way at all you could take your grandkids for the summer ? Are you in any position to do that? I will understand if you say no, but you seem like the sane one here and I think that might help.
I don't think I could take them all. I have pretty bad arthritis, and the doctor has recommended joint replacement soon. My husband is quite a bit older than me and has health issues and seems depressed. The oldest and second c hildren are supposed to come here for about a week this summer. The youngest is only 2 and very attached to her mom. I don't think she'd want to come. I doubt that my daughter or her husband would let them come for an extended time. Frankly, I don't think I could keep up with all of them for any length of time. Their behavior is pretty out of control much of the time.
I think you are good grandparent and parent anyway. I am sorry your daughter cannot take steps to save herself and her kids, but thank you for being so concerned. I think these kids are lucky to have you.
I feel like I'm letting them down, but really think its past my limitations now.
I dont think you are letting anyone down at all. I think you are pretty terrific.
You take care of you and if she can and will change and move out
I know you will help her all you can.
Night now and take good care of you grandma.
I wish there were more parents and grandparents like you
I really will. Thanks for listening. I'll try to do all I can to be there for them--especially the kids. I appreciate your comments and advice.
I appreciate hearing from you. You made my day. Again, I like your solid caring.